May 24, 2014

Waiting and Waiting

I think the most difficult thing for me is to wait for the Lord to move in my life. Normally, He moves all the time. He will tell me that He is moving, and in doing so, He usually tells me to be "prepared" for whatever change is about to happen. I have gotten used to His movement, sensing it, I mean. I feel Him move in me, and then my little world shakes a bit, and things (all sorts of things) change.

Lately, though, I have been waiting for a certain thing to happen. I have been told to be prepared for this change, yet it hasn't happened to me yet. I am not used to waiting for things like this, and I find myself being frustrated, feeling frustrated (I should say). It is not like waiting for something bad to happen, it is more so like waiting for something really, really good to happen. I know it is coming, but I cannot see it nor do I know when it is expected. There are no signs to read, no "heads up" to get me ready, nothing at all to let me know it is coming. So I sit here and I wait. The longer I wait, the more frustrated I become. The more frustrated I become, the more depressed I feel. I feel like I have been waiting for so long that now I lose hope that His word to me will come to pass. It bothers me. I don't like feeling this way. I used to say to the Lord, "Please don't change things on me because I cannot handle anything new!" Now, I say to Him, "Lord, change this, change this now!"

I think it is like boredom for me. I cannot stand to be bored. Right now, I am beyond bored with my life. I went from having so much work to do to having nothing to do. Well, that is not accurate because I actually have a lot of work to do, it is just not steady all-encompassing work. I am bored. I don't have work that is socked to me, covering me with a dense fog, to where I can barely breathe. I like feeling smothered, I really do. I like having so much work that I cannot function. I know -- weird, right?

There is something comforting to me about having a boatload of work, piles and piles of work, with no end in sight. I like to know that I have so much to do that my entire life will spin out of control if I cannot keep it under wraps.

AGH! How can I deal with an entire summer of this "no work to do" mode?

I need a job. I need a project. I need something to take my mind of this intolerable boredom.

The Lord knows me well. He knows that I function best under great pressure. I like to be pressed in on all sides. I complain A LOT about it, but truthfully, I would choose overbearing work to what I have today, which is a whole lot of nothing!

Lord, why do you put up with me? Why do you care for me so deeply when I am fickle like this?

I don't think I would make a good watchtower person. You know, the person who had to stand on the wall and watch for the approaching enemy? I would have gone off my rocker just standing guard, watching the sky for any sign of an intruder. UGH!

No, I like toil. I like hard work. I like to be challenged. I so need work to keep my mind engaged and my thoughts from running amok. This is why I am depressed. This is why I am frustrated. If I was busy, super busy, then I wouldn't have time to think about what I am waiting for, and instead, I would just let that be. I would let myself dive into some all-consuming work, and then whatever was to come to pass, would just come to pass. Then I would be surprised when it finally arrived, thrilled and overjoyed, at its presence. But until that time, I would be focused on pressing work, mind controlling and time consuming work. I so need work. I need work, Lord. Please give me work?

So what does this weird girl do?

Well, I have two choices really. I can choose to be miserable while I wait or I can choose to be active and engaged -- while waiting. I can find activities to keep my brain active, and I can apply myself to doing practical, good things, good work. I can choose this path or that, but the end result will be the same. The thing I am waiting for will come to pass in His time. I will arrive at that moment with one of two faces: a happy, contented and joyful expression or a miserable, depressed and frustrated expression. The choice is mine. The timing is His.

Sigh. It is always His way. No matter what I choose, my attitude will not influence His timing on the matter. It is more about my daily feelings and my countenance. Yes, I know what I must choose. I know that I must choose to be content in this matter. I must choose to find joy in it. I must choose the better way, His way.

So be it. So be it. I am not happy about it, but it is the right thing to do.

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