April 26, 2015

Moving Forward...Again!

It's been a really good day of rest. Friday was my "official" last day at GCU for Spring 2015. It has been a good semester, a really long and hard and challenging semester, but nonetheless, a good one. God has been so good to me. He has sustained me through some really tough times, but mostly this past semester, He has helped me stay focused when the details of life seemed to be too much for me to handle.

I am still struggling some with understanding His plans and with knowing His timing, but I do believe that His plans for my life are good. I believe that His timing is perfect. I rest in His provision and His security, yet I still wonder how all of this, this life right now, will work out. It is difficult for me to let go, to let live, and to be in the moment, but I know that this is what He is asking me to do. He wants me to be free to move, to get moving, and that means letting go of the things I hold most dear. It is a struggle, a trial, and a challenge, but in the end, I know that what He wants for my life is so significant, that to hold on to anything in the "here and now" simply says that I would rather have what I have today rather than to wait for the experience of blessing in my promised future. Sigh!

I started to think about this the other night -- about my life -- and about how I tend to hold on to things that clearly God is telling me to release. God knows me so well, and He knows my needs inside and out. He has me well-covered, and He knows exactly what I can and cannot do. Still, I resist when He tries to help me. I wrestle against Him when He asks me to move or when He wants to show me the way to go. Why do I do this? Why don't I just let go?

Three reasons I can think of include:
  1. Lack of faith in the Lord's abilities to do whatever it is that He is asking me to do
  2. Misunderstanding of the Lord's timing so that I think "now" is imminent when "now" could be in time (3, 6, 9 or more months)
  3. An unwillingness to rest, to rely on the Lord or to abide in Him so that He is the one leading, and not me
There are more reasons, of course, but these seem to be the ones that make the most sense to me today.

I think my biggest issue is that I do not trust the Lord to "handle what concerns me this day." Yes, I think He is able, for sure, but I don't believe that He will keep His word to me. In short, I doubt the veracity of His word. I don't believe what He is saying to me is true, and I think that my life as it is will not get any better without my intervention (example, getting a full-time job or taking the reins and running the show my way). The funny thing is that I know better, I really do. I have lived under my own hand, taking control and directing my own life, and frankly, I didn't do such a "hot" job of it. No, I want the Lord to guide my steps, to control my days, and to lead me to His promised destination. I want what the Lord is offering to me, and I am willing to follow Him to get there. It is just the events of this life, the course of my days, and the struggles and trials seem to keep me from remembering that fact. Sigh!

The second biggest issue I face is that I don't understand the Lord's timing, in general. I don't get what He means when He says to me to "go." Does He mean right now, like in 5 minutes? Or is He telling me to be prepared to go? What do you want me to do, Lord? Timing is a big deal because I don't want to run ahead of Him, but then I don't want to miss an opportunity either. Help me, Lord? Help me to know your timing on all things...

How do I navigate between the various "times," and come to understand what the Lord wants me to do and when?

I am struggling with this concept right now. I want to move where the Lord seems to be leading me to go, and I feel the Lord is calling me to move. I feel the Lord calling me toward a different location (moving out of state), and I feel the Lord calling me toward a new life, a new way of living. I feel that this is His will, however, I currently share a home with my parents, and I work part-time (adjunct) at two Universities. So while my life is good, it is settled somewhat, it is not perfect by any margin or do I feel that this is the life the Lord intends for me to live for the long haul. 

It is weird to be in this in between place AGAIN. I think some days it is easier to remain where I am, to think about just staying put. It certainly will be less work, I mean, I hate moving, I hate change, and I hate starting over. Just today, I spent about two hours watching HGTV programs about flipping houses. I used to watch these programs all the time especially when I had my own home. I would watch as the couples (mostly) would take a run-down home and fix it up. In the old days, way back in the 90s, most of these flips were really fixer uppers. The people who were doing the flips didn't put a ton of money into the homes to turn them around. They mostly cleaned them up, reused items, etc. Now they seem to be all about making them new, everything is renovated and redone to make an old home look brand new inside. This means that the fixing up runs in the tens of thousands of dollars. I do like most of the look when they are finished, but frankly, if I wanted a new house, I would buy a new house. I am not into "reno's" which is really what these programs show.

Still as I thought about fixing up a home, my heart started to think about moving because while I am content to be here now, I know that this is not my home. I would like to have my own  home again, with my own things, and designed to meet my style rather than someone else's. I really miss having a back yard to garden, and I miss painting, and fixing things up. I don't have time right now, mind you, so it is just nice to think about doing it -- making something over. Some day, though, I pray the Lord will grant me permission to have my own house and make it over to the way I would like it to be.

Until that time, I will stay put and do the work I have to do here in Phoenix. I have good work, and I am content to do it. I hope the Lord will make His plans clear to me, but until He does, I will rest in His timing -- whatever that timing may be -- in the near future or in the next 9-12 months. Either way, as long as the Lord leads me, I am good to go. God is good, so very good all the time! Praise be to God, for He is good, so very good to me!

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