July 27, 2015

Seeing Clearly

It is Sunday afternoon, and I have to admit that I am a bit worn out (or perhaps worn in). It was a good weekend for me, not that I accomplished everything that I needed to accomplish, but generally it ended well (or it has ended well). I am finally getting round to writing on my blog, and frankly, I am finding the whole process to be a struggle. It is odd, really, because for the past couple weeks, I simply have struggled to blog about anything, in general. I start a post each day, but often, but the time I am close to finishing it, I set it aside. Later, I delete it -- I just don't want to post it. It is a weird feeling for me because I use my blog for many things, of which, reflection is most important. I need to reflect about events, circumstances, experiences through writing, and this blog (my journal) serves that purpose. I typically can sit down and write a blog post in about 45 minutes. Lately, I am finding that it is taking me 1-2 hours, sometimes even 3, before I get anything suitable to post. This seems odd, really odd, and I am not sure why this is happening. I guess it could be "overload" or "stress" or both. I am not sure, I am not sure at all.

This weekend, my middle brother came for a visit. He came to see our Mom and Dad, mostly our Mom, because she is having surgery tomorrow to remove a lump from her breast. I know he wanted to see for himself, to check her condition, and find out on his own whether or not what we were saying was really true (about her condition). The visit was nice, a bit different, but overall nice. It was good to talk with him, and it was so nice that he came to visit (from NV).

The funny thing, in reflection, is how his visit influenced my parents. You know, how they reacted to his presence, his conversation, and his overview of their status (health for example). It was just so interesting to see his impact, short as it was, on our whole life. I guess from a social scientist standpoint, I found the whole weekend fascinating to study. In truth, I was influenced by his visit too, so I would have to cite my own personal agenda in my limitations (LOL!) Still, the weekend, for what it was worth, seemed odd, uncharacteristically out of place, and generally, a befuddlement. Definitely worth some study, for sure, for certain.

I am trying to reflect right now on all the things that are zooming through my head. I am being bombarded by all these feelings, some of them are good, some not so good, and I am trying to piece together the fragments that are true, accurate, and good indicators of the reality of my life. I wish I could say that I have it all together today, but I don't. I am trying to be "in the moment," but there is a part of me that feels like I am just not sure what to expect next. It is like I am living in this whirlwind of great UNKNOWN, and while I am not afraid or anything, I just feel sort of out of balance, off-kilter, and a bit like Alice peering through the looking glass, know what I mean? Do I follow the white rabbit down the hole?

An Interesting Turn of Events

I started this blog post yesterday morning, shortly after I arrived home from church. My day had been knocked off it's "ordinary" schedule, so I wasn't feeling particularly good or in my usual writing mood. I wrote about half the post before I saved it and closed blogger. It happens, you know, writer's block. I have been really fortunate to not have had it happen too often in my writer's life, but I know for a fact that it can be incredibly challenging for many writers who struggle to break free.

Yesterday evening, I spent about four hours working on my poster presentation (due tonight), and frankly, I felt that everything I did was either subpar or didn't make a whole lot of sense. I was frustrated for certain, but now I am thinking it had more to do with being preoccupied with my Mom's pending surgery (today). Now, that I am home, surgery completed and prognosis good, I sat down to finish that project, and thankfully, I did it in about an hour or so. It is done, hooray, praise the Lord, and it has been posted to my assignment forum for grading. I am down to the last assignment now, and then this class (COM 730) will be put to bed. Selah!

In all, today has been a really blessed day. Not only did my Mom come through her cancer surgery well (she just buzzed past me on the walker -- heading to the bathroom), but she is in little to no pain right now. Of course, the Vicodin is helping (she only took half a tablet about 2 hours ago), and for that we are all grateful. Truthfully, the worst thing ever is to see a loved one in pain. It is just horrible when you cannot do anything to help them or make them feel better.

During my wait at the hospital Surgery Center, I had a really nice chat with my Dad. I am glad we had this time together, even if we were both a bit stressed. It was good to hear him say some things about my son, me, my brothers, etc. that confirmed to me that he does understand our struggles and our efforts to overcome them. It is good to be validated, to be confirmed, and to be supported in this way. Even if he doesn't agree with our choices, he seemed supportive of them, and that means so much to me (and to my other family members, I am sure).

This turn of events, sort of a turning of the tide, signaled to me something important. I believe my Dad has come to see the tenuousness of life, what with my Mom's cancer and all. I think he sees that life is perilous, and there is nothing he can do to make things better. He cannot cure my Mom's cancer. He cannot solve my brother's marriage problems. He cannot help my son to not make mistakes. He can be supportive, though, and he can offer wise advice, gentle counsel, and a guiding hand -- all of which he does do regularly. Usually, though, we get the bite that goes along with the advice, and that makes the whole matter more like a "bitter pill to swallow." Today, however, it seemed he was resigned, and not in the defeated way, but rather in a submitted and yielded way. He seemed at peace with what was going on, and generally agreeable to the way things were coming to pass. No one wants a diagnosis of cancer, for sure, but when it does come, how you take it, really accept it can determine your course of action. In my case, I know that my Mom is in God's hands. I still worry, of course, but I believe that He has her well-covered. I don't want to lose my Mom, but I also don't want to see her suffer needlessly. God knows her time, her coming and going, and while I may want to control these events, I simply cannot do it. I am not God, and thankfully, because He is, I can rest, I can relinquish control, and I can relax and deal with life as it comes toward me.

God is good in that way, so very good. He meets us right where we are at, and He remains with us. He sticks to us, and He never lets us go. I may not like what I see, but I know that He is my friend. He is my King, my Lord, and my Savior. He is good, so very good to me.

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