November 2, 2016

Wednesday Worries

It is a good Wednesday. I am feeling overwhelmed and somewhat unwell. I would characterise it as feeling not at all like myself, rather as feeling as if I am being hounded, harassed, and hotly pursued by an unrelenting enemy. The past couple nights, my sleep has been disrupted by nightmarish dreams and difficult thoughts. I have struggled to even find peace when I close my eyes, and when I wake up, I feel as if I have come through some hellish experience. In truth, I am worn out. I am so very tired, and I am feeling so personally attacked. Sigh!

Last night was particularly brutal. Not only did I wake several times during the night, but at one particular time, I felt as if I was being pursued by a swarm of bees. I was being attacked, stung, and generally unable to get myself free or safe from the ensuing swarm of bees. What was worse, if there can be a worse nightmare, was the fact that in my dream, my ex-husband and son were also there. We were in our old house, the one right down the street from where I live now, but nothing was as it should be. My son was little, and my ex-husband was behaving in ways that didn't seem right. It was such a surreal experience, and then out of the blue, these bees just attacked me. I couldn't run away because the bees where inside my house. UGH!

I woke up feverish and feeling like I was actually being stung by multiple insects. The ordeal itself seemed so real, so much so that I had to get up out of bed and walk around the house just to clear my head. After I settled back to sleep, it seemed like the morning arrived much sooner than I expected. I rolled out of bed, and began my morning routine. I made it over to school, but the entire morning was a bomb. I am home now for about an hour before I have to head over to GCU. In all, I am so undone right now. The good news, if there is any, is that my Lord lives. I feel His sweet presence all around me, and I know that I am safe. I am good, despite feeling so awful. I am good.

Making Sense of My Situation

I did a quick google look-up on the meaning of bees and bee stings. Curiously, most dream interpretation sites say that bees are a symbol of good luck, and that getting stung by a bee is a good thing. I had to scratch my head at that one because in my world, bees are not a good thing. I mean, I love bees for what they are, God's little pollinators and such, but I have had such a terrifying fear of bees my entire life, so getting stung in a dream is never a good thing. In my view, I mean.

I assumed that the bee stings were due to my feelings of overwhelm, that I was too busy with too much work, and that I was being attacked by my enemy for some unknown reason. Perhaps the bees were stinging me to bring me good luck (go figure that one out). I just don't know. All I do know is that I am so tired today, so very tired. Right now, I would like to fall asleep. I would like to rest my eyes for 20-30 minutes and just have my life disappear and reintegrate as some other thing. That would be cool, don't you think? I mean, lets just recreate life with a push of a button. Don't like this view? Hit the green button to go to the next one. Presto! New life, new view, new attitude! Sigh!

In hindsight, the only thing I can think of as to why I am suffering so is that I am being oppressed. I feel oppressed right now. I don't feel depressed, mind you, just oppressed -- harassed -- as if nothing I do is right, good or even valuable. I am suffering under the weight of pressure, the formidable pressure, and without proper sleep, I doubt I will do well. I am struggling just to maintain my head above water today, and really I need a bit of rest to feel better. The Lord knows my needs right now, and He knows that I don't have the luxury of taking a nap (oh, how I need one). Instead, He knows that I must press on, continue on through this ordeal, and that in time, all things will clear. I will feel better. I will recover, and I will be restored.

God is My Only Hope

I was reading Deuteronomy 30 today, and this section of the text stood out to me. It is from verses 3-13 in the Message:
God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors.

God, your God, will cut away the thick calluses on your heart and your children's hearts, freeing you to love God, your God, with your whole heart and soul and live, really live. 
God, your God, will put all these curses on your enemies who hated you and were out to get you.  And you will make a new start, listening obediently to God, keeping all his commandments that I'm commanding you today.

God, your God, will outdo himself in making things go well for you: you'll have babies, get calves, grow crops, and enjoy an all-around good life. Yes, God will start enjoying you again, making things go well for you just as he enjoyed doing it for your ancestors. But only if you listen obediently to God, your God, and keep the commandments and regulations written in this Book of Revelation. Nothing halfhearted here; you must return to God, your God, totally, heart and soul, holding nothing back.  This commandment that I'm commanding you today isn't too much for you, it's not out of your reach. It's not on a high mountain - you don't have to get mountaineers to climb the peak and bring it down to your level and explain it before you can live it. And it's not across the ocean - you don't have to send sailors out to get it, bring it back, and then explain it before you can live it.
I love this translation because it puts God's word right into every day context. I love how the translator says "God, your God" will do this or that for you. I am reminded that it is my God who is as work and to will within me (Phil. 2:13). It is God who has a plan and a purpose for my life (Jer. 29:11), and it is God who is working out all the details (Rom. 8:28) in such a way as to bless me, prosper me, help me, heal me, and enable me to do His will in this life (Deut. 28).

Psalm 39:7 HCSB says, "Now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." I feel this way today, that my hope, my only hope is to wait for my Lord, to look up, to remain steadfast, and to allow my God, my King, my Savior to do what He does best. He will make a way. He will make sense of my situation, and in all things, He will show me, lead me, and guide me into the path of safety. He will do it because He is good, and His faithfulness, love and mercy endure for all time. Selah!

 In Closing

As I stop today for a moment to think, to really think about my life, I realize that no matter what happens to me today, I am in His hand. I am safe. I am secure. I am steadied by His constant communion, constant companionship, constant care and concern. I am safe. He is my King, and I bow down this good day to give Him praise. All praise, all honor, and all worship are His this good, good day.

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