February 5, 2016

Less than Bold Today

Today is Friday, and I so want a major "do over" right now! Yes, I woke up early today, right around 7:00 a.m., and while I didn't get out of bed right away, I was wide awake, but not ready to tackle today's list of "to do's." I am feeling oppressed again, and I don't know why. I mean, yesterday, I thought I had it handled, I thought I actually knew the cause of the attack, and I had defeated the enemy with the mighty and powerful sword of the Spirit, the very word of God!

Yet, here I am this morning, and I am feeling down, depressed, and dejected. I don't know why, I just don't know why. I am thinking it has to do with these jobs that I am interviewing for, and the experience I have had so far with the process. Perhaps I am feeling dissatisfied, and perhaps, I am thinking "what is the point?" I mean, why even try? I guess I am just feeling down. I am overwhelmed, and I am at the breaking point, the stress point, and frankly, I don't care any more. I really don't care. I feel like such a failure, as though I have messed up royally, and here I am today, thinking "I just give up. I want to give up."

Why, Lord? Why now? Why is this happening the week before I sit my exams, the week before I tackle the most difficult thing I have every tackled in my life?

Of course, I know the reason why. I know that my enemy doesn't want me to excel, to succeed, and to accomplish God's will. Nope, he wants me to sit in the dirt and moan and complain to God for allowing me to be in this situation, this predicament, this horrible, lonely, and undesirable place. I get it, I really do. I can see how vulnerable I am right now, how overworked, and how stressed I am. It makes perfect sense to me, and I know that the enemy hopes to keep me focused on my misery so that I do not take boldness and confidence in the Lord or in His word to me. Selah!

Proverbs 28:1 says, "The wicked flee when no one is pursuing, but the righteous are bold as a lion." May I be bold as a lion this good, good day. Amen, so be it, thy will be done! Selah!

In Reflection

It is hard to believe it, but I survived my Friday! I am so glad that my day consisted of peer reviews and didn't require any teaching content. My students are finished with their first essay, and hopefully, the results will be passable. This essay is difficult, a challenge to write, and most of my students struggled through it. However, I have high hopes that they all will do well (modicum of wellness). I am glad this day is over, though, and I am so glad that I am home again. The sad fact is that while I was worn and weary when the day started, now that it is over, I feel all the more undone. UGH!

I think I am getting sick, but I am praying that it is not so. I am asking the Lord, trusting Him, to help me feel better. I cannot be sick now, not so close to my exams! Please Lord, heal my overworked body, and help me to recover from this virus that seems bent on taking me down. I trust in you this day, and I rest in your abilities as Great Healer and Physician to help me feel better.

My head is pounding, and my body is aching -- neither are good signs. Yet, my praises are to His Name alone, and I know that whatever comes will be from His glorious hand. My plate is very full, and while I cannot imagine studying tonight, I have to do "something" to push me forward, to help me overcome what I believe is the enemy's attack against me. If I can only study a little bit, well then, that will be good enough.

Help me, Lord. Help me today to do what I must. Keep me strong, let me be bold, and give me courage to do this necessary work. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. I praise you, I look up, and I wait for your hand of deliverance. You alone are good, you alone are God, and I rest in your sufficiency, your grace, and your blessed mercy this good, good day.

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