In truth, I am ready. I am content. I am good. I know the plan He has for me is really good. I cannot help but feel though that something is not right. Yes, there is this nagging feeling like I have forgotten to do something, something really important. Or, that I am off the mark, so to speak. I cannot put my finger on it, but I just feel like something is off. I don't know what it could be as I have evaluated and re-evaluated my steps the past week or so. I don't see anything I have missed, so perhaps it is just nerves.
The good news is that my life seems to be settling down to a dull roar (ha!) I am getting my life organized, and now that I have my old car back, I am able to come and go as I please. My son is enjoying the new car, and he is glad to have a bigger car to transport his gear. I am glad, too. My backseat and trunk really took the brunt of all that loading and unloading of equipment. He must heft up 60-100 pounds at a time, and frankly, my little Sentra was not meant to be a cargo truck. In all though, we are blessed beyond measure to have the new car to tour around in, and despite the collision with a tiny rock on Wednesday, we are faring well. I am praying for the Lord's grace and mercy to cover us for driving and car safety. Please, Lord, do not let anything hurt that vehicle until we can get it paid for properly!
My mind is racing this morning as I am trying to anticipate my schedule for fall. I have to get my materials all organized, and while teaching online doesn't really require much in the way of management, it does require some preparation. My campus classes are the real heavy hitters. I have to make sure I have enough materials for my students to engage with for 16 weeks of the semester. I have to show up to teach, and that requires a bit of mental and physical preparation.
Making Some Plans (Again!)
Today is a good day for planning. I am home, and though I have some errands to run later, for the most part, I have the whole day to devote to planning and preparing for my future life. Yes, I want to plan my future, and in this way, I want to get the next 10 years settled, finalized! Shazam! I wish it were that easy, really, but in truth, I really cannot plan too far in advance. I can jot some ideas down, but only the Lord knows what will be tomorrow. I must trust in Him, rest in His abilities to plan and to prosper me. I cannot run ahead of Him nor can I try to guess what the Lord wants me to do next. I need to focus on the steps in front of me because only those steps are clearly marked for me. The rest of the steps are either so far out of reach or they are shrouded in mist. I must rest. I must trust Him completely, and I must not fret about what I don't know, and what I cannot see. He is good to me. He is so very good to me.
The Lord knows my needs. He knows what I can and cannot do. Moreover, He knows my limits. I am fragile. I am limited in my abilities, and I am not able to control my outcomes the way that He can. I simply do my best, but the Lord is the author and finisher of my faith, my entire faith walk, from beginning to end. I must rely on Him, lean on Him, and trust Him for my future life.
With that said, this is what I know now (as of today). I am to remain in Phoenix for the duration of my life, which simply means that for the time being, I am to remain where I am, living where I am, and doing the work the Lord has provided for me to do in this place. I am not to move anywhere -- yet. I am to rest. I am to relax. I am to realize that the Lord will move me when He chooses to move me and that He will not move me until He is ready to do so. This really relieves me, but I have to remember the fact that I am not going anywhere until the Lord says "go!"
As I remind myself of this fact, I also know that for the next four and half months, I am stationed here in Phoenix simply because I have work contracted to do. Yes, my contracts obligate me to remain here until the work is completed. After December, however, once again, I will be free to go. Technically, the Lord could choose to move me in January or He could choose to keep me here until next May. In either case, the moving would enable me to take on new work, more established work or simply give me the opportunity to live in a different place, a different home, and a different climate.
For now, I believe that the Lord will either keep me here in Phoenix or He will move me to IL. Phoenix and IL are the only two places the Lord has asked me to consider as potential "permanent homes" so I have to believe that He has work for me to do in both of these places. I am settled here, so to speak, but I don't have any permanency. I have a rented home, a good home, but there is some inkling that my landlord may choose to sell this house within the year. Thus, I feel confident that the timing for the move is really within a year at the most. This means that I need to be prepared to move should my landlord say, "we are selling the house." I would not want to purchase this house for many reasons, mostly because I don't believe this is the Lord's will or His provision for us. I do know that moving any place else is going to be problematic right now. My parents are not able to move. I mean, I can move them, but moving them is traumatic and difficult to consider. Thus, unless the Lord opens some door that will "move us" we are really waiting for some other way out.
My son will be graduated from school next May, so timing for moving by then seems practical and doable. However, I am not sure the Lord wants me to wait that long, and that He may send me ahead to get everything in order. This seems problematic as well since it would require that we have to move twice (me and then him). I feel that no matter what happens, the Lord will clearly execute His plan and that I can rest in the knowledge that it will be good. He will go before us, prepare our way, and then He will provide everything necessary so we can be approved to go. It will be just like buying a new car. I went to the dealer with my broker, test drove the car, agreed to the car. Returned in a couple days, picked up the keys, drove home. No big deal. No sweat. God will do the same thing for me and my family. He has always done this for us, and I have no doubts that He will do it for us again.
Thus, today, while I finish up my grading and do all the other little things on my to-do list, I remember that the God I worship is bigger than all my fears about the future. He is bigger and more able to handle my concerns so I do not have to worry. I do not have to fret. I do not have to be anxious for God goes with me. He is good to me. He is so very good to me! Selah!
Shouting Out as I Go
In conclusion, I have decided to shout out His praise in the midst of all the unknown. I mean, I can hunker down and be afraid or I can boldly proclaim His Name and walk in confidence. In whom do I trust this good day, Carol? I trust in the Lord!
My God has my life well-covered. I am good. He is good. And, the plan He has for me is very, very good. I can rest in His authority, His complete authority, and I can take comfort in knowing that my God is not going to upset the apple cart for "giggles." No, not at all. He has a good way for me, and His way is perfect (to His plan). I can rest in the fact that the path I walk on today is the path of His choosing. It will lead me toward the accomplishment of His purpose and His plan for my life. I will arrive at my final destination in His time, and when I do, He will say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!" Selah!
Today, therefore, while I feel a bit off, I remember that my God has this (my life) well and in hand. I don't have to be afraid today. I can be strong. I can be bold. I can trust Him to provide. He is good. He is so very good to me!