June 4, 2014

That sinking feeling...

Yep, I am officially overwhelmed today. It is Wednesday, and I leave for VA Beach early Saturday morning. I have so much work to complete between now and then, and I am panicked beyond belief. I know I will get everything done, but I hate this feeling of sinking under the weight of the deadline. Normally, I can handle this kind of pressure. Sure, I complain about it, but I usually have the due date (the day) to finish all my work. This time, my due date is my flight date, so that means I lose precious time being out of the WiFi loop. I have to have everything done by Friday, and I have to be packed and ready to be at the airport by 5:30 am on Saturday morning. UGH!

It is times like these, like today, when I need to remember who is my ROCK (and no, I am not thinking about Dwayne Johnson, LOL!) I recall the words of Psalm 18:2:

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

And 2 Samuel 22:4:

I called on the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies.

and Psalm 78:35:

Then they remembered that God was their rock, that God Most High was their redeemer.

When I panic like this, when I feel that overwhelming sense of drowning under the weight of expectation, it is then that I remember who is my ROCK, my REFUGE and my STRENGTH. I cannot accomplish the tasks I have on my to-do list without His help. He is the One who enables me to see through the fog of disillusionment, of distraction, and of depression, and He is the One who gives me clarity of focus, the ability to see where I am going, and the direction I need to follow. He does it all so that He is the One to receive all praise, all honor, and all glory at the accomplishment of each and every task.

Today, I remembered my ROCK. I look to Him now and I rest in His sufficiency. He tells me that I am well-covered, that I am completely in His care. There is nothing out of sorts, out of control, or out of His hand. He has everything in order, and He knows what needs to be accomplished today.

I give Him my to-do list, and I ask Him to order it aright. To set it in His order so that I accomplish that which is most pressing first. I know He has everything planned out, purposed, and that He is working to bring this all to pass. I trust in Him. I rest in Him, and I let go now of these feelings, these emotions. I let them go, believing in FAITH that He will do that which He has promised. He is good, so very good. All the time, He is good.

Update - June 4, 2014

God is so good to me, so very good to me! I was able to get my ethnography project flushed out, found all my sources, and completed my introduction today. I was also able to complete my  DQ for the week, PTL! I feel so much better knowing that I made good progress today. I still have several items that must be completed (proposal for certain, and research on my other project), but overall, I am relieved and overjoyed at God's grace enabling me to focus and finish the work tonight!

Just a brief update on my divorce proceedings...

I took the next set of papers to the court house yesterday. This set, the application for default decree, simply says that my ex-husband did not file a response within the 20-day window, and therefore, as petitioner, I can ask the court to consider him in default. The short of it is that with default the court simply rules on the petition as it has been filed, which in our case, is just fine. There are no changes, no extra items, etc. It is good to go as it is.

The other good news is that I did find out that the hearing dates are booked pretty far in advance so since we qualify for a motion without hearing, this is the preferred next step. We have no minor children, no property, and no spousal maintenance agreement. The court will approve the petition as it is written, which shortens the process somewhat.

My next step is to file the motion for default without hearing. I can do this on July 14th (61 days after my ex was served). From that point on, it takes 4-6 weeks for the paperwork to be processed. I am thinking this would mean that the divorce would be final in September.

The weird thing in all of this is the way the process has proceeded without any issue or hiccup. In truth, my ex was happy to be let out of our marriage. He has been rather joyful since I told him I was filing the papers. The entire process has been easy, relatively easy. I think the biggest hurdle was getting over the emotional aspect of being divorced. Perhaps it was a good thing to wait as long as I did. My ex has said that he understands my needing the time. I guess that is probably correct. I knew I didn't want to remain married, especially not to a man who didn't want to be married to me. I didn't want to bear the stigma of divorce, and I didn't want to be the one to initiate the process. When it call came down to it -- I was the one who did the paperwork -- I was the one who filed.

The ensuing five years has been good for me. I don't think I would have done anything differently had I been divorced earlier in the process. As I have blogged about this before, about how I wasn't out looking for a new husband (or even boyfriend). In fact, I wasn't looking for anything at all. I was hunkered down, learning how to rely on the Lord for His provision and protection. I was learning how to be single, to be independent, and to be fully in control of my own life. I was learning about me -- learning to like myself and learning how to respect my feelings, my emotions, my desires. I was coming to terms with the fact that I was a single middle-aged woman. Yep, that fact still gets me at times, especially when I think about all the years invested in the marriage. I was young when I married, only 21. I never had been with a man previously, and I believed in marriage for life. I gave all my youth, all my young womanhood, and my dreams of life together with a man -- to the one with whom I thought I would share every day with until the day I died.

I had to recalibrate my thinking, you know, after the separation. I had to envision a life without a husband for the first time in 25 years. I had to imagine what sort of life I could have on my own. It took a while for me to separate myself from my husband, mentally, emotionally. You physically bond with your husband, and your thoughts become entwined with his thoughts. Separation means that you have to go back to thinking like a single person again, and you have to begin to put yourself first in everything. I don't mean in a narcissistic way, but more so, in a practical way. You are your own person, and as such, you have no one to lean on. You have to make your decisions and your choices count for something. You have to be careful, you have to think and to plan and to pray and be really careful about what you do each day.

Now, I am on the backside of that process. I have learned how to be content in this life. I am content. I love my life. I love every day, and I think about all the opportunities I have before me. I can go where ever the Lord leads me. I can do this or that, all with His approval. I am no longer tied to another person. It is a good thing, in many ways.

Yes, there is a lot to be said for Godly marriage, and yes, I hope to someday have the chance to experience a full-on Godly marriage. Until then, however, I am content to just be me. To accept who I am, flaws and all, and to be content in that which the Lord has given to me. He is good. He is so very good to me.
And they remembered that God was their rock, And the Most High God their Redeemer. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God,-The-Rock#sthash.8EezpBrw.dpuf
And they remembered that God was their rock, And the Most High God their Redeemer. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God,-The-Rock#sthash.8EezpBrw.dpuf

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