February 21, 2016
Feeling Unwell Today
I woke up feeling unwell today. I cannot put my finger on it other than to say that I simply feel unwell. It is a mixture of feelings, really, some panic, some dread, some guilt, so I know that what I am feeling is a combination of worry and doubt about my future, and the plans the Lord has for my life.
I blogged yesterday how the plans or plan the Lord had for my life was singularly good. I confessed my utter faith, hope, and dependency upon Him, and in doing so, said that I would trust Him to bring His plan to fruition. Now, today, I am feeling unwell and that says to me that 1) either I am being condemned by my enemy or 2) I have done something (in word or deed) to alter my mood, my mindset, and my overall, forward motion toward that end. You see, I felt very confident that yesterday, the Lord had plans to move me. Yes, I believed, and I still do, that I am moving to a new place soon. However, as I have tried to figure out where that will be and the timing of it, I struggle often with this roller coaster ride of emotions. How can I know for sure that I am to go here or there? How am I to know anything at all? Sigh!
Today, I am feeling panicked. Panicked as if my entire world is falling apart. I haven't felt this deep sense of dread in a long while, and I can only think this is the result of something I have done. Yes, I wonder if I have made an error in judgment and in doing so, the way I feel (lack of peace, lack of wellness) is simply an indicator of that miscue. It is not the first time I have felt this way for sure, but it has been a long while (months) since I have been in this exact same spot. Frankly, I don't like it, and because my memory is not what it used to be, I cannot remember how I got myself out of it. I am sure it had to do with my humility, dependency, and willingness to turn around -- it always seems to be the case -- and in doing so, typically the oppression lifts. My prayer today, on this good Sunday, is for this oppression to lift. Please Lord, help me to know why I am being oppressed, and what I must do to see that it lifts from me.
This Way to Exit
These feelings of unwellness have been building lately. I started to feel this way a couple weeks ago, and then last night while I was speaking with my good friend, I started to feel them surface again. As I said, I cannot really put my finger on it, but what I feel and what I see seem to be coalescing into a major fire storm. How do I see through this now? What must I do next?
It is a curious thing to think about when you are in the midst of an oppressive attack. First of all, you want to escape, to exit as quickly as possible. Second, you do want to learn how you got yourself messed up -- just so you can avoid making the same mistake twice. Third, you simply want to know why because why helps you to understand your heart motivations and intentions and gives you the knowledge you need to learn about yourself, your world, and how you interact in your world. I need to know what I have done and why so that I can exit, can avoid a second (or third) go round, and can understand the motivation that has put me in this place.
Analyzing my steps is a good first start. My students are writing causal essays, and as such, they are looking for root causes of the problems they are going to write on. I need to do the same thing. I need to create a fishbone diagram of sorts just to help me narrow down the causes and contributing factors of each cause. This would help me sort through the various details and determine if my actions caused this problem or if my enemy simply chose to attack me when I was most vulnerable.
As I think about the past couple days this is certain: whenever I feel the Lord is going move (as in His move in my life), I always experience upset internally. This is the result of changes He has made in my life, and because I am following Him, I get this ripple effect happening. It is like when you are walking through water and the wake caused by your movement sends waves outward with each step. Yes, this is what I think I am experiencing today. God has moved through the waters that are my life, and the ripple of the waves has caught me off-guard.
I know that I must follow Him, and I know that I must wait patiently for Him to do what He does best -- that is plan, organized, and orchestrate -- the details that effect and influence my life. I must be patient. I must wait. God is good. He is so very good to me. I just need to remember that He is God, and I am not. He is good, and the only goodness within me is the good that He brings to my life. I am unable to stand, to defend myself, to do anything of value -- but it is through Christ -- that all things are made new, made possible.
Confessing and Moving On
Today, thus, is a day of uncertainty, of feeling the force of the wake as it washes over me. Today, is a good day. Of course, it is a good day. Yet, today, I struggle to figure out how to make strides forward when the waves of life are crashing all about me. I know, I know...
Psalm 107:28 says, "He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves." Yes, I look up to the One whose voice calms the storms and stills the waves. I look up this good, good day. Praise be to God, I look up.