November 12, 2015
What a Strange Day!
Today has been a really strange day, and by that, I just mean a day filled with mixed messages. I am feeling so stuck between that proverbial rock and hard place, and of course, I want out, released, and set free so I can get moving. Let me explain...
It Begins at Daybreak
I woke up feeling rather well. I enjoyed my day off yesterday, and even though I didn't get much completed, I did rest, and for that I was really happy. My night was so-so. I rested for the most part, and I woke up on my own at 7:23, just a few minutes before my alarm went off. I was feeling my normal "morning blah" as I walked out to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. My folks were in the family room, and as I walked out there, I heard my Dad snipe at my Mom. I probably shouldn't say that, but it is the best description I can come up with right now. He has been snarky, well let's just say, less than agreeable. I know he is frustrated with my Mom's condition, but frankly, I find his bickering with her to be tiresome and unnecessary. So...I made a snarky remark in response, and well, you know how that goes. I was tired, I guess, feeling like this type of behavior is not honoring to the Lord, so I said, "Wait a minute! I don't want to hear this contention first thing in the morning. So stop it!" I am not sure if my remark went over well or not because I got my cup of coffee and headed back to my room for some solace (with my two cats in tow).
I am trying so hard to remain calm, you know, to keep an even keel, and yet this is what I deal with every day. It is not always this way, and the comments are not mean, so to speak, but rather they are laced with sentiment that is disrespectful and not honoring of the Lord or of others. This is what bothers me the most because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot to be here, to help care for my Mom, but I don't deserve to live in a home filled with contention. My situation is not terrible (yet), but there is tension and that tension fuels this type of behavior. This type of behavior is what I don't like, and this is why there is a part of me that so longs to leave, to move away, and to be set free. Yet, here I am. Here is remain, and I know that I must remain for this time anyhow.
The Tide Turns
As I was getting ready to head over to ACU this morning, I received an email from UHC on one of the jobs I had applied for last week. The email was a courtesy rejection notice, and while I wasn't necessarily upset about being rejected, I did take issue with the content of the message itself. I was rejected for failing to meet the minimum requirements of the job. Yes, the recruiter rejected me saying that I didn't meet the requirements, and while I understand these are generic emails, the fact remains that I did have the required qualifications. In fact, I was overqualified for the position. I was overqualified, but the position wasn't so entry-level that I seemed too out of touch with the job. No, I specifically applied for a position that was right at my level of experience. I think what hurt me most was the fact that this email simply stated that somehow my experience and my education were not considered "enough," and in that way, their response to me was that I wasn't good enough to work for them.
I know that seems like I am making a mountain out of a mole-hill, but I feel so inadequate right now. I feel like all I can do is teach adjunct, and adjunct isn't good enough (pay-wise) to support me. I feel like I made the biggest mistake leaving the corporate path three years ago. I feel like I have shot myself in the foot, so to speak. It is like I am on this track that says "so you have a worthless Ph.D." and you have no real experience to do anything good, useful, practical!
A colleague of mine posted a video to FaceBook that talked about how many Ph.D's are out of work, how adjunct pay is so low, and how the majority of universities hire adjuncts now only. This is a serious national problem, and I am smack-dab in the middle of it. I am employed in a dying profession, and no one wants me! ACK!
My morning at ACU went well. As I was driving home, I was praying to the Lord and asking Him to help me understand why I feel the way I do. I mean, I believed the Lord was okay with my application for this position, and furthermore, I felt that I had His permission to seek this type of work. Yet, I have received two rejections from UHC, and one from CVS, all within two weeks of applying. These companies are hiring thousands of employees (so says the number on their website), yet they routinely reject qualified candidates out of hand. Why? If they cannot find good people, why reject candidates who clearly have excellent skills, credentials, and education? I don't get it. I just don't get it.
After stopping at Target for some big box supplies, I came home and sat down at my desk. I wrote out the following on a 3x5 index card:
Mine looks a little different, but you get the point. I wrote a note of affirmation to myself because I needed the reminder of what I have become. You see, I set out three years ago to become a teacher, and whether I like it or not, this is what I have become. I no longer am considered anything else (work wise), and that means that I am stuck on this path. I am a teacher, and it is what I do now.
I have tried to move into other venues, to become something different, to downplay what it is I do every day, but in the end, I am stuck with the truth that I am a teacher. I teach students, and I am in a profession that builds students up, empowers them for success, and creates within them the desire to overcome, to achieve, and to be whatever they want to be. I am part of that process, and I get paid nothing to do one of the hardest jobs in the world. Yes, I do one of the hardest jobs in the world, and I struggle, I stress, and I strive every single day to perform, to do good work, to achieve results. I fail often, daily really, but I show up and every day, I try my best, I try my very best.
So today as I sit here and blog, I feel like my life is spinning round and round, and nothing is working in my favor. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but today, I feel overwhelmed and confused. I am not sure what to do, where to go, or how to go about changing this path. I guess I have to sit tight and wait some more. I guess my options are limited. I have to remain where I am until the Lord chooses to move me. Until then, I will stop looking for work, stop applying, and simply let all this go. I will focus on my to-do list today, and I will put all this worry, this fear, and this doubt into His capable hands. If the Lord is able to turn water into wine, then surely He can provide a full-time position to me -- doing whatever He deems necessary -- in His time. I know this is true. My hands are empty, but the Lord's are not. He is good, He is faithful, and I rest in His complete security. I rest and I trust Him to provide for me today, tomorrow and all my future days. He is good, so very good to me. Selah!
As I process this today, I wonder if this is my confirmation. Am I supposed to stay where I am, to continue to teach, to not leave this path? I don't understand, but the pressure here at home is mounting, and I am feeling so hard put. I know you have called me to perserverve, to endure, so I must continue to press on. I will press on, Lord, and I will trust in you alone. You are more joy, my confidence, and my life. I rest in you completely, and I let you carry me through these difficult and harsh waters knowing that you will keep me safe. It is in your matchless, majestic, and merciful Name that I pray now, Amen. So be it, thy will be done. Selah!