June 29, 2017
Learning to Let Things Go
My mind is so focused on the next 3-6-9 months that nearly a day goes by when I don’t find myself feeling depressed over the lack of progress in my life, the lack of movement toward a full-time faculty position, and generally, a lack of knowledge about where I will be, what I will do, and how I will do it. I am stuck in this wilderness of waiting, and while I am learning how to be content where I am, to remain still, I am finding that as the days progress, plod on so to speak, I am becoming less and less content and at peace to remain where I am.
A good case in point is this morning. I woke up this morning, feeling off, and wondering what ill will was waiting for me. I had this sense of doom and gloom, and instead of praising the Lord, meditating on His goodness, I gave into the feelings, and I began to think negatively about my entire life situation.
Yesterday, I blogged about the fact that where the mind goes, the body follows. In my experience, today in particular, I bear testimony to this fact. My mind went to negative thoughts and feelings, and my body responded in a like manner. I was grumpy when I woke up, and grumpy as the morning progressed. In truth, today has been a rough day — and it is only 10:00 a.m. *Sigh*. What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? I am contentious, argumentative, and generally, disagreeable. I am rarely this way, but today — this morning — for some reason, I am not functioning in His love. I am not walking in Agape love. I am not thinking, feeling, and responding with His intention and mindset.
I am sure the reason why I feel the way I do is because my morning started off with a fit. I woke up early, at 6:20, and I struggled to fall back to sleep. I got up, fed the boys, and tried my best to sleep in a bit longer — hoping to make it to 7, but my mind raced, and I found myself unable to drift off again. What is more is the fact of the matter was that I woke up thinking about the day, how it is Thursday, and how it has been one week since I contacted Regent about my transcript. In truth, I thought about how it has been 3 weeks (all Thursdays) when I first got involved in my transcript issue. It has been three weeks — 20 days — and no change to my status has happened, despite all the promises that things would be resolved, cleared away, and good. So this morning, I was worried, stressed, and I didn’t feel very well simply because I knew that another week had passed without any change. I felt panicked, pricked, and insensitive — all because of the fact that my official transcript is still not resolved. I prayed about my situation, how I am still in limbo, and I asked the Lord what I should do. I felt He wanted me to call the registrar, and even with my heart and mind set on being gracious, I simply let my prickiness poke out. I wasn’t as nice as I could be, and thus, I found myself at the end of a nasty stick.
I sort of knew that I might have to get prickly, and well, I hate it when this is the case. I so do not like contentiousness. I so do not like to get angry. Thus, I rolled over this morning, my mind ran through the scenario, how I would have to call the Registrar’s office AGAIN, and maybe this time, I would have to get angry in order to get my point across. I already was thinking about losing my cool — even before I dialed the phone — and sure enough, I did. I lost it. I got prickly. *Sigh!*
Now, I am sitting here thinking about how I fell into temptation this morning, how I sinned when I let my anger get the best of me. I am still thinking about it, how I failed to be gracious and kind, and how I really didn’t trust the Lord to resolve the situation without my intervention. I simply didn’t wait. I wasn’t patient. I didn’t endure. I didn’t worship the Lord, praise His name, and wait on His provision. Instead, I got prickly. I got my dander up, and I took control.
I have since confessed my sin to the Lord. I have since taken responsibility for my lack of patience. I have had to “stand down,” and while I don’t like the fact that I got uppity, I am glad for the result. I did push things along, and the right people now are informed and working on the problem. It wasn’t that they weren’t working on it, it was just that my paper was probably at the bottom of a stack of papers. I assumed my case was special, and without really considering all the other people who were ahead of me, I made my case known. I should have remained humble. I should have believed He would clear the mess, instead, I simply pushed. I pushed and I made noise. *Sigh!*
Lesson learned. Panic over. Pain and sorrow ongoing.
I learned that I have still much to learn. Yes, I am the grasshopper to the Master, and frankly, I have much to learn, so much to learn.
So today is a good case in point. I think I should go back to sleep. I think I need to go back to sleep. I think I need to go way back to the beginning of the day and simply "do it over." Yes, I am in need of a major do-over.
As the day has progressed, I've found myself even more stuck in this place of unknowingness. The blessing in all of this "unknown" is that my transcript has been shifted, praise God! Yes, as the morning wore on, my push turned to shove, and by mid-afternoon, I received word that my transcript had cleared, and I was officially graduated. God is so good. He is so very good to me.
In between all the pushing, shoving, and humbling of spirit, I realized that I was feeling pressured to achieve, arrive, and accomplish something that perhaps the Lord wanted me to do. I mean, I have been patiently waiting for movement, and I have sensed that He was indeed ready to move. My transcript was the cog in the wheel, so to speak. It needed a good hard push.
After the delight of hearing the news that my transcript was released, I laid down on the bed with my boys and promptly fell asleep. I was thinking about the Lord's will, His plan, and what might happen now that the cog was removed.
Two hours later.
Two hours passed and I slept like a rock. I mean, I fell asleep hard. I woke up to my son returning home, and with his crashing around, I sort of was startled awake. I had already started to wake up on my own, and I had checked my phone for emails and updates. Lo and behold, I had an invitation to interview sitting in my inbox. Yes, I had an invitation to interview.
I should say that I have been waiting for an email asking me to interview for months. The Lord had revealed to me that I wouldn't apply for a job, but rather I would be solicited for one. I thought it would just come out of the blue, but in reality, this interview request was part of a submission I made earlier in the year -- a good 3 months ago. In truth, I had forgotten about it. Now, I am set to interview next Thursday.
So what does this mean for me? I wonder about my strong push this morning and how my feeling like I needed to get the ball rolling set other events in motion. I don't know if this job will come to pass. It is for one of the school's where I already work, so it is a full-time position. Should I not be selected, I would still keep my part-time work. I would be content either way.
However, this means -- literally -- that the decision to stay in Phoenix is 99% made. I mean, should this job come to pass, I would need to remain. I would need to REMAIN. The Lord has said to me, "Remain" but I assumed that was spiritually intended, as in don't move spiritually. I guess He meant physically remain as well.
For now, I am overwhelmed by His gracious hand. I am overwhelmed by His provision. I am overwhelmed by His presence. He has faithfully kept His word to me, and I am now ready to be promoted. I am ready to be promoted to full-time faculty. I have my degree. I have my transcript. I have experience. I am ready. I am ready. God be praised, I am ready to go and do His will and work.