May 1, 2014
I have so many balls in the air right now, and I know that my expected workload is part of the problem. I am trying to manage life -- school, work, family, and my dwindling finances -- and together all these individual things are working to create a sense of being out of control.
I am going through some challenging times with certain members of my family. I love my family. I love my son. I love my life. But, there are times when I want to live on my own, on an island somewhere, so that I don't have to deal with my family, my son, or my life (LOL!)
I think it is me, personally. I think it is my hormones (Is it OK to say that on a blog? Too bad, I just said it. Re: see the picture at the top of the page!) It is so difficult to be a hormonal 51 year old woman! AGH! I think sometimes it is harder now than when I was a teenage girl (and that was pretty bad!) I know my symptoms -- I am irritable, and I get annoyed really easily. I get upset when my world is rocked. I don't like anyone or anything to rock my world. I like to keep an even keel and to strive for balance. I hate this feeling of being swashed back and forth -- I feel like I am in a small boat on a very rough sea. YUCK!
The worst part of it is my attitude and my tongue. Yes, I know my weaknesses well, and I have been in prayer over them the past couple days (James 3:6). I wish I could say that I was this super Godly woman who never got upset, never said an unkind word, or never did a selfish thing. Unfortunately, I am flesh, and as flesh, I sin. I sin. I sin. I sin.
I am not this even-keeled person. I try to be. I try very hard to be perfect. I try to maintain my balance, and to always think positively. I try to treat everyone with kindness. I believe so strongly in Micah 6:8, and I feel that it is what the Lord desires from all of His Children:
No, O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
This is a second-life verse for me. The first is Psalm 37:4-5, my verse of promise. This verse from Micah, is my verse of action. I believe I am to do what this verse says and that is (consistently) to choose the right way (the way of righteousness), to show mercy (God's grace), and to be in a dependent state of humility before God. I know that the Spirit of God desires this, but my flesh contends with Him. My flesh likes to put ME first, and as such, my flesh yields to no one.
I live a surrendered life. I live a life fully devoted to God, and a life predicated upon His will for me. Still, there is this issue with my flesh, and my flesh sometimes wins out (temporarily).
My enemy knows my weakness. He knows that when I am under stress, really pressed up against the wall, I cave in and my flesh roars! It screams ME, ME, ME first! I do not turn the other cheek. I do not yield to the Spirit nor do I allow Him to fight the battle for me. Instead, I lash out, and I let my tongue rip.
God is merciful and He is so very good. He knows me well, and He knows that when I get pushed, I will push back. It is a life-lesson for me, a lesson in humility and in walking in mercy. I fail so miserably all the time. I fail, and I sink into the mud of my own misery. AGH!
The good news is that the Lord loves me. He loves me well, and He has forgiven me -- all my sins -- even the present ones I commit in haste, in times of distress, and in stressful moments. I am forgiven.
Lord -- help me not to sin with my mouth. Help me to remember to love your righteousness, be kind to all people (deserving or not), and to walk humbly with you. I ask this now in Jesus' Name, Amen.
Thinking more positive thoughts now...enough whining and complaining!
God is good all the time. He is GOOD. No matter how I feel today, no matter the circumstances I encounter, and no matter what giants I face -- He is GOD, and He is GOOD.
I rest in this fact. I rest in the truth of Scripture. God is GOOD all the time, and His mercy endures forever. Enough said...