August 14, 2014
Standing in Awe
Doubt flooded my soul this week. I was filled with dread. My knees trembled, and my heart was enfeebled. I was overwhelmed, I was confused, and I was afraid of all that the Lord was doing in me and through me. I had faith, but it was shaken. I tried to arm myself with the weapons of warfare, but I failed to stand up, to take a stance, to not give way. I thought I was so lost, so utterly and hopelessly lost.
Then when I thought I couldn't take any more, as I slumped down beneath the weight of doubt, of burden, of fear -- I felt His strong hands reach down and lift me up. I heard His soft and soothing voice remind me of His presence. I remember feeling His comfort as He cared for me. I thought "My God, you are too GOOD for me. I do not deserve this measure of care because I have not been strong for you. I have been weak, and I have allowed the enemy to assault me." I heard His voice say to me, "Yes, this is true. You have done all these things, but my LOVE for you is stronger. I have never left your side. I am here. I am always here for you."
As I listened to His voice, I began to recover, I began to feel better. I remember thinking that I was so alone, crippled by the fear, and believing that what I needed to do was too much for me, just too much. Then as I cried out to Him, as I begged Him for mercy, I felt this empowerment come over me. I began to remember His WORD, to think about His PROMISES, and I felt my strength return. Slowly, I stood up. Slowly I picked up my shield and my sword, and I stood against my enemy. I recited Scripture, and I positioned myself to take the enemies next blow. It never came. I stood there for a time thinking "it will surely come," but nothing happened. I stood and I waited. I stood there and I looked out and I saw no one coming toward me. My enemy was gone, and I stood there alone. At this point, I remembered His voice telling me that "greater was He who was in me, than he who is in the world," and I thought "Yes, this is it!" It was not by my power or my might, but by the POWER OF GOD, the power of the Holy Spirit.
Today, I woke up feeling better, feeling stronger. As I started my day, doubts began to creep into my thoughts again. This time, I didn't allow them to take any foothold. I rebuked the doubts, and I confessed my utter dependency upon the Lord. I spoke His Word out loud, and I positioned myself once again to face the enemy. The doubts faded away and my faith returned. I felt this sense of PEACE, His Peace, flood my soul, soothe my mind, and comfort my body.
The ugly truth of my experience is that this battle will rage on. Perhaps I have a short reprieve. Perhaps I am free today. The battle might cease for a time, but it will rage on. That is, until I pass into glory, this battle between me and the enemy, between the powers of darkness and light, and between good and evil, will rage on. My choice is stand up, to take my place along side all my warrior brothers and sisters. We stand together on the side of the RIGHTEOUS ONE. We stand on God's side, and we look to Him as our VICTOR and our CHAMPION.
He has overcome, and the victory is His today, tomorrow and forevermore.
Thank you, Lord for your amazing GRACE. Thank you for your provision of every single need. Thank you for the work you have provided to me. Thank you for the challenges I face this semester in teaching and in scholarly activity. Thank you for standing with me, holding me, and at times, carrying me. To your Name I give all PRAISE, all HONOR, and all GLORY. To you alone do I give my worship. To you alone do I bring my praise. I confess your Name, and I rest in your Presence this good day, this very good day. Selah!