May 7, 2014

Feeling Discouraged

I woke up feeling so discouraged today. It was a weird feeling, considering that I am usually upbeat and positive most of the time. I have not felt down and out for a long while, but today, I just had this sinking feeling as if the THING the Lord has promised to me will not come to pass.

I confessed my feelings to the Lord this morning, sort of a "woe is me" kind of prayer, when this Psalm came to my mind. It is weird when that happens, but how I thank the Holy Spirit of God for bringing back His Word to me, just when I need it most.

I read this Psalm today, thanked the Lord for His faithfulness to me, reaffirmed my faith in His promises, and committed my way to trusting Him for His promised gift.

Then I moved on. I said "OK, time to move on and do what you have said you were going to do (e.g. be faithful to Him)." As I sat down to write my post today, I googled Psalm 117 to find a picture to put in my blog. Lo, and behold, this Psalm is often cited as a prayer to help those who are discouraged. God is so very good to me. He is so very, very good to me.

I believe Him, you know, I really do. I have a great relationship with the Lord. He is my Friend, my Mentor, my Ruler and my King. I love Him, and He loves me. The best part of my relationship with the Lord is knowing that He is always with me. Even when I sulk and pout and feel discouraged at His timing. Even when people, yes people, don't do the THING they are supposed to do, and I am left waiting, endlessly waiting. It is hard to be patient, but I know that people are people. They are flawed and failed just like me, and people do not always do the THINGS they know they should do -- when they should do it. They think about things, stew over things, and generally second-guess themselves and the Lord. I know all about that way because I do it too. It is wrong for me to expect others to jump to, to hop to it, when I procrastinate and put off doing whatever the Lord has asked me to do. I know this, and I understand this well. I do it all the time. Sigh!

Today, I am waiting patiently for His Gift to me. I know that it is coming, and I know what it is (the gift). I am thankful that He loves me, in spite of my impatience, and that He tells me to wait, to wait and to trust Him. He is faithful, and His faithfulness endures forever. Selah!

The Lord has promised such good to me. This good comes in a variety of blessings, and they all are uniquely designed to provide for my needs. He doesn't want me to be alone. He doesn't want me to feel discouraged over being alone. He has provided wonderful friends to counsel me, to love me, and to support me -- especially as I go through this doctoral program -- and learn how to be a professor. God has blessed me abundantly, and I rejoice in His provision. He knows my needs, He knows how much I need certain THINGS and that I struggle at times with needs that go unmet. I rest in Him, in His provision, and in the security of His presence -- yet my heart longs for certain desires He has placed within me -- and that longing is difficult for me to take, to live with and to accept. He is to be praised nonetheless for He has given me great favor. His favor rests upon me and I see it has my hand touches this or that. I experience His presence every day in new ways, and I learn to trust Him, to believe His Word, and to know that He is I AM.

Oh, Lord, why do I fail you? Why do I not believe you when you have faithfully delivered on every promise you have made to me? Why am I so flawed to not rest in your abilities to meet every need with sufficiency?

Yes, it is true. For as much as I like to believe I am faithful to Him, the truth of the matter is that I doubt His Word daily. I say I believe, but I don't really believe. I half-way believe, and that is not good enough. I must believe 100% that His Word is true, that He is faithful, and that He is who He says He is. I know this -- in my head -- I know this to be true. More so, my heart has been changed to believe this as well. Therefore, the only reason I do not believe is because I choose NOT to believe. ACK!

So today, while I am feeling discouraged, I will take hope in the Word. I will believe that He is able to handle anything that concerns me today. He will faithfully deliver on His promise, and I will wait with patience, with expectation, and with eager anticipation for His Gift to me. It is done, it is done. So be it, thy will be done. Selah! (Pause and calmly think upon it).

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