Today is a good day. I am feeling better, well sort of. It is that time of the year when allergies kick into high gear, and my head swells with congestion due to the pollen count. I have been feeling miserable, you know, struggling with that "wiped out" feeling, which is one of the key indicators that allergies rather than a virus are to blame. Last night, I decided to do something other than suffer, so I took a Zyrtec along with Flo-nase to combat the symptoms. I did sleep well, once my head drained, but I woke up with that horrible "hung over" feeling. I am still working to pull myself together so I can start to plan out my day. While I suffer a bit more with head-stuffiness, my thoughts are running to this verse,
Perhaps it is because it is a bright and beautiful day in Phoenix. Perhaps it is because I feel that the Lord is getting ready to powerfully move in my life. I am not sure, but I sense that He is about to do something BIG, and praise be to God, I feel that change is right around the corner! Let me explain...
It is no secret that I am hoping to be offered a full-time position at a major university in the SE USA. Yes, I have blogged about it a bit, but not wanting to jeopardize my chances by blaring it all over my blog (should the school look more closely at my social media use), I mentioned it only in passing. My prayer of course is that it is the Lord's will for my life. My hope is that this is the next big CHANGE he has in mind for me. I feel certain that something is in the works, and I know that the Lord has a very specific plan for my life.
The other day, I was praying about the Lord's will for my life, and I felt the Lord saying to me that I needed to let go of something, to let loose and let Him take control over this particular thing. I have thought about that "thing" for a while now, wondering exactly what He meant because I didn't think I was holding onto anything at all (the Lord does know best! Selah!) Still, I listened because the Lord does know best (LOL!), and He knows that I hold onto a lot of things without really being aware of it. So today I was thinking about this "thing" and how I have felt that changes were coming along steadily, then they halted for a time, and now those changes seem to be moving forward again.
I know that I want to control all the details, all the minutia of detail that the Lord is better able to handle. Yes, I want to hold on to the little things. I trust Him with my life, my life's plan and work, but I tend to hold on to all the tiny, insignificant things, in order to feel as though I am in control. I believe that it is this need to be in control of the details that has caused the plans the Lord has for me to stall, to stop for a time. Yes, I let go of the details earlier in the week, and now I feel that things are progressing once again.
What I Know Today
Last night, I had a good conversation with my friend who lives in the state where I am praying to move. We talked about a lot of important things, but nothing significant to my possible move there. As we were saying our good-byes, he mentioned something that has stuck with me, that has caused me to think a bit, and to wonder if I need to be aware of possible options or outcomes. In specific, it was that we really don't talk about everyday things, but rather we discuss deep, meaty and important things. I think we both enjoy the deep conversation, topics that are significant and important to God's Kingdom. But as I thought about his words, I realized that he is correct -- we don't talk about the dailiness of life. We tend to focus on the major issues facing the church and our world.
This thought bugged me for a while because in truth, I don't really deal in the dailiness of life. I am always focused on the big picture, the important and essential things that matter to God. Sure, I live in the now just like the next person, but I tend to think about the little things more than discuss them. Why is that? I think it is because I have spent so many years living inside my head, inside my mind, where I think about these things. I also think it is because my former husband didn't like to discuss the daily business of life. He had everything under control, in his view, and the only time we discussed anything was if he required my time (like as in "I need you to do a job for me"). I got very used to taking care of my side of the "business," while he took care of his side of things.
As I am in the midst of a new relationship, I realize that not every man is going to behave like my ex did/does. No, there are men who are greatly concerned about the dailiness of life, and they really do want to know what is going on inside their girlfriend or wife's head (gasp!) I am blessed that the Lord has provided someone to me who does care about those things, who wants to share the somewhat meaningless details of life with me.
So this morning, as I was praying, I asked the Lord to help me share more of the details of my life with this man. He loves me, and he wants to be a part of my life. I realized that my tendency to close off parts of my life could be seen as a hindrance to developing a deeper relationship. I enjoy controlling the details, I enjoy planning, organizing, and being responsible for all those little things. I need to realize, to understand that if I am to share my life with another person, I have to share all those things, even the ones that seem inconsequential and meaningless to me. In short, if you are going to share your life, then you must share all of your life.
Perhaps this was the issue the Lord was bringing to my attention last week. Perhaps He wanted me to be aware that as my relationships deepens, I will have to share more and more of my inner self with this person. I will have to be willing to be honest, to be open, and to be transparent with him. Perhaps my need to control exposure was the root of the conflict with the Lord? Perhaps this is so...
Today begins a new day for me. It is a blessing that each day is a gift from the Lord, and we have the choice to live it or reject it. That decision depends on our point of view, our perspective, and on how we live, in general. Glass half full, glass half full, right?
I felt the Lord pressing upon me today to let go of my need to understand every detail of my life. Yes, I love to know, to be kept in the know, and to seek out knowing what will be, what will come, etc. The Lord is clearly directing my steps, and He is making a way for me. I need to stop asking "why, what, how, when, where" and so on, and simply let the Lord do what He does best. It is time to place my faith fully and securely in the One who knows me best. Selah!