August 28, 2016
It is a good day today. I slept well, and I woke up feeling settled in many ways. I am dealing with some stomach issues, mostly the annoying kind, so today is a church at home day. It also is a church at home day because my car is with my son, who left for church at 6:30 a.m. I am blessed to know that my son is over at church, practicing and working as part of the praise team. But, I am missing my freedom, my car, and my life as I know it. I am missing my ability to come and go as I please, especially on Sundays. My prayer is that soon, very soon, we will be a two-car family again, and I will be able to start living as an adult (you know, be able to go where I want, when I want, etc.). I have felt so trapped by not having my car to use when I need it. My parents have been kind to let me use their car two-days a week, but other than driving back and forth to work, I have pretty much waited until my son was home before heading to the store, etc. I just don't feel comfortable using their car as though it was my own, know what I mean?
Feeling Uneasy Today
I mentioned at the top of my post that I am struggling to overcome some stomach issues. I have been unwell the past three-four days, nothing serious mind you, rather some uncomfortable feelings that I had attributed to my increase in fiber of late. Yes, I blogged a couple weeks ago about how I am hooked on "Eureka" Bread. I found it one day a couple months back when I was at Walmart. I was looking for a good wheat bread that seemed more "whole" than the typical fare. I didn't want to pay for "Dave's" bread or for Ezekiel bread, which are pricey organics. While I was looking at my options, I spotted this bag that was marked as "Grainiac." I took a peek and realized that the bread had flax and sesame seeds in it. It looked like a winner, and well, after one loaf, I was hooked. I eat this bread for breakfast and lunch, and it is absolutely the best organic bread on the market. It is dense, which I love, but chewy. The flavor is sweet, and the seeds are crunchy. I love this bread.
Last week, while replacing my favorite bread, I spotted another "Eureka" bread called "Top Seed." I decided to give it a try, and well, "whoa nelly!" This bread is even more seed-y than Grainiac. It is good too, very dense and chewy, but with more seeds on top. I noticed right away that this bread seemed to give me more gas, and well, the fiber, did its duty, right away. Now, I am wondering why this bread seems to have bothered me more than the other type. I checked the fiber content, and "Top Seeds" has less fiber than "Grainiac" so I am wondering if there is some other ingredient that is bothering my sensitive digestive system.
On the plus side, I think I am down a couple pounds. I have been playing with the scale, you know, up and down for the past 10 weeks. I lost about 2 pounds over all, and since July, my weight has just yo-yo'd up and down. I think I am down a total of 2-3 pounds overall, and frankly, even though I did Weight Watchers Points and Atkins (alternating), I cannot point to either system has having helped me lose some weight. Honestly, I think it is because I added more fiber to my diet, that is all. I haven't really changed much. I am still eating too many sweets, bits of chocolate and the like. My plans to lose 10-15 pounds never materialized, and with the added stress of school starting, I gave up on them for a while.
My hope now is that once I start walking across campus again (starting next week), I should be able to control my food choices better. Hopefully, over the course of the semester, I can drop the 10 pounds I added last year at this time. I think it is doable without having to change my life too much. One thing I have realized is that I cannot change my life like I used to when I was younger. I cannot pull the hour in the gym or switch to a strict diet. Moderation is the key for me, so from this point on, I am going to focus on eating better, exercising moderately, and simply letting the rest -- the stress, the worry, the concern -- go. It is all I can do, and I finally am ready to accept this fact. I am ready to acknowledge that as a 54 year old (almost - in two months), I am limited in my abilities to reshape my body. I can only use what I have, and that means I can make my body the best that is possible given my experience and my age.
The good news is that I am okay with this truth. I am okay with the fact that my body is that of a middle-aged woman, and no longer the skinny woman of my youth. I want to be healthy now, and I want to feel well. I simply do not want to give hours of my life to working out, and I am busy, like really busy, so I need to live a moderate life, active, but moderate life.
Nothing New on the Horizon
Since it is Sunday, there is nothing really new happening on my horizon. I am feeling unwell this morning, as I said, so I am at home. I have to finish interacting with my students online, and I have to get my power points/lessons ready for next week. I didn't get my paper done at all, so that is a worry. I am trusting the Lord for His guidance on my paper -- He has me covered -- I believe it. Mostly, today is a final rest day for me, and my big needs are to get myself ready for next week. God is good to me, so very good to me, and I know He has this all figured out. I am just anxious, I guess, and with anxiety comes a bit of uncertainty and unsettling that has taken a turn for the worse on my stomach today. Perhaps with some rest, I will feel better, and I will be able to get my work done. I am praising the Lord, and I am giving Him all the glory today.
I've got a lot on my mind today, mostly my feelings and my tummy troubles. I know that I have made it to the end of the month, and praise be to God, I will be paid very, very soon. My needs are high right now, and while I am not worried, so to speak about them, I simply have this sense of impending doom, this feeling that something foreboding is about to happen to me. I cannot put my finger on it, but I just have this sense that something is about to happen, and it is not good. Oh well...God is on His throne, and I am looking to Him for my security and my provision. Whatever happens, it will be within His mighty and merciful will. I am resting in who He is, because in truth, He is everything to me. He is more than able to handle whatever concerns me this good, good day. Selah!