November 17, 2015
Feeling Good Today
Yep, I know what you are saying, that he should do this himself. You are right, you know. It is one of my failures as a parent -- I didn't train him to be neat. In truth, I did try. I tried very, very hard. My son's earlier issues with attachment and with his need to control his environment made it difficult to get him to be neat. He would melt down at the thought of me touching anything in his room. I can't really explain it, but it was something I had to learn how to navigate around. For most of his early years into his teen years, we would clean up his room together. I had to show him what to do, then I had to sit there and let him work. It was trying for me because I would have sooner done it myself, but he needed to help, and that took days most of the time. Still, we managed to keep his room in semi-clean shape. When he turned 18, I pretty much stopped helping him, thinking he could handle it himself. I have been 50/50 on that one -- sometimes he can do it, and other times, he still becomes overwhelmed at the thought of it. I pray his future wife is with OK with the mess or is neat and tidy. Until then, I will do my best to remain neutral (except for emergencies like today).
My time spent organizing was well-worth it. I gave up some other things that needed attention, but I am not that far off my timeline for the day. God is good, so very good to me.
I am at the point in my life where I am seeing this decline every day. I struggle to come to terms with it, even though I am realistic about her prognosis. There is nothing that can be done. She takes the recommended medicine that is supposed to slow the progression, but I don't really see any difference. She is getting worse. My Dad sees it and I see it, and we both know what is coming down the road.
I was thinking to myself today: "If only my parents had the resources to deal with this illness..." Of course, my thoughts were that then they would be less stressed, more able to enjoy their days now because the difficult end would be "not so difficult" (if you know what I mean). But because of their tight financial situation, the truth is that they cannot do anything about it. They simply do not possess the means to handle this type of illness. The cost of care for Alzheimer's patients is out of reach for most Americans. The best we can hope for is that she will be able to remain at home for a long while, and that in God's grace and mercy, He will choose to take her home before the worst part of this disease sets in. I honestly do not know what to do or think when it comes to her care. I know that this is not my priority, yet. It is a shared responsibility that falls mostly to my Dad first, and then to my brothers and me. How will we handle it? What will we do? Only the Lord knows, only He knows what tomorrow will bring.
Thinking About Where I Am Today
So, I am thinking about where I am today, and where I would like to be tomorrow. I am planning on teaching the rest of my life so I need to find a full-time job somewhere. Since I started on this path in 2010, I have targeted several areas of the country for possible relocation. I have also had a tentative move date of 2017. This coincided with my graduation from Regent University. The earliest I could possible move would be next summer, sometime right before fall classes begin. I was thinking about this today, about what if I don't find a job next fall, and I have to stay at GCU and ACU. I was trying to see what I would have to do to maintain my life here in Phoenix. In truth, I could stay put for one more year. I could remain here so that my son had the opportunity to graduate and then I could move elsewhere. I thought about what that would mean, how moving in 2017 would give me four years of teaching experience, and I would have my Ph.D. in hand. Yet, this picture is problematic for me. I know I can teach three classes at GCU as I typically do. I could add in three more at ACU, but that is a lot of extra work, and frankly, I do not enjoy teaching at ACU that much. I like it, don't get me wrong, it is just the different environment and student body, etc. I enjoy GCU more, and I wish I could teach 4-5 classes there without being forced under the "adjunct cap." There are no full-time teaching positions at GCU. Furthermore, the only other available positions right now are at ASU and U of A in Tucson. Neither are my preference, and I don't believe that teaching at these large public schools is the Lord's will for my life.
I logged into United Healthcare's website again today -- just to see -- if those two remaining jobs have closed. Both are open, both say they are "still accepting applications," and there has been no move one way or another in regard to my candidacy. I am thinking that they are looking for someone who lives close to MN and even though the job description says "US Telecommuting," I really think they want someone near by. I am OK with that, it makes sense to me. I just wish they would email me that reject letter so I can move on with my life. Oh well...
I still have two job applications in process at Auburn University, one in Auburn and one in Montgomery, but that doesn't mean anything. I have never received any confirmation from them or even an email saying they are reviewing my application. I get the system email that says thanks for your submission, but nothing from HR that tells me they are even considering me. I know this is because of the volume of applicants they receive, and also because of my limited credentials. Both positions said you needed a terminal degree, which in my business is the Ph.D. I don't have mine yet, and my experience is limited, so I am not the best candidate for the job.
What does this mean for me today?
I am not sure, really. I think I am to stay put for a time, but there is part of me that knows that fall is when most schools actively search to fill their open positions. Still, whenever I look at these positions, I either do not see anything suitable or I just feel that what is listed isn't anything I want to do. Sigh!
My life is still in transition, it is in flux, and until the Lord chooses to settle me, I am stuck where I am. It is okay, really, as I see the hard road ahead of me, and I know that I must walk this way. I cannot avoid it, so I have to pass by all that lays there for me to see, to do, and to process. Until He does whatever He intends on doing, I must remain fixed on my way, seeking to complete what is on my plate each day, and trusting the future to the One who holds all things in His merciful and providential hand.
Today, then, is a day when I can plan, purpose, and project my thoughts and ideas out, but a day when I must firmly remain in control of the things right in front of me. I must focus on the tasks He has assigned to me, and to the ministry opportunities He has provided for me to do. I must remain as I am, stalwart, steady, and still -- looking up and looking forward -- to all that He has in mind for my life.