February 15, 2017

New Day Dawning

Today is Wednesday — just another mid-week bump in the road. I woke up this morning after passing a not-so-restful night. I feel fine, but I just couldn’t fall asleep, and then once I did, I struggled to stay a sleep all night long. I got up around 6, just to keep the boys from being obnoxious. Still, I made it back to bed, and when I finally did get up around 8:30, I felt pretty well overall.

I am guessing the reason why I feel the way I do is because I took yesterday off. I mean like OFF. I was supposed to have a call with my professor, but he suggested I spend the time editing my paper. I was planning on doing that and started out — but after about 15 minutes — I had this sense like my brain was shutting itself off. I literally shut down. I mean, my brain, my mind, my thoughts — everything — came to a screeching halt. I ended up taking my Mom out shopping, to Target and then to lunch. It was a good thing, too. I didn’t do any student related work all day, and well, today, I still have this sense of shut-down, but it is not as bad as it was yesterday. I know the answer — I am burnt out. I am literally WORN out. I can barely function, and my mind is simply not cooperating with me. I have to teach today — three classes — but I am going to go to school, and I am going to trust the Lord to teach through me. I need His help more than I can even describe.

As I was praying this morning, I gave this whole project up. I have already done this many times, but today, I simply said, “Lord, I cannot do it. I just cannot finish this dissertation in the time that is left. I need your help!” I have tried to manage my time. I have allowed the pressure of finishing, of graduating, etc., to ramp up to the point where I thought I was going to meltdown or explode. Today, however, I simply quit. I just laid it down at His feet, and I said, “I trust you to do whatever it is you want to do with this project.” It is His work, after all. And, He has a plan for my life — thus — who better to leave this 3/4 finished project with than the Lord.

So as I sit here, blogging a bit before school, I am feeling this sense of ease come back  over me. I am feeling at rest, and I am sensing that this was His idea all along. He simply let me run the course to near exhaustion, knowing that I would eventually give in before it was too late. I don’t mean to say that He did this on purpose, but part of me thinks He did. I mean, He knows me so well. He knows how I need to control things, and how hard I work to control things every day. My normal approach is to take the reins and yell, “Heave Ho!” I am such a sucker for work. The problem, though, is that this work is not mine, per se. It is His work, and as such, He is the author and finisher of it. I am a participant for certain, but I am not the author of this work. He wants the glory. He wants the praise, and rightfully so, He deserves both.

I laid down my way today, and He gave me peace and a sense of closure. I can see that in all things when I push and shove, I simply get pushed and shoved. Yet, when I relent, let go, and let Him have the lead, I am carefully ushered through to the end. It is like I get the “expert treatment,” the royalty guide. I have learned that if I want to be battered and bruised, I need to keep on trying to get my way. But, if I want to be carefully led through, up and down, and around the way, then I have a much better chance of actually making it though in one piece.

Today, thus, my prayer is to simply rest. I need the rest. I am ready for the rest. I need this whole project to be over, and in this way, I need to move on to His next best for me.

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