February 16, 2017

Feeling Oppressed and Unwell

It is Thursday, right about 12:30 p.m., and I am still sitting here at my desk wondering if I will make it through and complete all my to-dos on my weekly to-do list. I don’t even want to do them today, but I know that I must. I have to stay on top of these things or else I will really fall behind. Right now, I am feeling better, but still not up to my best. I am so worn out, so mentally and emotionally worn out. One of the things I noticed this morning was simply how “undone” I felt. I mean, I felt as if I was unraveling. I was coming a part at the seams. Yes, I am ready to lay down this burden and simply let my life go. I know that sounds harsh, but I am stretched to the breaking point, and physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am suffering. I need this whole dissertation to be over. I need the stress of knowing if I will graduate, if I can rsvp for graduation, etc., to be behind me. Yet, I won’t know until next week, and then well, it is all hell breaking loose as I try to wrap up my project and be ready to finish. I am sunk, I am so sunk. I just feel overwhelmed and as if I am unable to move forward.

Yes, I know what the cause is, and I know what must be done. But, still, I struggle with these feelings, these tidings that say to me, “You will never finish. You will not graduate.” I need His help so desperately today. I need His influence, power, persuasion, and His strength to finish strong. I need protection from my enemy, specifically my enemy just so I can stand straight. I am bent over, and right now, I just need His help. I need His help.

Claiming and Proclaiming the Name of Jesus

I spent some time in the shower today praising God, and giving testimony to His faithfulness in and through my life. In truth, I am where I am today because He has seen to it. He has been faithful to me rather than me being faithful to Him. I have failed Him so many times, and right now, I feel as if I am failing Him again. I need His help. I need Him to show up, BIG TIME, and do this work. I cannot even imagine what the Lord has in mind for me this good day, but I feel inside that it is going to be significant. In fact, I feel that He is moving through me right now and that I will see the outcome of this day go from negative to positive, from low charge to full, in short order. More so, I  feel confident that the Lord is going to do something in my life today, and that as a result, I will feel the freedom to move, to go, to do His work, in His way, and according to and by and through His marvelous and gracious will.

Thus, I am claiming and proclaiming the Name of Jesus now over my situation, my circumstance, and I am expecting great results as I do it. I am no longer going to be pushed and shoved by the enemy; rather, I am going to rout him by standing in the blood of Jesus, and taking authority with the Word of God. His banner over me is Love, and His mighty and merciful wings shelter me from the storms of life as well as the adversity of my enemies. I will not be shaken. I will not be loosed. I will not lose this battle — for the battle — belongs to the Lord. He is mighty. He is victorious, and it is in His Name and with His power that I do all things to bring Him honor and praise.

I must rest. I must cease striving. I must let His mercy and goodness flow over me. I must remember who He is and who I am, and since He is more than I will ever be, I must look to His strength, His ability, and His wisdom to do this work.  I let Him take control, and I yield my need to control results. I yield my need to be thought of highly, to be considered well, and I take my place with those who are like me — weak, frail, and helpless. I know my end, and it has come. I must now rely on His way to overcome the obstacle in my path. I must look up lest I succumb to the helpless and hopeless feeling that washes over me. Where does my help come from? From whom is my deliverance? My help comes from the Lord, and I am safe in His tender love and gracious merciful care.

My shield, my sword, and my armor are in place. I am ready for battle, but my strength fails me. I stand in Jesus’ Name now, and with His merciful hand of blessing by my side, I know that whatever happens to me this day, it is for His good. It is for His will, and He has made a way for me.

The goodness of the Lord surrounds me, and in His shadow, I find my rest. I simply let go, and I let Him live, breathe, move, and change whatever in my life must be changed. I am ready to go, Lord. I am ready to see the glory of the Lord, and I am ready to receive your gifts, blessings, and merciful goodness into my life this good, good day.

In Closing

As I close this blog post, I realize that I am where I am today by divine appointment. God knew that on this day, February 16, 2017, He would show up and change my life. He would move in such a way as to bring me a new sense of His love, His presence, and His will. He knew that I would be at the breaking point, and that I would be ready to listen — to really listen — to His voice. He knew that I would need to come to Him, on my knees, and ask Him to step in and help me. He knew that I would finally get to the end of myself, and then and only then, would I be ready to let Him lead me on. He knew what it would take for me to be rid of my pride, my sense of worth, and my reliance on my abilities. He knew that in order for me to move past this point in time, I would have to literally crawl my way through, and that in doing so, I would find His peace, His rest, and His mercy. Yes, He knew that at my breaking point — not physically, not emotionally, and not spiritually, but mentally — there would be rest. He knew that my stronghold, my last defense would be my intellect, my mind, my ability to think, to plan, to rationalize. Yes, He knew that my intelligence would be the last bastion to fall, but that when it did finally fall, He would be there to step in and to take control. My wisdom or lack thereof would be the one hinge on which His entire plan turned. Now that I have laid my mind down, my thoughts, my ability to process, to critically analyze and everything associated with wisdom, intelligence, and thinking — He is ready to step in and take the role that only He can handle with ease. He is ready to make this project happen, and I for one, am ready to let Him have His way. In all things, I am ready to let Him have His way.

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