I am not sure why I went from sky-high to crash-and-burn, but I did. I am not sure why it happened overnight (it seems), but it did. And, I am not sure why this is happening to me -- now -- I mean right when I least need all the pain and pressure. The only thing I can think is this -- 1 Corinthians 10:13 -- and that is that I am being tried right now, tested, and my faith is being stretched, pulled, and practiced. Will I stand or will I fall? Will I find a way out? Or will the Lord choose to give me His grace to endure? I just don't know, I don't know.
It is hard to encounter difficulties, especially like this, when they seem to come at you from out of the blue. My life has been so easy of late, so smooth-sailing and all. I mean, sure there have been ups and downs, but mostly I would say that my emotions have been the motivator for that movement. I mean, I have struggled at times to "feel" good about myself, my work, my path, my future -- and all this "feeling" -- has been trying, really trying for me to control. I don't like being at the mercy of my emotions, and in fact, I prefer not to be highly emotional about issues, concerns, or worries. I tend to analyze everything, over analyze often, and this approach does temper my emotions well. But sometimes my emotions get the better of me, and then I fall victim to the swash of feelings -- those doubts, inferior thoughts, and the determination that no matter what I do -- nothing seems to work out the way I think it should.
Today has been one of "those days." I mean, I woke up at 5:30, struggled to pull myself from bed, but only because I didn't go to bed earlier in the evening. No, I "fussed" with my power points, made changes to them, and then ended up hitting the sack after midnight. I woke up feeling "groggy" and in a rather displeasing mood. My fault, 100%, my fault. I made it through my day, praise the Lord, and I came home in one piece. Of course, I ended up napping as soon as I got home. I didn't intend to nap. I intended to do my school work, and to work on Regent posts and such. I didn't make it too far before I fell asleep on the bed. I guess I needed it, and in the end, I did gain a bit of a second wind.
It is now 8:34 p.m. and I am feeling punchy. I have work to do, and I have school to teach tomorrow. I want to stay home, really I do. I want to sleep in and take a day off. Yet, I must go, and frankly, I know I will do fine once I get there. It is just that I am feeling that sense of dread -- like things are not going well -- and that bothers me. I know this is not the case, and that I get this "feeling" after 1-3 weeks of school. It is the realization that school is in session, and I am teaching the same content again, again, and again. God knows that I need to do this kind of repetitive work -- not just for ease -- but to relax me and let me finish Regent strong. I cannot be doing new content every semester and tackling these last difficult courses in my program.
Tonight as I sit here and write this short post, I remember the words of Paul where he exhorts us to be thankful in all circumstances and situations. In 1 Thess. 5:18 NLT it says,
Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
I am choosing to be thankful today even though I don't feel 'good' right now. I know that I have plenty to be thankful for, and that if I focus on that, then these emotional mood swings will subside. They will fade into the darkness because the reality of God's goodness will prevail. Yes, He is good to me, all the time, and all the time, He is good. Selah!