December 3, 2015

Suffering Today

It is Thursday, and I am home from school. Hooray! In truth, I am so happy that it is Thursday because this is my short day (well, Tuesday and Thursday). I am not feeling well, sort of dealing with some sort of stomach bug, so I am really glad that I can spend the day at home. I have quite a bit to do today, and right now, I am thinking that I will probably be able to complete most of it, but not all. I am okay with that as I know that I can only do what I can do, you know? I cannot push myself to the limit and expect to function on full-throttle. You've gotta have some rest, and while I want to finish my semester, I also want to be well, to feel well, and to be in good shape for the coming months.

I am on the countdown clock to the end of the semester, to the end of my time at Regent, and to my pending qualification exams. I am at that point where I see the "writing on the wall," and in some ways, I am panicked and overwhelmed, and in other ways, I am excited and eager to see this next step come to pass. God has me well covered, and even when I am not 100%, He is there for me, good to me, and comforting me. He has my needs well-in-hand, and I can rest in His sufficiency. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (in His strength alone), and I know where my abilities begin and end. He is able to overcome, and He is leading me through this process, one step at a time. He is good to me, so very good to me.

This is going to be a short blog post today simply because I am struggling with physical, spiritual, and emotional unwellness. Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed, oppressed, and out of sorts today. I know the Lord knows me well. He knows what I can and cannot do, and He has me so well covered. Still, I struggle at times with feeling unwell, and I wish I could recover, feel better, and be in good shape so that I had enough energy to do what is being asked of me. I think "I can't do this, Lord" and then He whispers to me, "I know you can't, but I can." Sigh! What would I do without His help, His hand, and His higher power and position? I mean, where would I be if He hadn't looked down on me with pity, rescued me from the pit I was in, and placed me in this position as His child? I don't know if I would even be alive right now. I don't know how "in tact" I would be mentally or physically. He has done this -- all of this -- for His Name, His praise, and His honor. I am lowly, meek, and without much ability, yet in me, in this broken vessel He shines through and this amazing work is accomplished. I am overwhelmed by His presence, and I humble myself before Him because He is God, and He is good, so very good to me. Selah!

I am ready to throw in the towel today. I mean, I so want to crawl back into bed and rest. I am tired, worn out, and yet there is so much more work to day. I cannot go on, but I know that He can do it. He can use me in whatever shape I am in and He can do this work. He is good, He is so very good.

Today marks a change for me. I am almost finished with my last semester at Regent, and I am struggling to process all the change. I am struggling now to finish my work, to be strong, and to do what He asks me to do. I find that my faith is wavering, my belief is tipping this way and that way, and I am trying so very hard to hold on. He is here with me, and I am standing boldly as my enemy routs me, hits me, and attempts so heavily to push me down into the dirt, the mire and the muck. I stand in His Name, in the power and authority of His Name, and I lift my shield of Faith and the powerful and mighty sword of the Spirit of Truth, the Word. I stand while the enemy taunts me, accuses me before God, and attempts in vain to pull me from my course, this course that has been laid for me to follow. I hate the way I feel right now, but I also know that this too shall pass. It will pass, and the Lord will be victorious in all things. I lay down my life, all of it, at His feet today, and I say "Not my will, Lord -- but your will be done." I may not want to be beaten this way, but I know that this is part-and-parcel with the fact that I am called to walk this way, to live this life, and to accomplish His expressed and precise will for my life. He knows me so well, and He has me by the hand. I am with Him now, and I am standing as the enemy seeks to devour and destroy me. I will triumph -- not in my own strength -- but in His. I will overcome because He has overcome. Praise be to God, He has overcome!

Dear Lord,

Thank you for not letting go of me during this difficult time. Thank you for standing beside me and for showing me how to be faithful, diligent, and steady. Thank you for giving to me good work to do, great tasks to accomplish, and grand obstacles to overcome. You have planned this way for me, and you have all of this well-in-hand. I can rest now because I know you have this, you've got me well-covered. Thank you, Lord for your grace, your mercy, and your goodness in my life this good day. Amen, so be it. Thy will be done. Selah!

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