February 4, 2016

It is a Strange Day Today

It is Thursday, and I am struggling today to overcome these feelings of oppression and depression. I cannot really explain it, other than to say, that I feel so awful, just like this dark rain cloud has settled on top of me. It started on Monday, and here we are at the end of the week, and the feeling hasn't lifted. Yet, that is. I have prayed, confessed, and declared the power of God over and through my life, and still, I feel beaten down. I am sure that this is part and parcel to my upcoming exams. I mean, should I pass my exams and advance to candidacy, then I am on my way to completing this important goal - my PhD! God has purposed and plan this goal for me, and He has seen me through to this point in my program. I am confident that He will see me through to the end, and that I will be successful. However, until then, my enemy seems poised to hit me where it hurts most, and right when I am at my lowest point and when I am feeling most vulnerable. God knows my heart, and He knows my limitations. I am struggling today to keep all my boats upright and afloat. I am praying for His power and might to be poured out upon me, and for this veil of darkness and confusion to be lifted. I ask this now in the mighty, merciful, and matchless name of Jesus, my Lord and my Savior, Amen! Selah!

I also think that I am tired, just bone weary and physically exhausted. I really would like to rest, like take several weeks and rest, but for now, I have to push on through these feelings and stay focused on what matters most. The Lord knows what I can and cannot do, so I am focused on Him right now, and I am drawing on His power, His authority, and His ability to see me through to the end. He can do it; I cannot. He can make this happen; I am unable, impotent, and clueless to do anything good thing. He is God; I am not, and as such, my dependency is utterly upon Him and Him alone. Selah!

Holding On and Staying Strong

My day started off rather weakly, but praise God, I am still in the game, and I am not going down without a fight. I completed my phone interview, and while less than satisfactory in my opinion, it is done and over with for the day. Perhaps the Lord will move to open this door, but if He doesn't, then so be it. I am content and I will wait for His provision in time. After my interview, I received an email from GCU regarding that full-time position for English. I also noticed that they were hiring for full-time Communications faculty, so I wrote a cover letter to the Dean, and sent it off along with my resume. It is a long-shot for me, but I would have regretted not applying since these types of positions come around so infrequently. I am trusting the Lord on this one, and if this is His provision, again, so be it. If not, then I will remain faithful and I will wait for His open door. Until then, I am focusing on my study and exams, and I am looking forward to seeing how He intends to provide for me. Will He provide a full-time ground campus position or will He provide a full-time online position? I am not sure which way He intends to go, but I am sure that either way, it will be the perfect fit for me. For now, I am settled where I am, thinking and feeling that this is best for me. It is good, all good, and I rest in His provision and in His sufficiency.

Today has been a bit of a bust, but then, it is only 2:00 p.m. I am thinking I might just take a nap, but to do that, I would have to give up my chair, and I doubt seriously I would get it back from my cat, Winston. He has been eyeing it since 10 a.m. this morning, and he has that "look" that says, "I am ready and waiting. Please move now!"

As I think about my day today, I wonder how much more of this stress can I handle? I mean, I am about at the breaking point, and frankly, I am worried about being able to write my answers with any expertise come next Thursday. I know the Lord has me well-covered, but still, I am thinking -- oh -- I am so tired of thinking, how will I do what needs doing? I just don't know, I just don't know.

"The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing” Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

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