A New Day

The End is Near

2012-01-23T07:36:00.002-07:00

It is 6:47 a.m. and I am sitting here at my computer, drinking my cup of coffee, and taking care of business! I have the day off today (in place of having to work my Saturday rotation this week). I had hoped to sleep in, but instead was up at my normal waking hour (5:00 a.m.) I fed the boys, made my coffee and tried to go back to sleep for a while, but my mind was swirling with thoughts about the next three days. These are the final days of my life at 3835 E. Hearn Road in Phoenix.

David and I moved into our home on Hearn Road in May of 1999. I was a happy, albeit stress-filled time for us. We had been renting a home in Scottsdale, Arizona for the past year and half. It was in a nice neighborhood (near Camelback, if you know the area). The house had issues, and the entire time was fraught with problems. The heat pump never worked right, so it was either freezing cold or blazing hot. The property maintenance company never attended to our needs, so I spent one entire week with my sink backed up water before my neighbor came and rotor-rootered it out for me. I had to demand the oven be fixed, and then finally it was -- but not until I had gone about six months without the use of an oven. On top of all of that, we suffered nightly with gigantic roaches -- I mean GIGANTIC -- the size of Southern Palmetto bugs. They got in the house, and I would find them in my sink, my dishwasher -- on the walls of the kitchen. Oh -- it was awful.

The previous home had been a rental condo, and it was a stark change for us, since we had moved from a home in California. The three of us had been crammed into about 1000 SQ feet. We had boxes everywhere, and we had five cats. It was one long year of being smashed into a very tiny place. The house in Scottsdale was better since it had a nice fenced back yard for our son. It was doable, despite all the issues.

Unfortunately, the number one issue we never could get away from was lack of income. We left San Jose for three reasons: to come to Phoenix to be closer to my husband's parents; to reduce our monthly expenses (mainly rent, which went from $1300 per month down to $800); and to move away from the past business failures. It was to be a fresh start, a new lease on life. My DH was to go to golf school, and I would work temporarily until he got a job in the golf industry. He wanted to be a professional golf instructor, and so we moved to Scottsdale so he could go to golf instructor school (in Chandler).

As things turned out, nothing materialized for us. I worked two jobs: one as an assistant in a T-Shirt shop, and one as a part-time Preschool Director for my church (Scottsdale Bible Church). My DH didn't go to golf school, and instead got a job working at a local golf course. It was a good job. He got hired by a friend from our church who worked there as the Director of Golf. It didn't pay well, but we made enough money that for once in a very long time, the bills got paid on time.

After about a year, my DH decided that he didn't want to keep doing "golf" and that he wanted to go back into business again. I was against it, and I didn't want us to go back to the way things were in San Jose. I wanted to keep on making steady income, and to move up into a better life. However, my DH decided to go back into the promotional advertising business, on the side, to help make ends meet. I was OK with that idea because as a side business, it was fine -- I just didn't want to be back in that business full-time.

Well, things went from bad to worse. My DH lost his job, then was offered a good job at Paradise Valley Country Club, where all the other outside guys ended up. He didn't want to work outside, so he refused to take that job. The Director of Golf at that course was also from our church, and kept saying that it was a good job, and that he could do OK in time. Oh, why didn't he just do that job?

Any way, to make a long story shorter, we had to move from our condo to our house in Scottsdale and finally to our home on Hearn Road -- all for one reason -- lack of ability to pay the rent and/or mortgage on time. The same reason that had plaqued us in San Jose, and forced us to move from Cupertino, to Campbell, and then to the East Side of San Jose. It was always lack of steady income.

Patterns. Patterns are important in life, especially when you are trying to diagnose a problem. Doctors look for them, scientists track them, and scholars research them. Patterns are the clues to help you identify key areas of concern or underlying issues. If you pay attention to them, you can almost always trace them backward to the source. If you are willing to acknowledge these patterns, often you can come to understand why choices are made, and why certain behaviors always seem to follow predictably after them.

In our case, the pattern of lack of steady income was something that was always there, always a part of our life. It was not something that was part of my life. In reality, I had worked steadily from the time I was in high school through to when I got married. Sure, I took time off in between -- mostly when I was a college student -- and would find myself working too many hours to keep up with my studies. I worked several jobs before I married my husband. I recall the following:

McDonalds (first job, paying $5 an hour)
The Boot Store (a Western Boot store, paying $6 p/h)
a "Charlotte Russe-like" store in the mall (about $4-5 p/h)
NuTech Engineers (my first real corporate job, paying $20 p/h)

I met my husband while I was working at NuTech. I was living at home, and as I recall, I was bringing home about $800 every two weeks. Not too shabby for a young girl. I was in between school, having taken some time off due to a bad breakup (with my high school boyfriend) and the residual stress of my high school car accident. I wasn't doing well in school, I was floundering in life, and I was lost (clueless -- saved by Grace, but lost as to what God wanted me to do -- more on that later).

After we married, I worked for:

CompuServe, Inc. (second corporate job, making better money $30K)
Share Base Corporation (third job, making the most $40K)

Then came school (San Jose State) and my son being born, and staying at home as a SAHM.

My DH worked at Runner's World Magazine and then the San Jose Business Journal. Both jobs paid him very well ($40-60K plus commission). For all intents and purposes, there was no reason why we couldn't live on our combined income. We had some credit card debt, but I never really understood where all the money went to, I mean -- I brought home about $1200 every two weeks and my DH should have had $2-3K coming in as well. For some reason though -- we never had any money. The bills never got paid, and we always were struggling to pay for repairs, buy food and keep the lights on.

This was ALL before my DH decided to go into business for himself, and then our income went to ZERO and remained inconsistent for 25 more years.

As I trace the patterns backwards, I see my steady progression in business, and in making a consistent daily living wage. In truth, had I managed my own money, and not allowed my DH to manage it, we would have probably been OK. I didn't know how to manage money back then, and I was afraid of how I would balance my check book.

All I can think of is that our money was gambled away. My DH's good friend was very wealthy, and he was a big time gambler. He always was making money on sports. Perhaps my DH gambled our money away as well? I don't know, and my DH never told me where the money went to or how it got spent. I just know that I lived on pasta noodles and sauce (no meat), mac and cheese, chicken noodle soup, and peanut butter for the entire 6 years we lived in our apartment in Campbell. I was making close to $40k a year, and never had money for lunch or to go out with friends. I couldn't even pay my car insurance or my car license fees (stopped two many times in Los Gatos and slapped with big fines).

I still scratch my head thinking about those days, and why I allowed myself to be brought down so low. Why didn't I speak up? Why didn't I say "stop!"

Well, zoom forward to 2012. In two more days, our home on Hearn Road will be lost to foreclosure sale. It is to auctioned off because we owe $65K on it, and the owner/lender has foreclosed on us. After attempts at getting a loan (approved, but the lender not willing to assist in back payments), and an offer (with the lender not choosing to accept it), we are losing our home.

I am settled in this matter. It is what is to be done, and there is no going back. I see the patterns clearly imprinted on a lifestyle that is marked in big bold black letters "IRRESPONSIBILITY." Yes, being irresponsible is what has led this to happen. Now, I do take stance with the fact that I worked all those years, and I did actually make money during them. But as with before, I never saw the money go out. It came in to me, went into a combined checking account, and there was never anything left over. I had nothing. I lived on nothing. I repeated the pattern of living under the poverty level, even though I worked and earned a fairly consistent income as a Website Designer. I earned some years close to $50K, other years more like $25K. Nonetheless, there was plenty of money to pay for the mortgage and utilities and other expenses. My DH brought in money as well -- so in reality -- there should have been enough. But there never was, and once again, I am caught trying to figure it all out.

The past is the past, as they say, and it is overwith and gone. Yes, this is true. I am living now in a new way. I am on my own, paying my own way, and making it each month. Perhaps this is why I see myself so clearly now. Or should I say "see the past" so clearly now. If I am able to pay my bills and still have some money each month to live on -- then why was it not possible all those years ago? I am no better off financially then before, I make about the same as before, and my cost of living is the same as well. What is different now?

I think the main difference is that I am managing my money with the Lord's blessing upon it. I am not spending what I should not spend. I am living with His approval each day, and I am trusting Him to provide for my needs. He provides for me, and I use it wisely. I am honest about my wages, and honest about my expenses. I am living daily in the presence of the King; the King who is able to handle all my needs, all my concerns, and all my provision within the measure of His Mercy and Grace.

I thank God today for His Grace. I thank Him for His willingness to show me how to live my life appropriately, and how to live within my means. I thank Him for showing me how to manage money, how to plan for expenses, and how to live carefully, yet fully alive in this fallen world. I am in His tender Mercy, and I know where my Provision comes from. I know my Provider, and I look to His Hand of Mercy this day. May God be praised today and forevermore. Amen, so be it, Thy will be done. Selah!

I Am Almost Finished

2012-01-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Day One of the last three day push to empty out the old house. It has been bitter sweet for me. I am happy to be out of that house, and out from under our lender. I am very happy and contented in my new place. Every single day I find myself saying "Oh, Lord! How I love my new home!!" It is true -- I love my home. I love everything about it. And, I am so content to live here.

The old house is filled with memories. Many of these memories are not sweet. Some are, of course, but some are reminders of very hard times, very challenging and spiritually dark times. I am glad to be out, and I am glad to be walking fully in the light. It is hard to live in the darkness, even when you don't want to be in it. You want to always go turning the light on, you want to feel that warm sense of peace -- but it isn't there. There are just nagging thoughts, doubts, major difficulties, and they never seem to go away.

Since I have been in my own place, I have only had one night where I didn't actually sleep well. I had watched a movie on Netflix that deeply disturbed my spirit. I normally do not watch movies that I know will bother me or the Holy Spirit. I am very careful about it because I have an almost photographic memory so images stick with me for a very long time. This time, my son wanted to watch a docu-drama called "Downfall." It is an historically accurate account of the last 12 days of Adolph Hitler. It is a highly acclaimed film, shot completely in German, and documents the days leading up to the surrender of the German army in at the Battle of Berlin.

My son has an incredible interest in military history, and during our Ambleside Years, read almost every book (teen and adult) on World War II. He has read most of "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich" as well as several biographies of major Generals who lead the key military campaigns during the war. I never minded his interest, and remember as a child watching the "World at War" series with my Dad. I can usually tolerate these kinds of films. However, not this film. I sat through the entire film in shock. It wasn't that it was brutally gruesome (some parts were), it was more so the way the story was told. I had great compassion for the key character, and some of the lesser characters in the film. I also had intense hatred for other characters due to their lack of compassion for the suffering of the German people and soldiers.

I simply was horrified by the ending, by the totality of the victimization, and by the presentation of the film which neither glorified the Germans nor the Americans (and in this case the Russians). It was neutral in it's presentation, which is very uncommon in films. It presented the horrors of war as close to the truth. No fanfare, no sympathy -- just cruel oppression and suppression with little honor, little victory, little idealistic vision.

Okay, so I digressed a bit here. Just wanted to note that of the two and one-half months living in my new home, only one night was passed with little sleep, and that was due to watching this film. In the old house, almost every single night was fraught with some sensation of unpleasantness, some disturbance -- whether sound or visual -- that would jerk me awake. No, I am very happy to be out of that home.

The bittersweetness stemmed from having to sort through years of old items, things once treasured, but now cast off. I looked through boxes of photos from my wedding and my honeymoon. I sat and stared at childhood photos given to me when my Mom downsized their collection and passed photos to my brothers and me. I remembered my childhood -- so many happy days leading up to my 16th birthday. So many memories of my life before marriage. I saw pictures of my childhood friends, parties, Brownies and Girl Scout camp -- all happy times in my early life. It was so sweet and wonderful to see those pictures, many of which, I haven't seen for thirty or more years.

Of course, there were other items, other reminders too. Things that I easily tossed in the garbage bin. I ended up bringing home seven more bins of miscellaneous things (like the afghans my Grandmother made when my son was born) and one large steamer trunk filled with childhood items. I don't plan on keeping them all -- I don't have the space now. They are on my patio and I am praying that there will be no rain until I can sort through them properly, and decide what to keep for long-term memory.

As I consider my life, I see it more clearly now. I am able to reconstruct the past and see where I made choices and where these choices led me. I made some horrible choices in my teen years. I made plans that were outside the Lord's will for my life, and I have suffered greatly because of my decisions. I looked at those photos and saw a beautiful young woman, filled with new faith, and a new desire to serve the Lord. Oh how I wish I would have waited, just waited -- the Lord would have provided a life for me, the life of His Choosing, and I would have been so happy in it. I know this now, but I also know that the choices I made have shaped me and made me into the person I am today.

That young girl was sweet and innocent. She had a sincere desire to serve the Lord, and was very naive. However, the woman I am today is different. I am powerful, and I am poised. I am confident in the Lord's provision and in His Goodness. I know my stuff really well, and I know the One who leads me and guides me each day. I am ready, I am able to do all things through His Grace. I am a woman of Faith, and a woman who is not afraid to look life squarely in the eye and say "Watch Out -- Here I come!" I am no longer than timid and shy person, the one who was afraid of speaking her voice and saying what was on her mind. No, now I speak freely and with boldness. I am ready to do His Will -- for His Name -- and to bring Him Glory.

Those memories of the past remind me of the sweetness of when I was a child; but now, I am a woman, and they serve to call me to account, to remind me of what happened to me when I didn't follow after the Lord. No longer am I content to do anything other than His Way. No longer am I content to serve any man or woman or to prostrate myself before any idol. No -- I am wholly devoted to Him, and I am living in His Will for my life. I want nothing other than to be used by Him so that other people will come to learn of the great mystery of His Mercy and Goodness. God is so very Good to me, and I want other people to come to know and recognize that Goodness in their lives. May God be Praised today and forevermore.

But With God EVERYTHING is Possible

2012-01-14T08:00:00.002-07:00

"Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." Matthew 19:36 NLT

Isn't God amazing? I mean -- He is JUST SO INCREDIBILY AMAZING -- ALL THE TIME!!

Here I sit this beautiful Arizona morning, and I am thinking about all the things that are possible simply because I KNOW Him. Just a few specifics to get the ball rolling:

The offer we had on our old home fell through, which was unfortunate for us (facing auction on the 25th). However, God has consistently assured me that the house would sell and that I was not to worry about it. Yesterday, I found out that we have another "offer" ready to go -- this time -- there is a good chance it will be accepted. God is so very GOOD to me!
I am utterly satisfied with my job at the University of Phoenix as an Enrollment Advisor. I love my job, and I love going to work every day. However, I know that I am not meant to remain an EA indefinitely. The Lord has clearly told me that I am to move into higher education positions in time and that this role is for "now" only. I realize that He is correct because every day I go to work and then leave with this same feeling -- as if there is more for me to do. I am happy, and I am so blessed -- yet I know that there will be another position for me sometime soon.
On this same theme, people at my work are moving all over the place. There is a lot of job swapping, and that gives me the feeling that my time to move is going to be soon too. I have this intense desire to work in Academic Affairs, to work with Faculty, and to be in some administrative role. This is where I see myself staying put for the duration of my career. I feel confident that this is the next step for me. I know I need to be patient and wait, and I am happy to do so until the Lord opens that door for me.
I am now contented to consider UOPX my home for both career and education. I recently attended the online seminar on Education assistance (employee education), and I see now how practical it is for me to complete my doctorate here instead of at another public University. I also am contented to know that 68 credit hours is pretty standard for a doctorate, so I am letting go the idea of when this degree will need to be completed, and resting in the fact that it WILL BE DONE in time.

Now that I know my path, and I can clearly see where I am going -- I feel so directed and focused. I see where the Lord is leading me, and I am excited to follow Him. I know that the plans He has for my life are so very GOOD and I am eager to see them come to pass.

It is a wonderful thing to be focused and directed in your studies and in your life. I have been feeling this way for a while, but I still had nagging doubts about certain aspects of the plans. I mean -- should I go here or there, what job will be next, etc.? Now, I rest in this path. I see where it is going, and it is so GOOD. This is the path I want for my life, this is the direction I want to go. I see the Lord pointing it out to me, and I have heard His voice say to me "Go!" So here I go Lord, with your blessing and your provision. I am going towards this career and towards this degree. I am walking forward and I am not looking elsewhere. I know that you are telling me that this is where I am to go, and that in the going, you will bless me with every provision and meet every need. You are SO VERY GOOD TO ME!

Lastly, as I sit here, still thinking about the blessings of God and realizing just how precious I am to Him, I am in awe of the way He chooses to interact with me. There are still times when I question Him, when I don't believe Him right off. There are times when I worry and doubt, and when fear (the enemy) attacks me and I succumb for a time to feeling so helpless. Then I rally back, and reconnect to my SOURCE, to the One who is all things, and who is able to do all things for me. I stand -- I hold up my sheild of FAITH and I lift up the SWORD OF THE SPIRIT and I take charge. I stand boldly, know that He is God and that as God, truly He is able to do all things. Nothing is impossible for Him, and nothing is outside the realm of His SPACE. He can do it, and He does -- all the time. God is so very GOOD all the time. He is so very GOOD to me!

Changing...Again

2012-01-08T10:30:00.002-07:00

It is a beautiful Sunday here in Phoenix, Arizona. I woke up this morning after a so-so night. My new mattress is awesome, and I am getting a solid 6-hours of sleep each night. My boys are still being bad, well -- bad -- in cat terms. Every morning about 3:50-4:00, they decide to start playing in my bedroom. I guess they are getting up because they know that I will be up at 5:00 to start my work day. They bring in toys, jump on the bed, attack my feet, get into the window (and out again), and generally make as much noise as possible. I try to ignore them, but it really doesn't work. Oh, how happy I will be when they finally decide to settle in and WAIT until 5:00 a.m. to start their day!

Other than getting up earlier today, I have actually had a very lazy morning. My new DirecTV system was installed yesterday morning. I took the plunge and ordered service after receiving one of those new home coupons. I ordered the Choice package, which pretty much gives me everything I had with Cox at the old house. I get all the local stations plus my favorite HD channels. I don't watch premium channels, and with NetFlix, pretty much have everything I need to enjoy movies and music. It has been nice to get the Weather Channel and FoxNews again. I am not a big TV watcher, never have been, but I do enjoy HGTV and USA. Mostly reruns of the good shows I like, and of course, some shows on PBS. The cost was good, and the service excellent. I am really a very happy and contented little camper this good day.

As I sit here, I am thinking about some recent changes (hence the title of this post). First off, beside getting TV, I have successfully made it through the first week of the New Year. I was anxious about making my rent payment on time, but that was no issue at all. I was worried about the bills getting paid on time as well, and again, no big issue for me. I did make the switch in car insurance. I moved from Geico (so long Gecko) over to AAA of Arizona and saved about $200 per year. I will be upping my insurance coverage next month, so it will be a wash in cost -- but I will have 100% glass replacement (a must with all the rocks we have here in AZ). In all, the switch will give me better insurance coverage for the same price as what I was paying through Geico.

Some fun news -- last week, I was nominated to our Healthcare Wall of Fame at work. My team manager chose me because of my hard work ethic and my perserverance to do the best for my students. Kudos go to the Lord on that account -- I work unto Him and He does what is needed for me. Thanks to the Lord for His Gracious Mercy and Kindness. He has blessed me at my work place, as well as in my home. I am very pleased, and so well-contented with His Goodness towards me.

I have also revisited going to UOPX for advanced studies. I don't know...perhaps it was just having three weeks off from school, but I feel more refreshed now, and better able to see the "doable" nature of the degree. I know now that I can do all things in His Name, and if this degree is of His choosing, then I most certainly can do it well. I am confident of one thing -- the Lord never leads you anywhere without His Provision to do the thing He asks of you. I used to think it was up to me, to go where He sent me; but, now I realize that I must go (as in be willing), and the rest is up to Him. He provides the Way, the Means, and everything required to accomplish the task or goal. My part is simply to accept His will and to then wait for His Provision.

Some thoughts on the matter -- as I consider options for schooling, I am now less concerned about the actual courses of study, and more concerned with the feasibility of completing the study. In that regard, I can see why going to UOPX is a benefit to me. First off, there is the online system, which is really conducive to working and completing school. Second, there is the acceptability of doing school during the work day. While I am not allowed to do school while working, I am allowed to do school before work, on breaks and lunch, and after work hours. I can do school at my desk as well. That is a pretty big deal, and I am considering it as a great option. Third, there is the financial obligation, and the fact that my student loans will come due in November 2011. If I attend UOPX, I can get these loans deferred until I graduate with my PhD. Now, at another school, I can do the same, but I would have to start making payments this year to do that. I am pretty comfortable with this process, so it is a bonus to me to consider starting school in the 2012-2013 financial aid year rather than waiting to 2013-2014 to begin. Lastly, there is the acceptance of this program as a viable option for me and my career progression. It is not that I will make more money with the degree, but I do believe that it will benefit me long-term in higher education.

With this in mind, I am now considering moving into the PhD program at UOPX in August as originally planned. I am not sure how this will change my career progression now, but at the least, it will open some doors for me down the road. As far as career progression goes, I have decided to go ahead and attempt to complete the internal training courses needed to become a Senior Enrollment Advisor. I wasn't happy with the requirement, and I didn't think it would be possible to do these courses along with my thesis and last class at Mercy. Now, however, I think it is to my benefit to do them, so I have put them on the schedule and set a goal for accomplishing them by March 2012.

I am not sure when I can move into that role -- it is not a promotion so to speak -- it is more a title change with pay raise attached. The job is still the same, but the added money would be very helpful for me.

Here is my latest update on my status:

I am living in my new townhome (as of November 19, 2011)
I am established and able to take care of all my bills (November 2011)
I am almost finished with my Masters program (expected graduation May 2012)
I am doing well in my new job as Enrollment Advisor at UOPX (July 2011)
I will be ready to move to the next level as Sr. Enrollment Advisor by March 2012
I will apply to UOPX for the PhD program in June 2012 (expected start August 2012)
I will continue to work at UOPX, moving up through the career progression program until such a time as the Lord provides a different position for me
I am happy and contented and I have learned that the Lord's will is done regardless of my ability to do it.
I am trusting Him and relying upon Him for His Provision, and as such I am now at REST in His Presence.
I have confidence and I am committed to completing all the tasks He has assigned to me to complete.

My prayer for 2012 is for the Lord's will to be done in my life, and for His continued blessing and favor to fall upon me. I can do all things in His Name, and through the Power of His Name, all things will be done. I rest in the knowledge that He is God, and that I am in His tender care and mercy. He is good all the time, and His goodness flows over me. I am good because He is so very Good to me.

Day One 2012

2012-01-01T09:09:00.001-07:00

Happy New Year! I survived 2011, and ended it quietly with a happy heart and with humble and heartfelf gratitude to the One who made it possible for me to make so many changes in one year. I cannot even imagine going through what I did again -- please Lord -- let it never be this way again! I am blessed, so richly blessed, and I am so completely and utterly satisfied with the changes which have come to pass, and with my future plans. I feel good about them, and every single day I know that I am on the right path, and I am moving in the right directly. God has helped me, and I give Him all the testimony -- He is so GOOD, and He has been so very GOOD to me.

As I sit here and look out my second story window, I am thankful today for my new home. I love my new home. I love everything about my new home. It is quiet, and the neighbors are so friendly. Everyone waves as you enter or leave the development. I like that -- it is old-fashioned, and so very comfortable. I hear, "Good morning, have a nice day, or Happy New Year!" as I walk to my car, to the post, or to the garbage bins. I am truly blessed with such a wonderfully warm, and safe place to live. God is SO GOOD to me.

I cannot imagine the turmoil now, even though I know I lived in it and through it for so many years. Yesterday, I went to the bank and got a cashiers check to cover my 2nd month's rent. It felt so good to post that to my landlord. No hand wringing, no worries about can I pay or when will I pay -- I just got the check, and popped it into the post. My rent has been paid for January -- Praise the Lord!

This was not always my life. In fact, for the past twenty-some years (eight to be exact), I never knew if the rent would be paid. I never knew if the utilities would remain on. I never knew when I would get to go to the grocery store, or fill up my car with gas. It was always a guessing game, a waiting game. I hated the uncertainty of it all, and I hated the fact that I worked so hard, but never had enough money to live on comfortably. Don't get me wrong, I lived in a nice apartment, a nice rental home, and even a home I owned -- yet -- I never knew from day one to the next whether there would be "enough" money to make ends meet.

One thing that I longed for, and still do long for now, is security. For me, lack of security has been my zero-tolerance point. Not having a secure home, a secure future, caused me such enormous stress. I have lived with stress for so many years that I got used to it being a part of my life. I didn't like it, but it was there, just like the cousin who won't leave -- never going anywhere, always sticking around. I cannot tell you how much comfort it brings to me to have "enough" now. I can pay my bills on time, I can pay my rent. I have money left over in the bank. I can go to the store when I want to do so, I can go get something to eat. I can do all things without worry now.

The stress has lifted, though the remnants of that stress remain. My muscles have lived in this contorted way for so long that they no longer know how to relax. Even with treatment, chiropractic and acupuncture, the pain is still there. I still have chronic headaches and back pain. It never goes away. I know that the pain is a reminder of my life, of what was, and of the choices I made. Now, I just deal with it. Today, I am suffering -- my back hurts so badly, and I can barely move. Yet, I get up, and I go through my morning, just as I would without the pain. It is part of my life, always a part. May I never forget the choices I made, and the pain that those choices caused me. May I choose wisely now, always thinking about what He wants for me, and then choosing His Way. His Way is best, it is easiest, and it is the most reliable way to a secure future. This is what I want now, security at all costs. I want to be secure, and I want to know that my future is safely in His Hands.

Sure, I understand that the future in never secure. Hey, I know this well -- I am losing my home, I have been on welfare and Medicaid. I have been at the bottom so long, that I am very well aware that riches and wealth are fleeting. I am not looking for wealth. I am not looking for riches. I am looking to the One who gives liberally to those He loves and cares for most. I am looking solely to the Lord to provide my needs, and to keep me safe. I have learned my lesson -- reliance upon anyone but the Lord gets you uncertainty. Reliance upon the Lord brings you sweet peace, constant comfort, and the assurance of His promise:

Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you." ~Hebrews 13:5 NLT

God is Good all the time. All the time, God is Good. May His Name be praised today and forevermore. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.

Happy New Year 2012!

2011-12-31T08:46:00.002-07:00

Well, it is finally here -- the end of 2011. This has been an amazing year for me. I have gone from being unemployed to having a great job at the University of Phoenix. I have left my home of the past twelve years to move into a rental townhome that suits me and my son perfectly. I am in the process of selling my old home, and praise God, we have an offer and the opportunity to close by January 31st! Of course, there are snaggles -- but when has that ever been not the case, eh? My entire life is one huge snaggle-fest, so this is going to be no different. I am trusting the Lord to provide for me, to show the way, and to close this deal. I know this will be, I know it, so now I am content to rest and let Him do whatever He needs to do.

As I look forward into 2012, I see some very happy days ahead. First of all, I will start my last semester at Mercy College on January 25th. I am enrolled in Humanism in Renaissance Texts and Thesis Seminar. I wasn't too sure I wanted to study Humanism, but I do like the Renaissance period, so the texts might actually be ones I am familar with -- perhaps some Locke or other Philosophy. My two and one-half years at Mercy will come to a close with my graduation, May 19th. I am not planning on attending it, but I will order my cap/gown so I can have a picture taken here in Phoenix. I will be a Masters graduate! Hooray!!

In July, my nephew is getting married to his High School sweetheart. They make an adorable couple, and clearly are in love with one another. I am very happy for them. They have good plans -- both work for Apple (Retail), and have good jobs. My neice-in-law, is still in school, and has a very good future ahead of her regardless of what she chooses to do after graduation. My nephew is super-talented and has opportunities for great expression in the movie/music industry. They are well set and I know that the Lord will bless their union, and give them a good future together.

I had planned on starting advanced studies at UOPX in August, but now have had some second thoughts about whether or not this is the best program for me. I like it, but the Lord has pressed a new school into my subconcious, and it seems to be pulling me away from Phoenix, and over to the Midwest.

Earlier in the year, the Lord and I discussed options for school. At that time, I was considering two schools: Regent University and UOPX. I have since found out that I cannot start Regent this summer, due to a conflict in scheduling. Therefore, I set that aside and concentrated on UOPX. In the interim, the Lord directed me towards a program at Wayne State University in Detroit, MI. It is an ED.D in Reading, Language and Literature. At first, I was put off by how hard the program would be, how much work was involved, and the very fact, that it was going to be SO EXPENSIVE to attend there. I discounted the program, thinking it was not going to be a good fit for me.

Now, however, I have been asked to reconsider it and this time, it seems far more doable. It is 100 semester hours, and the specialty in Language offers me the opportunity study what interests me most -- educational psychology and language acquisition theory. This is something I am passionate about, and something that seems to come round to me every time I write a paper at Mercy. I am always thinking about how we process language, and how we communicate our thoughts on paper. Language and literacy are the two interests for me, and this doctorate program would allow me to study both.

I cannot enroll at this school until Fall 2013, so right now, I am strongly considering going there after a year off break. The break will allow me to settle into my job at UOPX, and will give me downtime to rest and recover. I am worn out, tired of school right now, and struggling to keep up with life. I am looking forward to the long break, and to starting the next level of school when I am fresh and ready to do so.

I am not sure how UOPX will factor into the mix. I do get tuition assistance, but if I am taking a program similar to what they offer -- they may not pay for it. However, they do not offer the RLL concentration, and that is what I want, so perhaps it will work out and I will get some assistance in paying for this school.

As I contemplate the future, I am secure in the knowledge that my career is fixed in higher education administration. I see myself working at UOPX or another college until I am able to retire. I want to stay in education, and I want to continue my advanced studies in education. I feel confident that this is my future, and that I am on the right track now. I don't know if I will remain in Phoenix long-term, but for now, it seems that everything is working out as it is supposed to do so. I am happy in my new home, in my new job, and in my college choice. I am waiting now, waiting for the provision to come through, and waiting for rest -- the time I need to recharge and get ready to tackle a doctorate in Education.

May God be Praised on this last day of 2011. He has been faithful to me, and has seen me through some very difficult times. I am so ready to be used, to go where He sends me, and to do the work He has prepared for me to do. I am ready now to start my new future in 2012. I know it will be blessed, and I give all the testimony and praise to God!

I am so excited

2011-12-12T17:31:00.001-07:00

I am so excited! My Christmas present arrived today, and I am jumping for joy!! I have wanted to purchase a buffet/hutch for nearly 30 years, and yesterday, I did it! I bought a used oak buffet with leaded glass hutch at our local Turn Style store. I had been in the store about two weeks ago, when I purchased a small side table for my living room. I found the buffet/hutch and when I saw the price tag, I knew I wanted it. The problem was the size and the lack of ability to move the piece. I stewed over it for two weeks, thinking "Lord, there has to be a way to get this piece home?" Finally, I gave in to the idea that the hutch and me were not meant to be. I mean, with my bad back, and my Dad's inability to lift anything -- how could I get such a heavy piece of furniture home?

Well, yesterday, my Mom stopped in the store and noticed that the piece was still for sale. She asked the co-owner who said that she would give us 20% off the price if we bought it that day. Mom called me, and told me the good news -- it was cheaper now, and the store had a moving person who would delivery it to my home for a small fee. I was in heaven!

Here is a photo of my new buffet. It is empty, but as soon as I can get my special dishes over from the old house, it will be filled and decorated for the holidays! I am so excited!!

Weary, but Slowly Getting Things Done

2011-12-11T04:41:00.000-07:00

This is my umpteenth weekend where I have had to work at home (not business-work, but house work). I am in need of a good long rest, but the weekends seem to come and go so quickly. Partly, this is due to moving into a new home, and all the little details that come along with changing residences. I have bought new items such as pictures, accessories, TV, etc. do add some freshness to my old things. And, while I have enjoyed the process, I am really tired of always running to Target or Walmart each day. I am ready for a rest, and I am ready to be settled.

This weekend, I had to clean out the old house and help my husband with a garage sale. I hate garage sales. I think they are the biggest waste of time, and especially now adays, net you very little profit. I would much prefer to just give away things, or let someone come (a charity) pick them up. It would be easier on me, and I would know that the items were being used by someone in need or if not, then disposed of properly. My DH likes to sell things, so he did the garage sale yesterday. I am not sure what he actually made, but my guess is about $25 dollars. Not worth the effort, IMHO.

The old house is slowly being emptied out. We signed a contract with a realtor to sell the house, but I have grave doubts about this happening. The house looks so sad without me and my son living there. I mean, it really looks shabby and worn down. It needed some big repairs, and I was planning on making them -- but when the foreclosure happened, there was not much I could do to stop it, and it seemed irresponsible to invest more money into the property -- just to lose it in the end. The house, therefore, is not in good shape to sell, and with the down market here in Phoenix, I doubt we will sell it for what we owe. Furthermore, since we do not owe to a bank, we cannot do a short sale. We either sell it for what is owed, or we allow the foreclosure to take place.

I anticipate that it will take the three of us a full month to clear the house out. We have about a month and a half until the sale, so hopefully, we can get everything out before then. I would like to have the house emptied out by the end of the month. Possible, but not probable. I am tired, so very tired all the time. I worry about my CFS, which has flared up (it seems to do so every year about now), and it is struggle just to get through the days. Working full-time has taken it's toll as well. I know that while I enjoy my job, and sit for most of the day, it is more a matter of the stress involved in working that is wearing me down. School ending doesn't help either, so I am plodding on through, knowing that once I finish this semester, I will have some down-time (about 3 weeks) before my last semester at Mercy begins the end of January.

I am very excited about graduating from Mercy, and I am looking forward to starting my PhD program at the University of Phoenix. I worry a bit about how I will do it, but I consider the One who is behind all of this, and I rest in the knowledge that He is God, and that as such, He is more than able to help me to accomplish this goal.

Well, I am finally getting sleepy, so I am off to bed. I woke up at 2:30 a.m., lounged in bed until 3:30, and then finally got up since I was wide awake. I made some coffee, and had a bowl of cereal. It is 4:40, and I am feeling that sleepy feeling. I think I will sleep in tomorrow, and take the day off from church. I have to write a paper, and get prepared for this week -- and a real day off sounds so blessedly wonderful. God be Praised for He is so Good to me. I know it, and I am trusting in His Goodness towards me. He is Good all the time.

Thinking About Next Year

2011-12-04T08:29:00.002-07:00

Happy Sunday Morning! I am sitting here in my beautiful bedroom, eating some cereal, and enjoying the view out of my window. My computer faces out, and I have the blessing of sitting above/in the trees. It is a lovely picture to have each day, and I love the fact that I can sit here alone and be in the quiet moment.

Some changes have occurred in my life recently. First all, besides moving into my lovely new townhome; I have had to deal with packing up and leaving my old home. I had worked so hard to keep my old home -- trying to do everything to stall foreclosure. I am now reconciled that I will have to go through foreclosure unless the Lord provides a buyer to us. I was over at the house this week, doing more packing and moving, when the old washer we had, broke, and flooded the entire dining/office area. It caused major damage, and thankfully the Lord provided someone who came and was willing to work out a deal with us to clean up the mess for a trade (services).

Yesterday, while the blowers and fans were still doing their work, I thought about how fortunate I am to have such a beautiful place to live in now. I have been blessed by the Lord and His provision of such a nice home. I love my new home, and I love the fact that everything seems to be working out as He had planned it. I don't understand it, and I don't really know how it will end -- but I do know that my God is firmly in control of my life now. I am so blessed, and God is so very Good to me.

As I think about next year, I am faced with the realization that this is my life now. I am settled here in Phoenix, and I now have the ability to pay all my bills, to take care of the needs as well as the wants, and that I no longer am faced with uncertainty. Praise be to God for His Goodness towards me. I look into the future, and while I don't know exactly what will be, I do know that my God is leading me through my days, bringing me into the place where He determines, and where He has need of my services to Him. I am excited to know that I can rest now, that I can go through my days and let things be as they are. I may not always like what I see, or not always feel that I understand what is happening; but I know that God is moving in my life, and that He is orchestrating the details to bring Himself Glory. God is so AMAZINGLY GOOD ALL THE TIME.

Now, my life is complete. I am happily contented to live within His Will, and to do all that He has in mind for me. I want nothing more than to be about Yah's Way. I have come to learn that His Way is perfect, and that in this way, the one who follows it, will find perfect peace -- in this life as well as in the next. This perfect peace comes from the restoration of relationship between God and man, and authored by none other than Jesus the Christ, who came at this Holy time, and lived on Earth to bring the GOOD NEWS of God's Great Love to all of mankind. In Jesus, we have the Divine representation of God Almighty -- the God who dwells with us (Immanual -- God with us) -- in personal form. Through Jesus' life and death, we are reconciled to God, and are able to resume relationship with Him. In Yah, we are able to experience the blessing, the peace, the protection, and the providence of God. We are able to be with Him through the power and presence of His Holy Spirit, who indwells the believer and who dispenses the Grace of God into and through our lives. This PEACE has come, and it is this PEACE that we celebrate during the winter season we call Christmas. I have found that to be kept within His PEACE, there is rest. This is the blessed faith-rest that brings comfort, and confidence to know that no matter whatever takes place -- personally, corporately or universally -- all will be as Yah Way (YHWH) decrees and determines.

I am not really able to explain it other than to say that this PEACE has taken hold of my life, and has given me the ability to live fully and completely devoted to God. I am blessed, I am content, and I am at rest. God is SO VERY GOOD TO ME.

Celebrating Christ

2011-11-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

Celebrating Christ's arrival to our world has become my focus this season. In year's past, I *hated* the holiday season. I mean I really *hated* it -- not because of the reason for the season, but because of what I suffered as a result of family *requirements*. As a child, I loved Christmas. I loved the whole fall-winter experience, celebrating Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. It was the best part of the year for me (well, perhaps summer vacation was the BEST!) I always loved everything about the season, and I have some wonderfully fond memories of doing things such as shopping with my Mom, my friends, and then gift-wrapping packages for my entire family. It was sweet and always wonderfully warm and special.

After I married, though, I found that my life became incredibly complicated. Instead of my normal holiday experience, I found myself stretched between two families who wanted "me" to be a part of their celebrations. I never had the opportunity to create my own traditions because I was caught between two dominant traditions that seemed unable to bend to allow a new family to create their own way. It was frustrating for me, and over the years, the constant battle turned into a passionate dislike of all things "Christmas."

Now that I am on my own, I am looking forward to enjoying the holiday and making it once again the special experience I recall from my childhood. Although I am an adult now, I am able more fully to enjoy the blessedness of my Savior's coming, knowing that the reason I celebrate Christmas is because of Him alone. God has richly blessed my life, and I have so much to be thankful for today. I am whole, I am happy, and I am free to live the life God has called me to live. I do so now out of response to His great LOVE for me, and for His Will, which gives me a place to call home (eternal and physical). I am so deeply in love with my Savior, and I am so in cooperation with His Holy Spirit, that I say with Paul:

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21 KJV

Knowing God, Knowing Your Way

2011-11-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

"...asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called--his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance." Ephesians 1:17-18 NLT

It was four years ago, summer (July 2007), when I came to know the Lord in a new way. I had been a Christian at that time for almost 37 years, and while I thought I loved God, I really didn't know what it meant to "love God." I mean, not the way we are called to do so in Scripture. I loved God in a big general way -- you know -- as God of the Universe, God who lives "out there" and as Jesus, the Savior (baby and suffering servant). I loved what I knew about God, but I didn't really love Him personally. I didn't know how to do that, I didn't know how to love something/someone who wasn't really "there" (in a physical sense). Yet, I experienced His Spirit, so I did know He was inside of me, but I didn't know what to do to experience that love other than to acknowledge His presence and be a "good" servant (study, work, ministry, etc.)

Then one day, I prayed to really know how to love God, and something wonderful happened. Instead of filling me up with the ability to love Him, He spent time telling me how much He loved me. I was filled with His love, and through that change, I came to recognize Him. Furthermore, the more time I spent learning about His love for me, the more my heart became tender towards Him, and I found myself saying "I love you, Lord" all the time. It would be at the store, in the car, walking down the street...just where ever I was...the words came out of my mouth, "Oh, how I love you, Lord!"

Little by little, I came to experience the love of God inside my heart, and throughout that year and into the next, I became more aware of His Goodness towards me. As I pondered His Goodness, I came to know His character, and I came to know that God is Good all the time. God's Goodness is the center of His being -- it motivates everything He does, and it is His greatest expression. I know people will say "no, it is His Love," and while I do agree, I believe that because of His Goodness -- He was moved to love us, even though we were unlovable due to our sin. God's Goodness is what shapes His work in us, and it is what we see most readily in our daily lives. God's Goodness gives us life, liberty, and His great love so that we can in turn love others, share our lives, and bring liberty (freedom) to those living in bondage.

I have spent the past four years basking in the Goodness of God, and I have cherished the blessings of that knowledge. I see His Good now in everything, and I give Him thanks because He is so Good to me.

"You are good and do only good; teach me your decrees." ~Psalm119:68 NLT

Have you experienced the Goodness of God today? Are you longing to really know God, to love Him, and experience His Presence? Consider meeting Him in a new and personal way. Let go of the religion, the rules, and the law, and simply come to Him -- ask Him to show you His love. He will do it, and you will understand what it means to know the Lord, and to be loved by Him. May God be praised today and forevermore. God is Always Good -- All the time!

There is nothing greater than our Savior's Love

2011-11-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

As I sit here tonight and think back on all the days of my life (17555 and counting -- not adding in my days in my mother's womb!), I am reminded of just how awesome my life is, and how precious this gift of life is to me. I spent the day with my parents, and then came home to my new house to relax and enjoy the evening. I decided to sit down at the computer and spend a little time on Facebook. I happened to stop by my nephew's page, and as I flipped through his photos, I thought just how wonderful God is to my family. My older brother (7 years older than me), has done a fabulous job raising four Godly children, who are all doing well, and living lives honoring their parents. I am touched by how close they all are, and how much love there is between their children and my brother and sister-in-law. They do not have the issues facing many families -- no arguments, no feuds -- just tender loving care for one another. It is so touching to me to see them happy, silly, and enjoying their lives together -- as a family.

My heart is tender because I sit here tonight all alone in my room -- me and my computer -- and I long to have that kind of loving family. Don't get me wrong -- I have a blessed family. I have best parents in the world, and I cherish my son who I love beyond words. I just never had that kind of loving family relationship in my own marriage. I had it as a child -- my family and childhood memories are filled with lots of laughter and moments of tender love and joy. I just never was able to have that same kind love and affection in my own home.

I know, maybe it is just my heart breaking a little more. I have been so well-covered by God's graciousness, and He has kept me from experiencing the heartache as I learned to deal with the changes in my life, and the fact that I am to live my life as a single person. I guess maybe it is just that today was so different for me. I mean, it was nice to have dinner with my parents -- a normal holiday thing -- and to come home to what I am doing now (I am on my computer, my son is on his). This is so NORMAL -- but it is just not what I want, not what I really desire deep down in my heart.

The Lord has led me through these past two years, comforting me, and giving me grace and peace to be able to do things I never thought possible. I never thought I would ever go back to college. I never considered being able to go to graduate school, and the idea of getting my PhD was out of bounds. But, here I am now almost graduated with my Masters degree, and getting ready to take the next step to get my doctorate. I never imagined I would be living alone, living on my own, paying my own bills, keeping my own life, and being so "in control" of everything. Yet, here I am now, doing that very thing, and being so confident and comfortable in it all. I never saw myself as an unmarried woman, even though I knew that God was calling me to this kind of life. I never wanted to be a 50 year old woman -- who finally learns the truth of her life -- and who finally accepts God's call with abandon, with passion, and without fear. Yet -- here I am now -- living the life God has called me, loving every minute of it, and walking each new day with excitement, with enjoyment, and with the blessed assurance that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

And though my heart breaks at the tender thoughts and sweetness of family -- I know that I am uniquely called to a different kind of life, a life that will be devoted to one thing, and one thing only -- that is to live out the WILL OF GOD, and to serve Him all the days of my life. I know my calling, it is for certain, and it is what guides and directs my life. I know where I am going, and I know how I am to get there. God has done all this for me, and I stand in awe of Him tonight.

Praise be to God, the Father; God the Son; and God, the Holy Spirit. He lives and reigns forever more. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.

Updating my Plans

2011-11-24T06:30:00.002-07:00

Now that I am settled in my new home, and moving forward in my career, I am ready to start planning my advanced studies. Over the last couple years, I have considered several Universities and even took the step to apply to Regent University for their PhD in Communication. As time has passed, and I have become employed at the University of Phoenix, I realize that while I desire to study the courses at Regent, I see a much more practical path to PhD right at my place of employment. I do not forsee me changing careers at anytime soon. I like working in a University, and I want to continue to work in Higher Education Administration. I really feel that it suits me and fits my skills well. I am not sure what exactly I want to do down the road, but I feel that I am where I am supposed to be, job-wise, and that I am perfectly content to remain here until I retire (Lord willing!)

I have already started the process of applying to the University of Phoenix. I cannot officially apply until I have my conferred Masters degree. This will be in May of 2012, which is right around the corner, so to speak. I am eager to get it completed, and I am so thankful for my courses and study at Mercy College. It has been a great experience, and I am really blessed for the content and professors who have taught graduate English Literature. I have learned a lot about myself through these courses, and I have come to have a different mindset about the world, and our cultural differences. I really have a new way of thinking, and even though I studied English, I feel that my program has enabled me to see the world through more open eyes. I am far more accepting of the differences we have now; less judgmental, and less intolerant of people and their preferences for lifestyle. God has given me this precious opportunity to grow and develop as a mature woman, and to come to recognize that all people are loved by Him.

My new plan is to apply to the University of Phoenix in June of 2012, for an anticipated start date of August 7, 2012. My proposed program will be Ph.D in Higher Education Administration. This is a long program, 65 credits or 21 classes (probably less because some will be 4 credits and not 3). Still, the program is intensive, but since I will be taking one class every eight weeks, I am confident that I can do it. My anticipated graduation, barring no time off, will be 3 years or some time in 2015. This might be too soon, depending on my dissertation, but for now, that is my timeline.

God has given me such great peace about taking this path through higher education. I know it is the right way to go, and even though I felt so strongly about Regent and their program, I didn't have this kind of peace. This is the type of peace that says "Go this way, and find good success." I know my way here will be blessed, just like it has been through my time at Mercy College. I have had great success in graduate school, and I have no doubts that my success will continue through the University of Phoenix's program.

Praise and Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T06:10:00.001-07:00

Today, I lift my voice to give praise to my God, my Savior and my King. I give Him all the thanks for His Goodness towards me. He has demonstrated His Faithfulness, His Trustworthiness, and His Goodness in ever increasing ways and means. I am blessed, richly blessed, and I give all the testimony to the LORD.

Thanking the Lord for His Merciful Provision

2011-11-22T05:18:00.000-07:00

It has been a long while since I posted regularly. These past couple months have been incredibly difficult for me. It was a difficult transition from working part-time to full-time, and then I had my graduate school courses along with the upset of losing my home/saving my home, and then finally leaving my home. I am now settled in my new job, and have moved into a lovely new townhome. I am not 100% moved yet, but I am in and enjoying the peace and quiet of my new place.

My son has gotten settled as well. Our new home is about 1.5 miles from the Community College. He can walk, ride his bike, or take the bus -- either way -- he is able to get to school now without assistance from my parents (which has been a blessing!) He is also more settled with his schooling, and seems to be happy in his new room (bigger, and more grown up).

My life seems to be settling down as well. I am still dealing with some trust issues, which bugs me a lot; but generally speaking, I am good. The Lord has established me:

"If you obey the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways, the LORD will establish you as his holy people as he swore he would do." Deut. 29:8 NLT

and He has given me His Grace so that I am able to live the life He is calling me to live. I cannot really explain it, but the Lord has provided everything I need to live on my own. Not only do I have money, but I have a home, a good car, a good job, good schooling options (now and when I finish in May, advanced studies), and He has covered me with His Peace so that I can REST.

"The LORD replied, "I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest--everything will be fine for you." Exodus 33:14 NLT

His REST has enabled me to relax and let go of things, to not worry and fret over what is happening or will happen in my life. I am learning -- note that I am in the "learning mode" on letting go of my need to control everything -- to TRUST in the Lord daily. He is my Provider and my Protector, and through His care and GRACE, I am learning how to let Him live through me. My will is now His will, and my ways are His ways. It is an exciting thing to be in His Way, and to know that whatever I do today will be blessed. I am able now to walk freely, to go where ever He sends me because I know that He will do whatever is necessary to see to my provision.

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4 NIV

I am blessed, so richly blessed -- by His Presence, by His Persistence, and by His Pleasure. There is nothing I desire more than to be in His Way and to live my life for His Glory. Psalm 37:4-5 KJV says:

"Delight yourself also in the LORD; and he shall give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

This is my life verse. This is the verse I chose to remind me of my commitment to the Lord and of His promise to me to sustain me, and to bring His Word to pass in my life. It is life in action, God's way, and it is TRUTH. I have seen the Lord give me the desires of my heart, and bring them to pass. My part in this event has been to make Him my soul's delight, and to commit myself to Him. In doing so, He has done all this for me.

God is so very Good to me. Praise the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. So be it, thy will be done!

So Much Has Changed

2011-10-30T06:45:00.002-07:00

It has been over a month since my last blog post. It is interesting how things have changed for me, since last October 2010. Over the course of one year, I have gone from being unemployed (full-time) to working full time. I have almost completed my Masters degree, and I am getting ready to move to a new home. A lot has changed, and so much of it, took me by surprize. For almost 18 months, I consistently wrote about my personal live, my lack of finding good practical work, and my relationship with the Lord as it sustained me through some very dark and difficult times. I am now on the other side of that valley, and while things are so much brighter, and my life feels better -- there are hills and valleys up ahead that cause me to shirk back. I know I must press on for the word says to us,

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Phillipians 3:14 NLT

I know that I must press on, I must continue to walk towards my heavenly calling, and to move through this mortal life with my focus intent upon the prize that awaits me at the Judgment Seat of Christ. My prize is waiting for me, a prize received for living a life of faithful obedience to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am to press on, to keep on going, to walk forward, and to not give in -- not until I reach my destination. I am tired, and I am weary. I want to rest, to sit down and take some time to let everything settle, but so much is happening right now, so much that I cannot stop yet. I have to keep on moving forward until the Lord gives me eternal rest.

I have been working at the University of Phoenix for almost four months now. I like my job, and I like my manager and team mates. I like the company, and their policies. I feel that I am in a really good spot here, and that this company will be good to me. I am hopeful that in time I will be able to move up in the company, to move into a different kind of role, but for now, I am content to do the work assigned, and to be faithful to live my life openly and honestly, doing my best, trying my best, and trusting the Lord for His will in every are of my life. God is so good to me.

My home is about to be sold. I have done my best to try and refinance my home -- but that has not proven successful. I completed a loan application, but nothing has come to pass -- not one word on whether or not it has been approved, and it has been over 6 weeks. I know that this is because I am in default of the balloon payment on the house, and according to a good friend (former broker), no bank will give me a loan when you are in default.

The default was through no fault of my own. I was left to care for the home, and I didn't have full-time work. I did my best to pay the mortgage, and to keep the utilities on, but there wasn't enough money to do that, and my DH was not helping me (hasn't been for a very long while). Therefore, I tried to do what I could, with what I had, and it wasn't enough. The note holder chose to follow the course of the law, and call our note as well as proceed to a Trustee Sale.

I didn't want this to be the outcome, not after slaving in this home for nearly 14 years, but with no job, no regular income, and no way to overcome this hurdle, the only solution was to wait and see if the Lord willed me to remain in this home. I have known that this home was not the Lord's will for my life. This home has been a money-pit, and has been a source of anguish for a very long time. There is something unwell here, and I have lived with it for a very long time. I have wanted to move, my son has wanted to move, but we remained for a myriad of reasons. The Lord chose not to allow us to be rescued from this home. He could have rescued us, provided some compassion from our note holder, and allowed us the time to get out of default -- it was not impossible, it was not a done-deal. The note holder was not willing to do so, and the home is to be sold.

Yesterday, I started to look for apartments. I have not wanted to look at apartments because I couldn't imagine moving from a 3BR/2BA home into a 2BR apartment. We have a lot of stuff to sort, a lot of stuff to keep -- and I really ddin't think we could make it fit. Furthermore, due to the large number of foreclosures in our area, the rents for homes and apartments has skyrocketed. Landlords are taking advantage of folks who cannot make their mortgages, and then charging them high rent for a home. It is a shame, but it is the way that it is right now.

I found a lovely townhome to rent. I went yesterday and toured through it. It would work nicely for me and my son, but I am the 3rd person to apply for the home. The application scared me because it mentions specifically about not making payments in rent. The owner seemed to like me, and he seemed to be compassionate towards me. I just don't know how good I look on paper, and if I will be chosen for the place or not.

The thought of having to move to a new home pleases me, but it also scares me. I hate packing, and I hate moving. I hate the whole process, yet I am so ready to leave this home, and close this part of my life.

My DH has no plans or at the least, has no plans he has shared with me. He has no job, and doesn't seem to be motivated towards getting one -- not even part-time. He is continuing to work at his consulting business, but it doesn't pay enough for him to rent a room. He was upset that I was giving up on the mortgage refinance, and he was not pleased when I said I was looking at apartments. He wants to attempt to sell this house before the Trustee Sale. I said I was agreeable to doing that, but that I couldn't do it -- meaning -- being responsible for it. With my work and schooling, my son's school and church activites, and now having to care more for my parents -- I cannot do anything more with this house. My DH works 10 hours a week, perhaps 15 on a good week. He wants me to pay all the bills, and manage the house. I am tired of being his housekeeper and home manager. He needs to get off his duff and find a job.

Yesterday, he left and didn't come back until after 11. He normally goes out on the weekends and is out until 11-12. He just says that he is going out, but he doesn't say where. I don't ask anymore. I don't care where he goes, I just know that he is not looking for work.

I am praying that this townhome comes to pass for me and my son. We are ready to move on with our lives, to walk away from this house, this life, and all that remains of our family. I wish I could say that there was a happier ending in sight, but it has been two very long years since everything went sideways on me. These past two years are simply the capstone of 27 very long and exhausting years of frustration, of sorrow, and of unwillingness to take responsibility. I am responsible now. I am in control of what the Lord has given to me, and I am being faithful to keep it well in hand. The Lord is my refuge, my strong tower, my hope. I look to Him alone for support, for strength, and for His sufficiency. The Lord is my all and all, and He has not disappointed me yet.

It's Been a Long Dry Summer

2011-08-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have been really busy this end of summer. I have barely had time to keep my blog updated -- and this from a person who almost always blogs daily. My work has taken all my time, and I have been so tired that I really don't get to do much after I get home at night. I am blessed beyond measure, and I give a BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE LORD for His Gracious Mercy. He has been so kind and good to me, and I am blessed, blessed, blessed by His Love for me. I am treasuring my days, and praising Him for my nights. God has worked miracles in my life, and I stand in awe of Him.

Some praises:

It will be six weeks this Friday since I started my new job at the University of Phoenix. My job is as an Online Enrollment Advisor for the Northestern Region. I enroll students in Healthcare and Nursing, and for the most part, I really do enjoy it. The work is hard, and my mind is tired at the end of the day, but I am getting used to this kind of work. I am also getting used to my schedule of working 6-3 each day. I may switch to 7-4 (tomorrow I am testing it out), just to sync my sleep/wake habits better.
My home is still my home -- as of today. Our note holder is still waiting for money, but for now, we are staying put and trying to see if we can refinance our mortgage. If we cannot, then we will sell our home, and move. Right now, God has brought my gardener back to me, and he has trimmed my shrubs and whacked all the weeds. The house looks really good from the street. I am thanking God for this blessed provision of a hard worker!
I am getting back into cello after about a month off. This is the longest break I have taken from practicing, and I am really rusty. My thumb was injured at Macy's, and it was so painful to bow. Now, it feels good again, and I am confident that I will get back up to speed quickly.
I am waiting to get my grades for my summer courses. Unfortunately, I had to borrow some money to cover the cost, and my fees are not paid yet. My grades are on hold -- but hopefully they will be released in the next couple days. I am all set to attend Regent University next summer, and I am working on getting all my papers in on time. God is providing such blessing as far as my school goes, and I know He has everything under control for me. This is His will, and His doing -- I am simply going along for the ride! PTL for He is so very Good to me!!
My son is doing well in school (again), and is now considering a degree at UOPX. This would be a huge savings for me, so Praise God for this turn of events!
There is so much more, but my fingers are tired now, so I am off to bed.

God is good all the time, and all the time God is Good. I am thanking Him and giving Him all the Praise for what He has done in my life. You are God, and God alone -- and I worship and praise your mighty and precious Name!

Changes and Options

2011-08-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that it is August 20th today. It has been a very long couple weeks, and I am tired, but very happy with my new job. The job itself is not a perfect fit for me, but I like my group/team, and I like the paycheck and company benefits. I realize that I will not be an Enrollment Advisor for ever, just because you really have to like calling students on the phone (which I do not). I am so much more of an academic person, and I love talking with students, mentoring them, helping them, etc. but not really into the 'soft sell' aspect of education.

God has provided me with probably the best group, manager, and team available (at the least, that is what everyone tells me), and I am beginning to agree! I am so amazingly blessed, and I know that this is ALL of His Marvelous Hand. God is so very good to me.

Some new things are on the horizon, which is kind of exciting and scary -- at the same time. I found out yesterday that our trust deed is a standard document, and that our note holders cannot forcibly evict us like if we were renters. They have to foreclose on us, go through the court system, and follow the rule of law. This means that while we are 'supposed' to pay off our note in two weeks, we do not have to continue to make payments to them beyond that date. They can foreclose, but that would give us 3-6 months before we would legally have to be out of our home. There is nothing they can do to us, and if they threaten us, or continue to show up at our house to harrass us, then we can slap an injunction on them.

I am relieved to know that there are some options available to us. We can negotiate to give this house back to them or let them foreclose on us. I didn't want to do the latter because of my credit rating, but now I am considering it simply to give me time to find another place. God will do what God will do, and I am resting in His Sovereignty.

I am also working with a realtor to find another place to live. I would like to find a home close to my current location, and I am trying my best to find something quickly. I am confident that the Lord will provide a good home to me soon.

My son has expressed an interest in changing his college goal from music/ministry to computer programming. I am happy for his change of mind because he is really, really good at programming. I think he could be financially well-set, so I am very pleased. Also, this is a degree that he could complete through the UOPX, and since we get family discounts, this would mean he could go there for little out of pocket expense (PTL!) He has to make up his mind, though, and I know he will in time. Right now, he needs to get his head in gear and start thinking about school beginning on Monday. He needs to get in the game, and keep his grades up to be able to do this kind of work. I know he can do it, but he is being pulled in other directions right now. I am praying for the Grace of God to settle him in this decision, and for God's will to be done.

Lastly, I have decided that among everything else on my plate right now, I will need to buy another car by the year's end. I have to get an automatic car with better highway comfort. My little car is great on gas, but it blows all over the freeway, and I need something a little bit heavier to keep me grounded. Plus my son needs a car, and my little KIA would be perfect for his needs. God knows what is best, so I am trusting Him to provide everything we need today. Amen, so be it, thy will be done!

Wrap Up

2011-08-12T19:48:00.002-07:00

Well, I am finished officially with my training and assessments at the University of Phoenix. It has been three very long and hard weeks of study, and I am happy to report that I passed all my certification exams! I also got to meet my new manager, and I found out a bit more about my new job (location, team members, etc.). I am very excited to start working with students, and to finally get to setup my desk. I may need to do some shopping before Monday, just to pick up some fun things for my cubby. I can add a plant, and decorate the inside of my space the way I like it. I am blessed, so very blessed. God is so very good to me.

On other fronts (can there be more than one front -- I guess so -- I remember my WWII history!!), I am waiting to find out what the Lord has in mind for my home. As of today, I know the following:

I am gainfully employed, having received my very first real FT paycheck (it's been 20 years) today
I have the schedule of His choosing, M-F from 6-3
I am in the region and product of His choosing as well -- Northeast and Healthcare/Nursing
I am ready to embark on my new career, and I am excited to be on my way finally to new places, new opportunities, and new ways of learning
I am content to wait for the Lord to bring me everything I need to move forward
I know that His will is done, and that my life is following His plan as He has perfected it
I am so good, and I love that He is Good -- together everything is GOOD!

There are still some pretty big unknowns right now, but generally, they are items that I cannot control anyway. I am content to let things be, to let God do what God wants to do, and to rest in His provision and care. I know EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT FOR MY GOOD, AND HIS WILL, AND HIS GOOD PLEASURE. I am happy, I am blessed, and I am so very, very, very content.

Dear Lord,

I am resting in your care, and trusting in your Name. I know you will lead me through the coming weeks, and you will change my life to suit your plans and your will. I am content for this to be, so I let it go right now. I let go of everything, and I lay back in your arms of strength, and I rejoice in the knowledge that You are God alone. May your Name be praised forever more! Amen, so be it, thy will be done! God is so very Good to me! Praise be to God.

Praying for Rain

2011-08-06T08:51:00.003-07:00

I finished Week Two of my training at the University of Phoenix. I passed my examination (97% whoohoo!), and I am now set to begin my Week Three training in Products (Programs). These past two weeks have been incredibly difficult on me. Firstly, there is just so much new information to learn, and secondly, I am in the process of wrapping up my summer school through Mercy College. My brain is over-stuffed with compliance, policy, ADA, FERPA, and all those wonderful acronyms used in college and universities! The good news is that I am more confident that I can do my job well. I don't know everything, but I am far more comfortable with the procedures and the overall flow -- process through the computer systems and such.

Last night, as I was driving home, I was so glad to be done with my training for the week. I knew that I had to get home quickly, eat dinner, and then work on finishing up my major paper for my Medieval Literature course. My paper was due yesterday evening. I have not submitted it -- I am in the process of doing that today. My Professor is pretty good about accepting a late paper, so my hope is that he will be kind to me this time around. I have had so much on my plate this summer -- finishing my work at Macy's, starting a new job at University of Phoenix, school, life, etc. I am so close to finishing and then enjoying my three weeks off from school -- the very last thing I need now is another wrench in the gears!

Well, that wrench has been thrown into the gears of my life. I arrived home last night, bushed and beaten -- oh so weary -- and I discovered an email from our note holder (on our home). We have already received our loan documents, and we already knew we had until the 31st to come up with some plan of action (refinance, sell or pay off personally). Our note holder wants us out, and we were discussing options. The email, however, was a threat -- which is how our note holder (a private couple) like to do business. I read the email and at first was immediately inflamed over it. I mean, it is business as usual, so really I shouldn't be upset. I was angry, partly because I was tired from work, and partly because I had so much home work to finish. The email asked if we had "vacated the premises" yet. Ok, so really -- we have until the 31st to submit our papers back to them, and they want us out now! It is their way of getting what they want, and I am fed up with it.

My DH was very upset as well, but he is probably more upset at me for refusing to refinance this house. The problem which he cannot see is that I cannot qualify for refinancing now. He says he has someone with whom I could work to get a loan -- I know this will not happen. My credit score is fair, and I have no proof of income yet. My first paycheck will not be until the 12th and the second, until the 24th. I have little extra cash, and he has none. Refinancing is not the option, at the least, considering the amount of work needed on this home. No one -- no lender, government or other, will refinance us.

I spent the evening working on my paper, and I tried very hard not to think about that email. I personally do not like the people who hold our note. I have never liked them, and I have never trusted them. I feel they are the kind of people who only think about themselves, and who will resort to threats to get what they want. I have lived in fear of these people -- calling my home, showing up at my door -- for 12 years. I have had enough, and I want out.

So, I get up this morning, content to work on my paper and get it submitted early. I get a phone call from my Mom (always), and I have to rehash the whole email with her. My father is furious because he is worried we are getting shafted (well, we are, but there you go). He wants a lawyer to review the papers before we do anything at all. I did have the loan papers reviewed -- and they were straightforward. The note holder wants to transfer the deed back to them, so in effect, they want us to walk away from the home without foreclosing. I see this as a positive thing, but my DH sees it negatively. I guess it is a glass half-empty scenario. It all depends on how you look at things.

I sit here today thinking to myself -- what in the world is happening to me? I mean, I finally have a really good job. I finally have the beginnings of a new life. My DH is stuck, for certain, because he is not making enough money to live on his own, pay his car payment or do anything else. He is wholly dependent on me. I am the only one with credit, and I am the one with a good paying job. I guess this means that I can call the shots. However, I am not really calling the shots at all. I am trusting the Lord, believing in faith that He will provide another home for us to live in. I know God is sufficient, and He can meet all my needs.

Last evening, after I calmed down some, the Lord showed me a very nice home for rent. It is close to PVCC (church) and PVCC (college), and my parents. It is also close to the 51 (highway) so my commute to work is only 5-minutes longer. The rent is high, but the deposit is less than in some other homes. They will also accept cats, and I have two, so that is a very big deal. The house is large enough to accomodate us all, and it is in very nice condition (as if that really matters right now -- well, it does -- but in the light of eternity, a house is just a house). I am ready to go, so ready to leave my old life, and I am tired, so very tired of all the hassles, the upsets, and the tension. I crave peace, and I need peace now.

My DH is not happy with me, as I said before. I cannot continue to do things his way, and he knows it. I am walking my own way, and I am going in my own direction. That direction is away from him, and is soley focused on the Lord. I trust God, and right now, He is my LIFELINE. There is no one else who will help me, no one else who has my "back," and no one else standing in the gap for me. I am alone, yet I am fully ensconced in His presence, and I am safe. I know this, and I am assured that He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. I am safe, and while the waters are testy and turbulent now, I see calm seas ahead of me. I have to ride this storm out and then everything will be good. I can see it over there, on the horizon, and I know everything will be OK.

Dear Lord,

I am praying for rain just like Elijah did in the OT. Elijah prayed that it wouldn't rain and it didn't. He prayed for rain, and the heavens opened, and it rained and rained and rained. My life is ready to be well-watered, and I need your precious rain to flood over my soul. Help me now, Lord. Help me navigate these dicey and choppy waters. Give me clear sailing so I can find calm seas. I know you are my Guide and my Help, so I pray now that you will lead me safely through this turmoil and into the blessing and peace of your very Presence. I ask this now in Jesus Name! Amen, so be it, thy will be done! Selah!!

Week 2 is Done

2011-08-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

I made it through week two of my training program at the University of Phoenix. Tomorrow, I will take my assessment exam (hoping to pass with 80%), and then will begin Product Training next week. I am a bit undone about the whole process, as I have found it a struggle to learn using their Adult Learning Module. I am a non-traditional student, but I have only experience in traditional school environments. I find it very hard to learn collaboratively, and I prefer to learn independently and soley through my own processes. I simply do not learn well within a group environment. I realize that group learning is the model for the 21st century, but I believe that people learn differently, and as such, not everyone learns best this way. Oh well...not much I can do about it other than let this be and trust the Lord that this will not hinder me at all.

One thing that has become clear to me is that I prefer a certain type of learning environment, and this makes it pretty clear to me that I prefer traditional formats. Therefore, although I would get a great discount on education at UOPX, I believe that I would do better at Regent University. I know that Regent's PhD program is the one the Lord has had in mind for me since the beginning of this whole process, so I am now more committed to completing this program once I graduate from Mercy next Spring.

I am letting this all be now, and I am trusting the Lord to guide me through the last week of training and on into my new job. I know that this is the Lord's will, and that His will is perfect. I am leaning on Him and I am relying on Him for His Provision and Grace. God is so very Good to me!

Week One of Training

2011-07-30T06:33:00.000-07:00

I finished up my first week of training as an Online Enrollment Advisor for the University of Phoenix. It was a very long week -- five (8) eight hour days of non-stop information downloads. There were frequent breaks and a lot of laughs, but still, it was hard to sit and concentrate for that long of a day. My brain hurts! LOL!

Overall, the week has been good. I have learned a lot about UOPX and I have come to see their innovation and unique delivery of course content in a good light. As an online graduate student at another college, I really see the value in their model and learning technology. My system at Mercy College is OLD and not user-friendly. I also am not impressed with the style of learning, though it is tough, it is not as stable from one course to the next. Each Professor can do what they want and structure the course as they see fit. At UOPX, the faculty follow more strict guidelines to course content and all must maintain a minimum standard for participation.

I have also learned that as of last September, there is no longer any incentive tied to enrollment. This means that EA's (my position) are no longer required to enroll students to receive compensation. The emphasis throughout the University has changed, top down, so that students now are priority, and their satisfaction on whether to attend is solely up to them. I like this change, and I know that it makes good sense. I wouldn't want to be pressured into attending a college, and I think the decision should be left up to me.

I found out that at many colleges, especially those with online programs, the advisors often are in a sales-position where they have to make quotas to receive salary and bonuses, etc. Apparently, this was fairly consistent industry wide. I am glad that UOPX, which is the nation's largest private University, decided to change the way it treats incoming students.

As I move through my training course, I know that I will be well-prepared for my job. I do think they provide excellent training, and that I will be ready to begin working with students. I am excited for this opportunity, and also for the priviledge to work for this University.

I'm Gonna Be Alright

2011-07-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of my new work life! I am no longer an employee of Macy's (PTL!) and while I don't mean to sound harsh over that fact (as if Macy's were the devil, kwim?), it is just that I am so very pleased to be moving on right now. Macy's was my transition phase, it was the in-between job to help me stay focused and relaxed until the Lord provided the job of His choosing. I didn't expect to be there a year, but so be it, it was what it was. I am now free to move on to the next job, and I am excited to get started down that path.

Tomorrow is my BIG DAY, and I am really anxious about the commute. I made it there for the interview in 20 minutes, and my heart/gut says that will be normal for me. Of course, that was at noon, and not during the morning rush. However, I am going there early tomorrow so I won't be late for my first day. On my regular schedule, I will work from 6-3 each day, so really the commute shouldn't be any issue for me.

As I sit here today, I am thanking God for His Marvelous Provision of this job. It is good practical work -- something I have been asking Him to provide to me for nearly two years. Yes, Macy's was good practical work too, but this is full-time, and it comes with salary and benefits, so I am really blessed. I am happy to know that very soon, within the month, I will have steady income that is enough to cover all my expenses. I will pay my mortgage on time, and I will pay the utility bills in full (and not in partial payments). I will have some money left over each month, and I can manage it well. I am so blessed, and God is so very GOOD to me.

Sometimes I worry though, and sometimes I wonder how it will all work together for my good. God's Word tells us that He is working through us to bring about His Good in our lives, and as such, we are to rest in His Work, to know that He is able to perform whatever is necessary for His Good. I believe this, I know this is true, and I have experienced testimony that reminds me that God was faithful yesterday, today, and He will be faithful tomorrow. I believe in God, and I know His Word to me is true.

So as I move forward today, and into tomorrow, I am thanking Him for His Goodness to me. I am praising His Name because it is Good to do so. I know that my life is in order, and that the plans God has for me are coming to pass. I am good because God is Good, and He is Good to me.

God's Will is Done

2011-07-23T18:07:00.005-07:00

Macy's is done. I finished my last shift today, and I left with my head held high, and my heart in tact. I had a good day, albeit a very long day, but it was good. I made my goal for the last time, and I opened one credit application. I ended my year long employment on a very high note.

As I was leaving, I received all sorts of well wishes from my co-workers. Even the store manager said good bye, which was very nice of her to do so. I was pleased with the way things ended, with my day, and with everything I accomplished there.

At Macy's, I learned about retail customer service. It is a different kind of customer service, the sort of grist mill type, whereby the customer is served as quickly and effeciently as possible. It is not the kind of service I am used to giving -- the long term relationship kind. It is more of a "here you go, thanks for coming, and I hope you have a great day" kind. The customer pretty much runs the show when it comes to retail. The customer can be happy or sad, helpful or not, or agreeable/disagreeable. The sales associate gets whatever flavor of customer there is on a given day, and may or may not have any chance of improving their attitude or temperament. The customer calls the shots, and can demand what they want from the store. The associate has little authority, and relies on managers to intervene. Generally, most customers are congenial, and most associates helpful and friendly. The support is mutual, and it is short-lived. I may not see the same customers I saw today ever again. I get one shot to please them, and one hope of getting that sale. It is a hard kind of work, hard to make goals, hard to do the tasks, and hard to find any sense of real accomplishment. It is tough, really tough, and I am glad I got to experience it in between my own business and my next job at the University of Phoenix.

My view is sharply in focus, and I am keenly aware of what it means to give good service. I have had to do the hard work, the dirty work, and the "no thanks" work for almost one year. I am ready to step it up a notch, and get back into delivering the kind of service I think really merits the name, CUSTOMER SERVICE. My hope is that my new job will enable me to polish my skills, and develop the type of outlook that helps me to give this kind of support to the students I am assigned to advise. I hope it works out as I think, but I am open to examining new ways, and experience new avenues of support and service.

It was a weird feeling today, to work in the Petites department for the very last time. I have worked 95% of my shifts in this department. I enjoy my co-workers here, and I know the department and the regular customers well. I am blessed, and it was eery for me to look out and realize that I will never work here again. My supervisor, manager, and the store manager, invited me to come back at Christmas and work the holidays. It was kind of them, but I cannot think that I will do it. I will shop there, of course, but I don't think I want to work retail ever again (Lord willing).

I am so ready to move on, to move on with my life, and to begin this process of becoming what God has in mind for me. I am almost done with my graduate study at Mercy, and I am starting the process of applying to Regent University. I will be working for another University beginning on Monday, so it looks like my career path is clearly fixed in academia. I am pleased with this path, and I know it will provide a good work/career for me. I like being able to say that I work for the University of Phoenix. I like that I can say soon that I am a post-graduate student at Regent University. I am so pleased with this progress, and I want so much to get on with these things, to begin them, and to experience them fully.

My day has come to a close and I am tired. This is the last day that I will be tired -- tired in the sense of weary tired from a long day at Macy's. Sure, I will be tired again, but it will never be like this way. It will never be with swollen feet, and aching back. It will be a different kind of tired, a different kind of weary. God is Good to me, and I know that the plans He has for my life are Good too. I am resting in His plans, and in the security of His provision. I can say that I am content. I am at peace, and I am so very, very happy today.

Hard Light of Reality

2011-07-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

The other day, I received some words of wisdom from my son. DJ will turn 18 in September, and he is one of those really quiet guys who never say much -- until -- until something happens or its the right moment in time, kwim? He is alot like me, introverted and shy. He also tends to prefer quiet activities like spending time reading or doing things on the computer. He does socialize a lot, but his friends are few. He gets overwhelmed by too much stimulus, so he goes out, and then comes back in ready for peace and quiet. He is my boy, and he is my gift from the Lord.

I am struggling this year to let him go. I have prayed over this point, asked for Grace from God, and I have trusted the Lord over and over for his well-being and welfare. But lately, whenever I see a little boy (like at Macy's the other day -- a sweet 6 year old -- my eyes fill up with tears and I barely can hold them back). I was at my music teacher's home on Wednesday, and two of her students, twin boys where there for their lessons. They are 14 or so, and they remind me so much of my son. They play the piano lovely, and they are so gifted and talented. The one boy wrote a piece of music for chamber, and he played it for me. My eyes welled up with tears again -- just thinking about my boy -- about how he used to play music like that, and write complicated pieces for chamber group. He still plays -- and now he is potentially a professional musician, with a chance to be signed by a recording label. Yes, my little boy is all grown up, and I look at him, and my heart longs for the sweet little one I carried, I loved and cuddled, and I taught at home for all those years.

I am so proud of him, and he has turned into a fine young man -- just what I prayed he would become -- and just what I covenanted with God to produce (I gave this boy over to the Lord when he was a baby, and I promised that he would be devoted to the Lord from that point onward). God keeps His promises, and He expects us to keep our vows to Him. My son is a wonderful young man, not perfect, but he is moving with God's Grace and turning into a man of God's own choosing.

So the other day, we were coming home from church, and my boy says something simple, yet profound. I have been honest with him regarding the situation between me and his Dad. He knows what is going on, and while I have tried very hard to NOT make him my confidant, I have wanted to be serious and honest so that he would known and understand the truth. I have also tried very hard not to put his Dad down or tell sordid stories about him. I have been as fair to his Dad as I can, and I have tried to be as kind and compassionate as possible, all the while struggling to keep all three of us under one roof.

My son is a reader, and he is quiet. So when he told me he had begun to read the "Boundaries" book again (Cloud and Townsend), I was surprized by it. He had read it last year, and we discussed it together. I wanted him to read this book to get a better understanding of proper relationships, considering that he is a college student now, and that at some point in the near future, he may choose to enter into a relationship with a young lady. I wanted him to know what is good and bad -- how to watch for unhealthly signs, etc. He read it then, said he learned a lot, but that was it. Since that time, he has completed Pschology 101 at the Community College, and he totally enjoyed that course (getting a very high A to boot). He is very keen on personality, behavior, and the psychological reasons for why people do and behave certain ways.

It should have been no surprize then that he had taken up "Boundaries" again. However, I just wasn't prepared for the way in which he delivered his advice to me. It was too mature, too thoughtful, and too grownup for my weary, and oh so very tired old brain to handle. I wanted to cry again -- just thinking that the person who is giving me such good advice is my little baby boy, my cherished child!

As we drove home from church, he quipped rather abruptly, "Mom, do you want to know what I think about this situation?" He was short with me, and I am sure it is because he is tired of the whole scenario, and he is tired of seeing the two of us, me and his Dad, go round and round all the time. He began with this statement: "Mom, Dad is a boundaryless person, and as such he has no respect for other people's boundaries. He has never had to suffer any consequences, and he is still getting away with behavior that has no consequence to it." I confessed to him that he was indeed correct, his Dad has never had to suffer any consequences because of two people in his life: his mother and me. His mother always rescued him, and throughout the course of our 27 years of marriage, at least 23 of those were helped along through financial contributions by his parents. Moreover, in the last 10-12 years, I have been the bread winner, I have supported him under the guise and thinking that he was self-employed and "working." Now in truth, he was working and he did bring in some money -- how much, I never knew because he never allowed me access to the bank accounts. He took my money that came in, and paid the bills with it. I was never given any money to live on, other than a handout every week or other week to buy groceries. He spent his money and my money as he liked, and then when the bills came due and we couldn't pay them, he went to his mother for a loan. He promised to pay her back, but he never did. He promised me the same, and he never returned anything. He has promised his son -- and he has never kept that promise either.

My son continued and said to me, "Mom, I know this sounds mean, but it really isn't mean at all. This is for Dad's good. He cannot be allowed to continue to live without consequences. He has to take responsibility for his life. If he cannot pay for his car, then he will lose his car. If his bank account is overdrawn, then he will have to earn more money to fix that problem himself. If he cannot pay for a home, then he will be homeless." Yes, Dear Son -- you are wise beyond your years.

I sat there and all I could say is "Yes, you are right." I got out of the car and walked into the house, thinking all the way, "oh, how I have enabled David (my DH) all these years." I have made excuses for him, and I have stood by him. I am still making excuses, though I am less inclined to do that now. I pray, "Lord, I don't want to be the one to walk away, to tell him I am leaving." I don't want to see him homeless, living in his car, etc. Yes, I don't want to be mean, but as my son rightly stated, "It is for Dad's good."

My husband is 53, and he has lived his life off the good graces of other people. His business earns zero income, but he says it has potential to earn plenty. He has no money for gas, for food or to pay expenses, but there is hope that "next week" he will have money. The problem with this kind of behavior is that it is so far removed from reality, so far removed from the hard line and light of every day living. You cannot eat promises, and you cannot put "next weeks potential earnings" into your gas tank. To live this way, you must rely on someone else for your welfare. Some one else must foot the bill, pay the expenses, so that you can have the luxury of waiting. My husband has been waiting for 24 years for his business to be successful. At best he made a meager living, not consistently, and without my help, my parent's help, and his parent's help -- he cannot make it each week or month.

This was not always the case. When I married him, he had a good job working in Sales for a major magazine. He made $40-48K per year. He then left that job to work for the SJ Business Journal, and in time was promoted to the Sales Director. He made close to $60k back then. That was in the early 1980's, but the potential for earning was well in hand. I worked for a pittance back then -- but I still worked. I calculated once that in 1985, we earned about $60k per year. By 1988, we were making closer to $100k.

The problem was that even back then, I never saw any of my own money. To make matters worse, we never had any money saved, and we had collectors calling us for unpaid debts. I didn't have any debt when we married, and my husband only had a school loan. Yet, within three years of our marriage, we were in debt, with collectors calling my workplace to demand payment. I was shocked and horrified that this was taking place, and I cried every night, and I begged my husband to take care of it. He did nothing, so for years, I lived in fear of being arrested for unpaid debts.

I think I understand it now, and I think I finally get what happened. Sometime in 1988, my husband was fired from his job. I don't know the reasons for it, I was just told there was a changeover in management, and everyone was being let go. It may have been true because there were a number of people who were let go at the same time as my husband. After this blow, he struggled to find work. He eventually started to sell promotional products, and then he started his own business. I continued to work long hours, and we lived on my salary. At this time, my husband began to hide regularly, and by that I mean, he started to take a very conservative approach to politics, saying that the government had no right to our money or to assess taxes. He stopped paying taxes then, and I think subconciously began to strategize how he could live on the least amount of money so that he could remain under the government's radar.

The debt collectors never went away, but he seemed to never have any money. The money came in -- I know it did -- but when I asked him, he would say, "I paid some bills with it." Our bills, so to speak, were paid sporadically, sometimes in full, sometimes in partial, and sometimes not at all. Our phone, our gas, our electricity -- all -- were shut off time and time again. I worked so hard back then, and I never understood how we got into so much debt. When I would ask, he would say we weren't in debt at all. We had no debt. I never understood that, and when I said "what about so and so," he would just wave to me and say it was a mistake or something like that.

Back to my son, and his words of wisdom. Yes, I admit that my innocence and the fact that I had little financial experience led me to take on the role of "Mother" to my husband. I thought it was what a good Christian wife should do. I was his help-meet, and by that, it meant that I was to support his vision and dream for financial success. My husband latched onto every single "get rich scheme" that was advertised on TV. Nothing ever worked -- it was just money wasted. He could have been seeking sales work, and righting the damaged horse, so to speak, but instead he wanted to be a millionaire. I complained, I cried, and eventually, I gave in and took the submissive role of wife, of mother, and of financial supporter.

In my years of marriage, I literally supported us on whatever I could earn. I raised my child, home educated him on a shoe string, and I supported a husband who still controlled every penny I earned. He never made good decisions with our money. And even today, I see that whatever he does earn, he spends on food -- lunches out or breakfast with a "supposed client." He spends $40-60 a week on client meals, and none of these clients pay him anything at all. He has NO CLIENTS.

He told me today that we would be back at 10 for a "webinar." This is his way of seeking work. He will watch some seminar on the computer, take notes on how to make it big or how to be a better sales person, etc. Yet, he will not go out to work. He told his son that a JOB really meant "JUST OVER BROKE." What is that all about? My JOB will pay me enough income to keep my head afloat, plus provide a very nice home for us to live in. Additionally, it will cover health insurance, and it will allow me to save money for emergencies. I will not be JUST OVER BROKE. My husband is BROKEN. His mentality and his belief system is broken. He is not seeking God's will for his life nor is he following after any wisdom associated with the Lord. He is still following the world's system, and world beliefs that are telling him it is better to try and fail, than to do any kind of work where he could succeed.

Is my husband a boundaryless person? Absolutely. Am I an enabler -- Yes, I am. I am still in the role of mother, and I am still providing for his care. I buy his medicine, I buy him food. I go to Walmart to buy what he needs. He contributes sporadically, telling me that he "hopes to have some money next week." The money doesn't come, of course, and I foot the bill. I have footed the bill for too long, and now I am at the point where I don't want to do it anymore. I want to be free, to be free from all the fantasy, the lies, and the make-believe "what ifs" that surround my husband. And while he needs to see the hard light of reality, the truth is that I need to see it too. I need to accept the truth of this life, and that truth is that for the past 24 years, I have served only to continue to shelter and absolve my husband of every mistake, every error, and every bad action. I have suffered, I have taken his punishment, and I have lived as a victim of another person's bad choices. I chose it, I remained in it, and I am still doing it to some extent. I see it now, and I understand that I will have to do the dirty, the hard, the mean, and the devastatingly simple thing -- I will have to say NO to my husband, mean it, and then walk away.

Dear Lord,

You have given DJ great wisdom and the kind of attitude that is so common in children. He is upset at me for being kind to his Dad, for showing him Grace. I understand this now, and I know that I have enabled David to continue to live this way, and therefore, the problems, the failure is really mine. Yes, he has made bad choices, but had I not stepped in to save him, my life would have been better in the long run. He perhaps would have changed as a result of those negative consequences. I stopped the pain, and I am still stopping the pain. I can no longer be the one to save him, to take on his burdens, and to pay for all his errors. I have learned how to listen to you, and I have committed my way to following after you. I cannot carry him any longer. He is a grown man, able to do good work -- so let him work, let him find his own life, and let him take responsibility for himself. I walk on, I walk alone, and I follow after you. I cannot go where you are sending me and carry a grown up baby with me. It is time to remove him from the breast, so to speak, and let him seek solid food. My prayer is that he will turn, return to you, and seek you once again. I pray that he will get help, and that he will learn how to live on his own terms, no longer using people, and relying on them for his care and welfare. Thank you, Jesus, for this lesson in reality. I ask now for the Grace to walk away, and for the strength (in Jesus) to do the good, the right, and the best thing. May your Name be praised now and forever more. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!

Living in Peace

2011-07-21T10:31:00.002-07:00

This morning I woke up with such an aching back. I know the cause, and I know what I did to irritate it, but still, the pain was pretty awful. It is getting better the more I move around, and I know that once I get into the shower, it will feel much better (that and some Advil will help most). My aches and pains are always with me, and they are the "normal" in my life. I guess it is part and parcel with getting older, and I am used to them. I wish they were not here, and I wish I felt better all the time, but I know that my weak body, and some of the issues with it, are here for the duration of my life. Still, the thought of great health at my age is pleasant. I would like to know I could hike a mountain or take a very long swim. I wish I could ski or boat or do any number of things I used to do when I was younger. Now, I am settled, and my bones and muscles disagree on what they are willing to do each day. Just getting up, and just living is enough for me. Praise be to God who sustains me -- He is always so Good to me!

After my coffee and checking of email, I went out into the kitchen/dining area and found a load of laundry setting on a chair. It had been removed from the dryer, and was in need of folding. The one who had removed it, left it there, apparently intending on returning to it at a later time (for the folding part). I normally do the laundry, and I almost always do the folding. I don't mind, really. I have been doing laundry and folding since I was a little girl. My mother put me to doing the laundry when I was about 8 years of age. I sometimes got to do the entire process, but mostly, I was ask to fold the clothes for her. I actually enjoy folding clothing. It is like washing dishes -- a time of quiet solitude when your mind can relax and just be. I like that peace that comes to you when you are doing repetive tasks. I thank God that He has given me good work to do, and that in that work, I can enjoy the quiet and peace of contemplation. He is Good!

As I folded the laundry, the person who was going to do the folding came by and told me that "they were going to do it." I didn't mind doing it, but in my head, this little voice said, "Yeah right -- going to and doing it are two different things!" Argh! Here I was thinking about God, folding laundry and minding my own business when this prick of pride rose up within me. It didn't matter who folded the clothes, just so long as they were folded. Yet, inside of me, I felt put upon, taken advantage of, and that my goodness and charity were being used by someone else (as in "If I leave this here, Carol will fold the clothes -- she always folds the clothes!")

Then just as quickly as the words came to my head, I thought to myself, "Oh, Lord, I don't want to think that at all. I don't need to be right anymore." The more I thought about those words, the more I realized that being right was synonomous with being RIGHTEOUS. When you need to be right, you are living under the sin of pride. Pride says, "I am best, I know best, my way is right." I started to think about those words, and the more I did, the more I realized that I don't need to be right anymore. I have no righteousness of my own, and my only claim is that I live through the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF CHRIST. I live because Christ lives in me. His work, His blood, His atonement is what makes me RIGHT in God's eyes. It is not about me, it is all about Him.

These past months have been a humbling experience for me. I have learned how to serve, and how to work in places and jobs that were pretty thankless. The work was hard, and the suffering great, but the job was necessary, and I did it. Now I recognize what a blessing it is to be able to work for oneself (whether at home or for someone else). The ability to work, the ability to do things, anything is a God-given blessing. I am able to work, and I enjoy working. I like making money, most certainly, but I also enjoy the process of working. God designed us to move, and to work, and when we do both, we are using our bodies in the most natural way. However, some people choose not to work, and believe that they are entitled to receive help and care from other people. God's Word tells us that the person who doesn't work, shouldn't eat. It is clear that we are to work as long as we are able, and in doing so, God will use our work to honor Him, and to bring us provision.

The need to be right in everything, whether it is in relationship, work or even in spiritual thinking suggests that our way is more important than His way. God's way always trumps ours, and if we submit to it, then we will receive blessing upon blessing. I have come to learn that His way is Good, and for the most part, it is easy. Though the plow requires much effort, the result is a well-furrowed field. God doesn't promise us easy work, just that the burden of that work will be easy on us. This is what Christ meant when He said that His Yoke was easy and His burden light. The work, the physical nature of the work may be difficult, and even at times, overwhelming to us -- but the yoke of bondage (as in being a bondservant of Jesus Christ) will enable us to do the job, to complete the task. The burden placed on us is light -- it is not heavy or so hard to carry that we cannot do what God asks us to do.

I have found this to be true. The burden I carry now is very light. Even though I am faced with the responsibility of living and caring for myself and my almost grown son, I find the burden easier to bear -- than when I was married, and trusting in my husband to provide for us. It was not that looking to a husband was wrong or a bad thing; no, not at all. Rather it was that when I was looking to a person for provision, I often struggled and stressed over the provision itself. Plus, there was no blessing coming to us and the work was grueling and provided little support for our family. Now that I am under the blessing of God, the provision comes easily, and the stress and strain are gone. I am no longer worried about the money or the bills. I admit that I still am concerned and that at times I have to remind myself that God is my provider -- but generally, I am able to let things go, to rest and relax, and to trust God to do what He does best.

This peace that comes to us is a gift of Jesus Christ. I have peace within myself, with my God, and with the world (as much as it is possible). I still struggle, and I still suffer pain due to work (the physical aspects of it), but I am no longer straining to go my way, pulling against the yoke to have it all. Instead, I walk alongside the Master, and the yoke fits me well. The burden I pull is being shared, and it is light.

Therefore, with the laundry neatly folded, I made the decision to let go of my pride, and to stop (READ STOP) the need to be right all the time. I have decided that the only person who is right is God, and that He has a right to be RIGHT, if you know what I mean. Who can stand up against God? I mean, really? Are you better than God, do you know more than God, is your way superior to His way? Nope, not at all. I realized that even wanting to be right with people is pridefulness. You see, God is RIGHT all the time. He has made me RIGHT (in Christ's redemptive work), and as a result everything in my life is now RIGHT as He determines. So what do I need to be right about any more? Is there some person I must prove wrong? Must I demonstrate my smartness, my craftiness, my cunning to be approved? Certainly not! There is no one in the world who will approve me as much as My Father who has already APPROVED me. If God has said, "You are good," then are we not GOOD indeed? Truthfully, what more can be said of us, if the very Lord Himself has said, "You are Good." You see, it is our pride that thinks we need the approval of men, when in reality the only approval we need is God's approval. I am approved today, not on my own merit, but on the merit of Jesus Christ. Therefore, it is done -- there is nothing more to be added to Christ's death, burial and ressurection. It is complete -- it is finished. I am APPROVED.

Now that I understand the depth of this sentence, I see clearly how pride attempts to pull me away from the approval of God. Pride still lingers in my flesh, and as such, it doesn't like being told NO. It wants YES all the time, and it wars with my Spirit and the FACT THAT I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED IN CHRIST JESUS. It wants to assert itself again, to attempt to take back that yoke, but God says, "No, you cannot have it back." I don't want to go back under that yoke of bondage to pride. I want to rest in the security and blessing of His Peace.

As I close this blog post, I thank the Lord for His Mercy in showing me the death of my pride. I know that as long as my flesh lives, there will be a remnant of pride within me. However, that remnant has been made void and inert -- it cannot function unless I empower it to do so. If I live fully surrendered to Christ, that leftover pridefulness will lay idle within me until the day when I stand before the Lord and I am transformed by His Glory. My role now is to remain fully surrendered, and to let all those fleshly desires lay dormant until the day of Christ. I can do this, not of my own will, but of the Holy Spirit's power and the effectiveness of the Blood.

Thank you Jesus for your Marvelous Blood, and for the cleansing power it affords. Have your way today, and allow me the blessing of living in your Peace from this day forward. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!

Tomorrow and then the Day After

2011-07-20T09:51:00.001-07:00

It is going to be another hot and sticky day in Phoenix. Yesterday, it felt like an oven outside. We got no rain, and not even any dust. The day before, we had a good dust storm, but no rain. This is typical monsoon season for us. It is feast or famine when it comes to the rain. Some places will get rain, some just get dust. Ugh!

I woke up today, and realized that I was out of coffee. I thought it would be Ok, but after I got up and moving, I KNEW, just KNEW I needed coffee. So I threw on some clothes and drove over to Fry's. I ended up getting gas (at their pumps), putting air in my back tired (reminder -- take the car to the shop BEFORE you drive to Tempe next week!), and donuts. They usually have really good creme filled ones, but I must have picked one that was missing the creme! Bummer -- I mean, if you are going to eat a creme-filled donut, it better have CREME in it! Oh well, the chocolate on top was very messy and gooey, and the coffee was nice and strong. It all worked out in the end, and now I am totally satisfied for the morning.

I had some strange dreams last night, really weird ones (with bugs), and I ended as the fair damsel in a eerily similar Robert Louis Stevenson novel (LOL! - thinking "Robinson Crusoe"). I woke up thinking, "what in the world is going on here?" I mean, I am almost 49 years of age, and here I am dreaming about being a 20-something girl cast away at sea, and landing/living on a deserted island. That is just too weird for me (though I do love the beach, and I do have a "thing" for the whole island/castaway dreamscape). It was fun, and it was odd -- so there you go! I came back to the real world and found myself without coffee, and then made the decision to go and get some (read above).

Now, I am sitting at my computer, blogging, and planning my day. I have school work to do, reading to start/finish, and some writing to do. I also work at Macy's this evening (#2 of #3 times left). I am not looking forward to going there, but I have to say that everyone has been overly nice to me. My managers have been very kind and genuinely friendly to me. Perhaps it is because they see me as more than an Associate now. Perhaps I am a loyal Macy's customer or just perhaps I am a real person to them. I would hope it is all of the above because I have worked my little tail off at that place. I am tired, and I don't want to pick up bathing suits anymore (last night, one young girl left two-three dozen suits laying inside-out on the floor). I am tired of picking up messes, and dusting, and cleaning, and doing everything to keep the department clean. I am ready for my new job to begin, and for more mental challenge. My prayer is that I am able to learn the system, the policies, and the procedures, and get working right away. I know I can do this, and I know this job is of His hand. I am well-set now. I am so well-set.

Lastly, as I ponder today, I am so thankful for yesterday. I really wasn't too thrilled about yesterday at all, and I had a bad attitude all day. My son was part of the issue, and I was bent on seeing to it that he made his way straight. I actually ended up confessing my sin to the Lord, and asking for forgiveness because I was trying to control something no longer under my control. It worked out OK, and everything came off as it should have (sans the attitude). God is Good that way, and I am thankful for His steady hand. My son and I were able to accomplish several things -- getting his school money in order (PTL!), switching his banking from teen to College (which means he is a 'real' consumer now), getting his laundry done (he did it!), and vacuuming the hair off his floor (his hair, too long -- and he vacuumed). I was pleased, and God was Good to help me keep my cool through it all. God -- always COOL; me, sometimes -- but mostly NOT! Oh, I am so glad God loves me as I am!! PTL!!

So there is my life in a nutshell. I hope to get my school work caught up, and then pass cello (no practice this week -- too many things, still with a strained thumb), and then off to Macy's for the second to last time *ever*, Lord willing. God is receiving the praise today for He is worthy, and He is so GOOD!

I Am Almost Home

2011-07-18T14:45:00.001-07:00

I survived Macy's One Day Sale, and the day after (Sunday)! I am so sore and tired, but I made it. I am now on the count down to my last day (this Saturday). I am praising God for His Marvelous Wisdom and His Goodness towards me. God is Good all the time -- All the time, God is Good!

As I rest today, I am thinking about how far I have come over the past months. I am now a full-time working woman! PTL! I am also financially solvent, though my accounts are pretty low, I am in the black, and I have money in savings (another shout out to the Lord for His Financial help!!) My car is paid for, and my schooling is set through the end of Spring 2012 (thanks to Financial Aid -- I am assured that I will graduate!) My son's schooling is also set, and with a academic scholarship, this means he can get his AA for free! God is SO GOOD!

While my body is sore, and I still worry and fret over the small details, generally speaking, I am trusting the Lord more and more each new day. I know He is God, and as God, He is able to do whatever needs doing in my life. He is able to make this come to pass, and bring me through to the end per His will and desires. I am blessed, so very blessed.

One of the things I haven't quite figured out is how He will do it. I know with my new job, finances are in order, and I will have enough to pay my bills and live modestly each month. I also have my credit in check, and I am slowly building my credit back to where it needs to be. I still don't know how I will leave this home (sell it) or when I will apply for the next one. I am hoping that I can move by next month. It all depends on my being able to do it, and I have to trust the Lord for His Provision of the money to move out of this home. I know this is His will, so I am letting it be, letting go of the worry. If it is what He wants, so be it.

May God be Praised today and forever more! Amen, so be it, thy will be done! Selah!

The Day of the Lord

2011-07-15T11:02:00.004-07:00

WOW! I am so excited today. I cannot really put my finger on the exact cause of the excitement, but I feel as though good things are about to happen for me. First of all, I am getting closer to beginning my new job (PTL!) and secondly, I am almost finished with my days at Macy's. I am at the BIG ONE DAY event sale, which means I will be working tonight-Sunday. I am not looking forward to the pain, but the Lord surely will give me the strength to see this weekend through to the end. After this weekend, I have one more week, and then I begin my new job. God is so very Good to me!

I am also greatly enjoying my new phone. I have gotten all my music loaded now, so it is both phone and mp3 player. In addition, I have my wi-fi setup so I can use my phone as a mini-laptop. I cannot do everything I would on a laptop, but I certainly can check email, facebook, and find maps, etc. I can also read the news, and stay on top of important events. I like that I can carry it with me, see the world and all it's happenings, and still be free and unencumbered with a full laptop. I also like that I can read the Bible on my phone or listen to one of the "Great Voices" read it to me. There is so much I can do with this little phone, and I am thanking God today for its provision.

As I ponder this day, I am convinced of God's faithfulness and His truth to me. I see His Hand upon my life, and I am experiencing His Grace daily. I am living fully within the boundaries of His Will, and I am blessed, I am so very blessed. My God is GREAT and I give Him all the Praise today. There is nothing I lack, nothing I need, and nothing I am worried or concerned about this day. God is my Provider; He is my High Tower. I am saved, I am free, and I am loved -- can there be anything better than these three things? I think not --

Praise to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit -- Three in One! Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah! (Pause and calmly think about that!!)

Sensing His Presence

2011-07-14T12:16:00.002-07:00

I woke up today to an aching back and swollen feet! I am counting down the days until I leave Macy's, and I am thanking the Lord for His protection over me (Jehovah-Jireh -- the Lord is my Provision). I had a really tough shift last evening, working in the big Impulse department by myself. There was another associate in Denim (next door and part of Impulse), but she only came over once during the evening. Normally, both associates work together so that the one at the Impulse register isn't overwhelmed. This person was new, and obviously didn't understand that she had to work the entire department. Oh well!

As I was starting my shift, I went upstairs to the office to get my water bottle filled, and I received the nicest compliments from two of my co-workers. The one, my direct supervisor, and the other a sweet lady who works in the office, said that I brought something to Macy's that no one else had. They couldn't quite put their finger on it -- as in saying -- "we cannot really say what it is, but you have something different from everyone else!" Yes! Praise be to Jesus, my light and His Glory has shown in the departments of Macy's. Even with all my grumbling, and there were days when I grumbled out loud, my Light (Jesus) shined in this place. Both said how sad they were to see me go, but they wished me well. I left laughing, trying to make a joke about my age, and saying I was "seasoned" and that this was why I didn't get upset with customers, etc. Truthfully, I give all the praise to God, and I did get upset with customers often. I just hid it under His Grace, and praise be to God, no one really saw it!

I sit here today and I am thanking God for the provision of Macy's. It was almost one year ago today when I applied to Macy's. I was desperate, and I wanted to work so badly. I had already applied to a number of jobs, but I was not sure what the Lord wanted me to do. I wanted to work, but I was still being in control of the kind of work I did. The Lord opened the door for me at Macy's, and while it wasn't a good fit physically, and I have suffered much from my time there, I have learned a wonderful lesson in humility. I have learned that work is work, and that regardless of the labor, we are to work unto the Lord. Therefore, whether I am a Macy's employee or a University of Phoenix employee, it is always God who does the providing. He is the enabler, and the annoiter, and it is only through His Grace, that we can do anything at all. If I look to my hand, I fall; but, if I remain resolved to look only to His Hand, then I soar higher than the eagle. God is always, always to receive our praise and honor. There is nothing we can take credit for or glory in that He is not directly responsible for in our lives.

In this way, I am able now to go to the next job and regardless of the work expected, say to Him, "Gracious God, grant me the ability to do this job well and to bring you honor." I cannot do it, I cannot even attempt to do it well. I can trust Him, and He will do it through me. I am thanking my God that this is His Way, and that by yielding to it, and being agreeable and willing to allow Him to move through me, I can succeed, I can grow, and I can accomplish His will. I love the Lord most of all, and because of His Mercy and Grace, I am able to do all things. It is only through the resurrection life of my Lord, Jesus Christ, that I can stand today, sit here and blog, and consider tomorrow -- all with an upbeat attitude, a willing heart, and a desire to GO -- to follow after Him. No matter how my feet hurt today, I will walk on after Him. I will follow where ever He leads me to go. Praise be to God, Glory to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit -- forever, and ever. Amen. So be it, thy will be done. Selah!

Update: Housing and Other Stuff

I am resolved to move from this house and into a rental unit. I have prayed over this and believe that this is the Lord's provision for me. I have had some interest in a mortgage, but I do not believe the Lord desires me to purchase the house I am currently living in. There is paperwork to be signed, and of course, a debt to be paid, but I am trusting the Lord to move me out of my current home, and into the home of His choosing very soon.

I can see the logic in such a move. I need to be free to go where the Lord leads, and that means that I need to not be tied into a long-term lease situation. I need to go when the Lord says, "Let's go" and we start moving. I cannot worry about selling a home, or even breaking a lease. So I think this is the Lord's doing, and I am resting in His Judgement on the case. I know He will provide a way out for me, and that He will resolve this situation quickly and within the next month.

So far, I have looked at a number of rental places. There is one nearby that would work well. I am thinking that this will be where we go, Lord willing, and that we will need to move sometime next month. The timing would be good, so Lord, let's go.

In preparation for this move, I have to finish some tasks here at home, namely painting and decluttering. I also need to start to pack. The Lord has given me the go to pack, so I need to make a do-to list and start packing. I am trusting that He will help me with strength and endurance, and that He will provide a way for me to pack now. I am also asking for a way out of some of the clutter, the old junk, etc. Perhaps bulk trash, and perhaps St. Vincent de Paul -- or another charity group that will pick up large items. I need to get rid of sofas and chairs, and old desks and other really trashed items. I have had these items in my home for 20-30 years so they are no good to anyone. I cannot just dump them, so I need to know who will take them away for me. I also do not have a moving truck or a truck -- so I am planning on moving with only small items. I will buy a new bed, and sofa, etc. and have these items delivered to me. I cannot fathom moving on my own, so I need God's help to get my things transported across town. Of couse, I can and will move the little things, the boxes, and such, and I do have a teenager to help. I just cannot move furniture anymore.

I see great potential in moving, and I am resolved that this is the Lord's will for my life. I anticipate being happy in this new home, no longer struggling with oppression that has been with me for 30 years. I am so excited to be free from the darkness, and to be in a home that the Lord has chosen for me. I know that in His choice, I will be surrounded by God and will be able to sleep and to live without that constant harrassment from Satan. Now granted, I know I will never be free of his harrassment, but I will be free from it in my home. I will be no longer tied to items and things and people with whom Satan has an attachment. The Lord in His word tells us to flee these things, these emotional attachments, and in doing so, we are able to withstand the darkness. If we remain attached to things or people that are not of the light, than that darkness settles around us. Yes, the darkness flees in the Light of Jesus, but we are already plunged into this dark world, and we are already being challenged daily by everyday things, and people we meet. We are to keep our personal life, our personal relationships, free from darkness so that our entire effort and being can be used to reach those the Lord is seeking. This probably doesn't make sense, but I guess what I am saying is that as Christians we are called to live in this world (in the darkness), but that in our personal lives we are called to live the Kingdom of God (in the light.) It is not good for us to allow our personal lives to be hindered by the darkness -- we must always be in the light.

My goal is to separate myself from the dark aspects in my life today, and to be free from their influence. I am tired of struggling in my own life, of having to constantly do battle on the inside. I have enough worries with battling the outside -- so my inside life needs to be pure and righteous, and striving for the Lord only. I am choosing to follow God, to live in His Light, and to do what pleases Him most. May God be Praised today and forever more!

Changes and the Lord

2011-07-13T10:24:00.002-07:00

It is a lovely Wednesday here in Phoenix. The day is going to be hot (again!) and there is little chance of monsoon rain. Oh well...this is what it is like to live in Phoenix during the summer -- hot, hot, and more hot, and just the promise of rain!

I am loving my new iPhone. I purchased the 3GS model, and my son bought the 4. I didn't think I needed the more expensive phone, and so far, I am very happy with my choice. I bought these phones in preparation of some changes the Lord has in mind for us. I have known for a while that we would need to begin to change our approach to life, to make some additions and deletions to services and providers. This was in part due to the unresolved aspect of my life (my marriage), and also the possibility of a move (locally or to another state). The Lord has graciously provided options to me over the past couple years. These options have included moving to states as far away as Tennessee, New Hampshire, North Carolina, and Illinois. In more recent months, we have considered Texas. The Lord has asked me to "consider" moving, and by that, He means to think about it, to meditate on it -- in common vernacular -- to check it out (through Google, etc.) I have done this with all the options, virtually going there, visiting neighborhoods, reading statistics, looking at homes in the area, schools, etc. It has proven edifying to me, to actually see a place before I even go there. I think of Moses or Abraham who had to physically go there, to the place of the Lord's leading, without any prior knowledge. How thankful I am for Google and the Internet! LOL!

As I have pondered moving to these other places, I have had to deal with some really big unknowns. First of all, I didn't have a job, and I had no way of actually going there (yet). I could imagine it, but I couldn't really go -- without income, a home, etc. The Lord promised me that these things would be there when I needed them, but it was hard for me to really trust Him. I still need to see things before I believe (sigh!)

Now, though, things are very different. I do have a job, and I have a job with a company that has offices and campuses all over the US. I have the opportunity to work in Phoenix, and perhaps transfer to another location when the Lord says, "Let's go!" I am pleased to have the job I have now, and I am excited about the future, and whatever prospects the Lord has in mind for me. I also am content to know that my son's schooling is no longer a concern for me. I have based our ability to go on the Lord's will for my life. In short, I have said that we would go so long as His will in my life is done. I didn't think about the Lord's will for my son's life. Well, I did, and I did consider his needs for school, etc. What I didn't think was that the Lord might choose to move us BASED on His will for my son's life and not mine. Does that make sense? Really, I thought as MOM, and wage earner, we would move because of my job or a job prospect. I never considered that we might move because the Lord is doing something in my son's life, and will require him to live someplace else.

This has happened now, and though I cannot freely write about it, I can say that there is a good possibility that we (me and my son) might move for a ministry opportunity. This means that my life is no longer tied or bound to any particular location. The same is true for my son. I knew the Lord was asking me to let go, to let things be, and while I was doing that, I wasn't fully comprehending what this meant. I thought it was just agreeing with His will, but really He was asking me to literally, to physically, let go of my life here in Phoenix. I have considered this for years, and I have always said, "Yes, Lord, thy will be done." I have not really let go, though, not until last evening, and not until I really grasped the significance of what it means to "let go."

I am now free from all burdens and incumbrances here in Phoenix. And, although my home is still an issue, the Lord is separating me from it. My job is steady, all my other items (money, banking, schooling, etc.) are fluid, and are maleable to the Lord's hand. The home I live in is shared with my husband, but our note holder has asked for the loan to be paid by the end of next month. Of course, I do not have that money, and while my DH wants to remain in this home, and wants me to finance it, I cannot do that for him. I cannot purchase a home that is not of the Lord's choosing nor one that is not where the Lord wants us to be. There is a reason why the contract expires this year, and there is a reason why I am getting a new job now. It is too coincidental to think anyone but GOD is behind this change.

My plans are fluid and influx. I am fully entrusted to the Lord and I am relying on His hand of provision. I am going where He is going, and I am following Him now. If He moves us to another state, so be it, His will be done. If He asks us to remain here for a time, then so be it as well. I will live in whatever home He provides, and more than likely that will be a rental home. It makes sense -- to rent a home for a year -- and remain free to go when the Lord gives the command. Owning a home means you are settled into the place, and while financially it is usually a good choice (equity, earnings, etc.), sometimes it is better to be free to pick up and go. This is how I feel now, that we need to be free to go when the Lord asks us to go. There will be less work involved in ending a lease agreement than in selling a home (given the poor market in Phoenix).

So as of today, I am beginning to see what the Lord is doing in my life. I see that He is moving me out of my current home (for practical reasons, not just spiritual/emotional ones), and into a home of His provision. He is continuing to provide for me so that I can be in a good position (job-wise) and financially to move later on (in a year or two). He is up-ended everything that is here, and shaking it out, and making it ready for transportation. I am excited to be able to go where ever He leads, and now I have a better sense of why we would go. With my schooling online, there is no reason to go anywhere else. But with the reason not being focused on me, that simply means that my life is not in question. The details and data of my life are already set and fixed. Now the Lord needs to set and fix the details of my son's life. It is so wonderful to be held in His hand and to be in a place where He is free to move ahead of us.

Dear Lord,

I look to you as the Israelites looked to you -- you are that pillar of fire by night and the cloud by day -- to lead me where you are settling me. I ask now that you have free reign to go, to change, to move, and to make us what you need and want. I want your will to come to pass, and I ask now in Jesus' Name that your will be done. I am trusting you, 100% to move us, to settle us, and to make this be. I ask that you go before us, and to prepare our way. Until you physically tell us to go, I ask that you continue to provide for our basic needs, and you continue to help me improve my financial situation. I ask that you give me your Grace in my new job, and that I am able to handle all the changes that are coming quickly. In Jesus' Name I pray this now, trusting and relying upon you as God. You are my Lord, and You are God alone. Praise to Jesus, for He is my King and my Master. May God be praised forever more. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!

Beautiful Sunday!

2011-07-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

It is a beautiful Sunday morning here in Phoenix, AZ! I made it through my shift at Macy's, but I am struggling this morning with sore feet. Just two more weeks to go, and then I will be free from retail -- PTL! I did go in and turn in my notice to Macy's yesterday, and I feel so relieved to know that I am on my way out. Everyone was very nice about my leaving, and they were happy for my new job. Still, I found it hard to concentrate and do the work with the same level of effort. I know that "short timers" syndrome kicks in where you say "I am leaving, so it doesn't matter anymore," well, that really doesn't cut it with the Lord (I know this). I have promised to work two weeks, and that means working every shift just as if I wasn't leaving. Yet, in the back of my mind, I cannot help but think -- two more weeks!

God is so very Good to me, and I am sure He knows how I feel inside. I am happy and excited, but I am also so very tired of the hard physical work. I cannot lug the clothing or do the standing anymore. My feet are very swollen today, so I am going to our 3rd service at church (11:30). It starts late, but it means I can rest some this morning, and drink my coffee, and then head over to church later on.

My son is part of the new college group. I am so happy about this because our church was basically telling college students to leave and go to one of the big Bible churches in the area. These larger churches have mid-week Bible studies and groups with 100-200 students in them. It is understandable, but for some of our kids, they aren't going to want to do that, so two of the older boys decided to start their own group. There are about 10 college-bound or in college students who are going to meet each week for fun activities (to hang out). They will sit together at the 11:30 service, except when my son and the other two boys have to perform for Worship. I am guessing that they will encourage the other students to go to the mid-week study with them (I know they already go), and I think it is great for them to do this together.

I remember when I graduated from high school. My church was small and most of the high school students went away to college. There were about 4-5 of us left, and we had no place to go. Our high school youth group had been so active, and we did retreats, ski trips, summer beach outings, overnights, etc. all the time. It was my SOCIAL outlet each week, and I loved it. Then it was like "you're graduated, bye!" I hated that feeling of being cast-off. I understand now of course that just like with my current church, the kids back then were encouraged to go to the big Bible church and attend the college group (I did it, and that is where I met my husband).

My hope is that my son will stick with the core group of kids, and remain active while he is at the community college. He is still talking about going away to school, and perhaps that will happen. Until then, though, I like the idea of him having friends and being grounded in church group activities.

So that is my story for today. My feet hurt, but I am praising God for His GOODNESS toward me. I am on my way out of Macy's and into the University of Phoenix. I am so blessed for this new job, and I am so excited to begin it. For now, I have to be steady, and I have to finish this course, close out my days at Macy. I am also finishing my courses at Mercy, and will be done with these two courses on August 5th. I will then be at the turn for my schooling. I will have four more course, three literature classes and one thesis class -- then graduation with a Master of Arts in English Literature (the completion of a goal that has been 18 years in the waiting!) Praise be to God, all of this, all of these new changes and pathways are of His Hand! He is so very GOOD to me!

A Brand New Day

2011-07-09T09:10:00.002-07:00

In January 2011, I changed the name of this blog to "A New Day." My hope at that time, was to change the focus of this blog from my life circumstances (my job hunt, and so on) to the things that mattered most to me (and to God): serving the Lord Jesus Christ, building up HIS church by using my gifts and abilities, and reaching out for opportunities to minister in my home and my community. This is what I wanted to do, but due to the continued struggle for financial freedom, the lack of permanent work, and such, I have continued to stress, to worry, and to engage in conversation to help keep my spirit up and encouraged in the truth that God's will for my life was coming to pass.

It has taken over a year for things in my life to settle down. I now have a good job (starting at the end of this month). I am now able to pay my bills, and I will be able to continue to live in my home (this or another) with God's Gracious Help and Provision. My schooling is paid for (PTL!) and I am set on my next step to pursue Communication Studies at Regent University. I will begin my language program once I start my new job (I will listen on my way to and from work). God has provided all this to me, and although, the time has been delayed, I am now at the point where my life is good, is working and moving forward in the direction of His choosing.

As I ponder this whole thought, I am consumed with praise for God, and for His faithfulness to me. I cannot contemplate any hope of work, of career, of school, or of anything because in it and through it and because of it -- there is God. He is at work in me and through me to bring His will to pass. I am in awe of Him today, and I give Him the thanksgiving and praise. To God be the Glory forever and ever, Amen.

Therefore, I have decided to close the book on my life and the details and events contained in it. This doesn't mean that I will no longer have to deal with specific things, issues and concerns -- ongoing, those items that are not yet resolved, it simply means that I am choosing to let the rest be. I am choosing today to let it all be as God plans and ordains. I am no longer going to concern myself with the items I cannot change or hope to alter in the course of my life. Among these things, these items are:

A Job - Praise God! I have a job today!!
A home (be it this one or another)
My schooling (it is done!)
My son's schooling (it is done for two years - afterward, it is up to God)
My relationships (with family, friends, etc.)
My plans and dreams and the things I believe God is calling me to do

All of the above is now in His hand. I can do nothing, I cannot continue to worry or be concerned, so I am letting them all lay at His feet, and be moved or changed according to His Marvelous Grace and Blessed Hand. In doing so, I am letting go of the past hurts, the past dissapointments, and the past unresolved issues and I am embracing my day today, and my future tomorrow. I truly can do all things through Christ Jesus - who strengthen's me. I am able to stand today, and I am able to walk on tomorrow because it is the Lord Jesus Christ who moves in me and through me and directs and plans my ways and days. God is doing this through me, and I let go, and I choose to let Him lead me.

I am set free now. I no longer desire to rehash or relive my past days. The sorrow will diminish, the shame is no more (I am plunged in the fountain of Christ's blood, and I am clean). I can go on, walk on, and walk worthy because of Christ's finished work on the CROSS. I am saved, I am good, and I am free.

God is so very GOOD to me.

I Got a Job!

2011-07-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

"The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent." ~2 Peter 3:9 NLT

I am sitting here and giving up all the praise to God above! I got a phone call from UOP this morning offering me the position as Enrollment Advisor! I start on July 25th, and I can officially quit Macy's now. My last work day will be Saturday the 23rd! Whoo Hoo!!

The Day After

2011-07-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

It is so hot and humid today -- all thanks to our gigantic haboob that came through on Tuesday evening. This was a massive dust storm, and there is about an inch of fine dirt everywhere, all over the sidewalks, the windows, my car (which just got washed!) The sky even looks dirty brown still. Our dew point is up in the 60s and temperatures have been around 100 degrees. Our humidity is still low, only about 32% but the combination is enough to make it pretty horrible to be outside right now. I think our high today is supposed to be around 105-106.

I went out to the coin wash to get my car washed, and then was going to go shopping. I ended up washing the car and coming home. I am now having some lunch, and maybe later, will attempt another trip to the store. In the meantime, I am enjoying my PB&J sandwich, and I am thinking about my job offers (potential offers).

I was really surprized about the ASU job interest. I really didn't think I would get a nibble on that one, considering that ASU rarely calls me back or even sends me a reply notice to my applications. I looked at the job description again, and even though it pays better than UOP, I am just not drawn to that job. I know, I shouldn't be picky, but I don't have a sense of peace about that job at all. It is in my field, and it is something I could do -- it is just that I don't really want to do that job. I cannot explain it, and I am hitting myself for being this way or feeling this way. I just don't feel like it is a job I want to do, that is all.

Lord, why do I feel this way? If I am being dense or not willing and agreeable to do this job, please change my heart and attitude! I want to do the job of your choosing, your work, and that means that I am willing to do any job offered. Why am I feeling this way? If this is of your hand, so be it. If not, then Lord, I yield and submit to your will in my life. I wholeheartedly lay down my wishes and desires to accomodate your way. In Jesus I ask this now -- in His Name -- may your will be done now!

Raining Blessings from Heaven

2011-07-06T16:59:00.001-07:00

Call me thoroughly confused right now. I just got off the phone with ASU (Arizona State University) HR asking for a phone interview for a Web IT Specialist position. I had applied, completely forgotten about it, and now have an interview on Friday. I was able to log into their system to retrieve the job description, but I cannot get my resume (I lost my copy on old PC2 - old PC1 was my HP that failed in May). I don't remember what I said or how I marketed myself -- it is all gone! So here I sit right now, waiting for the outcome of my background check with UOP, and potentially being screened for an interview for a web design/developer position. Weirdsville!

I am scratching my head right now because as I read through the job application, I am saying, "Lord, I cannot do this job!" I remember applying, and I remember the Holy Spirit pushing me (well prodding me gently as He always does) to apply. I was so shocked to even receive a call from them. How can this be?

My gut tells me that the BIG GUY is behind all of this because it has His mark all over things right now. I mean, I have applied for web positions for over two years and NO ONE, I mean NO ONE, has even called me to interview. Nada, nothing, zippp! I went from having no options to now having several -- well, considering that Kelly IT has not offered the Tech Support job to me yet (in background check with them), and UOP is in background check as well (job offer forthwith more than likely). This option would be three positions open, two of which, are salaried and benefitted.

Dear Lord,

What are you doing here? What do you want me to do about this job with ASU? It feels so outside the scope of my experience. How am I to proceed? You had told me that I could brush up on some technical skills, but I haven't done that at all. Now I have today and tomorrow to actually get to work. I don't have access to the Robert Half Technology skills site anymore (that is on my old system too), and I am in need of some extra refresher course work. DJ has offered to help me (I laughed, you know, because DJ could do this job in an instant -- except that he doesn't have his AA yet) and I am grateful for his willingness to share this information with me. I wish I understood what you were doing, and why now all this is happening. I do know you are God, and that as God, you most certainly can bring me a job where ever and when ever you choose. I am thanking you now for this opportunity, and I am giving you all the praise, all the glory, and all the honor. You are worthy, Lord, so very worthy!

Seeing the Future

2011-07-06T08:12:00.002-07:00

As I struggle to deal with some pain today, I am focused on the future, and the wonderful plans the Lord has for my life. I am trusting Him, and I am paitently waiting for Him to deliver me from the circumstances I am presently facing. Of course, I know that I will not be delivered from all of them, but some will miraculously be removed, while others will be placed in less emphasis. God is able to do this for me, and I am resting in Christ's STRENGTH today.

It looks as though I may be hired at UOP. I was emailed the background check form yesterday, so barring no problems with my history, I anticipate receiving an offer soon (perhaps in 1-2 weeks or there abouts). I am so excited to be moving in this direction, and I am so willing to do this work. I have heard some stories from others, some negative remarks, etc., but I am going into this position with my eyes wide open. I have come to learn that NO JOB is perfect, and that NO COMPANY is IDEAL. They all are flawed, and under this present world system, they all are self-seeking and self-serving. So be it, thy will be done, Lord. I know this, and I know that my job is to work unto my Lord, as my MASTER, and as a result, I work with earnest for whomever I actually do practical work. God is orchestrating this change in my life, and I am able to begin to see a future that is of His Hand.

It is exciting to contemplate -- just the fact that perhaps in one month -- I will no longer have to worry about my mortgage payment or getting the roof repaired. I will have steady income, enough income to pay all the monthy bills, but some for savings as well. As I go through the next year, there will be enough to repair my master bath shower (it needs to be removed, and a new prefab unit installed). I need new carpeting, new flooring, etc., and these are all fairly big ticket items. I need about $600 in flooring, and $1500 in carpeting. Plus the siding needs replaced/repaired, and the house painted. Then there are the things I want to do like replacing the counters and sink in the kitchen (inexpensive, but will enhance the value of my home). I also need some comfort items -- a new slip cover for my sofa and chair (to cover up the shredded arms due to my cats and their claws). There are little things too, minor things that I have wanted to change over the years. I would love new dishes, and to finally get grown up cups/glasses. Little things that cost $30, but have been placed out of reach due to severe financial hardship.

There are also the medical issues, the dental and vision needs, that have been on the "must" list for over ten years. I need dental work done, badly. I need to go to the Doctor about my female issues (beginning menopause), and I need new glasses (eye) which will run me about $400 (very poor vision and now with need of bifocal/trifocals).

All of this has been waiting patiently for the Lord's Hand, and now that He is moving me forward, and taking me to a place with good income (modest, but good), I can through thriftiness and savings, begin to do these things, to check them off the list. No more waiting for new eye glasses. I can schedule that Dr.'s appointment and order frames and lenses! Praise be to God the Father, to God the Son, and to God the Holy Spirit for His Most Merciful Blessing and Provision!!

Other News

Praise God, I got my financial aid award papers in the mail yesterday. I am approved for another year of student loan, and this means my summer, fall and spring courses are paid for and set! PTL! Of course, these are loans that I will pay back, and the dollar figure just chokes me when I see it, but I know that God has provided this to me, and that I am able now to attend the college of His Choosing for His Work and Ministry. I never thought I could get financial aid, and I am excited to be able to finish my courses, graduate and then head on to big college (LOL!) for my final degree. It is so wonderful to know that My God has done this for me, and that He is leading me through these courses, and preparing me for His work someday.

So even though I am not at my best today, I am praising God because He is so very GOOD to me.

Dust Storm 2011

2011-07-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

Interview Success

2011-07-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

I think my interview at the University of Phoenix went well today. It was so hot and humid, but I survived the drive down (only 20 minutes). I also enjoyed meeting the two managers who were doing the hiring. Both were very kind and accomodating. Compared to the other interviews I have suffered through -- this one was very pleasant!

After I got home, and second-guessed myself (all my answers were wrong, you know how that goes), I got a request for a pre-employment background screening check. This is the first step to getting hired. It can take up to 14 days, so I am asking the Lord to move "heaven and earth" so that nothing stops the process. I am prayerfully willing to do this job, and I am trusting God to see to it that my screen returns positively in favor of my hiring.

Dear Lord,

You know my needs, and you know my life right now. I am asking you to facilitate this screening, and enable it to pass through quickly. I pray that nothing pops up or shows out of order, and that my dates and testimony are exactly as they should be. I pray that I am accepted for this position and that I can begin on August 1. I ask this all now in the Matchless and Mighty Name of Jesus, Amen.

Language Study

2011-07-05T07:21:00.001-07:00

My son has been asking me to find him some language tapes so he can learn to speak Finnish. I don't know why he is so interested in this language, but he has continued to press me to find some tapes for him to use. I scoured the Internet, and came up with a smattering of beginning courses. Apparently, Finnish is a very complex language, and it is very difficult for non-Finns to learn. I did find an inexpensive business/travelers course, and for $35, I think the price is good to get him started.

In addition to wanting to learn Finnish, he has not changed his position on learning Russian. I checked out the Pimsleur CDs from our library two years ago, and he still can speak most of the beginning phrases with a very good accent. He wanted visual study, one that included reading Russian, so I got him a phrase book, and he began to read a Russian Bible. His level of Russian is pretty good for a beginner. I spotted today on the Homeschool Buyers Co-op website that they offer Rosetta Stone at a discount. I checked it out, but think I can do better by ordering it directly from Rosetta Stone. In fact, the corporate website has a payment plan for home schoolers so you can make five payments instead of plunking down $380 bucks all at once. I may do this for him, and that way, he could get all three levels of Russian right away.

If he chooses to study Russian, and if he will complete the language series, he would be able to pursue a degree in Russian at Arizona State University. ASU offers a BA in Russian with study abroad options. It is a flexible degree, so they simply require passage of a test and demonstration of intermediate language acquisition. Our local CC doesn't offer Russian (the only campus that offers it is down in Mesa and that would be 45 minutes away from us -- one way). He is planning on taking French at the CC, and could complete four semesters before he gets his AA degree. ASU requires Russian language students to have two languages, so completing French and Russian would be good. He would also like to study German, so perhaps that would work as well.

My son has had language interest since he was a child. I started him on French, and he completed Rosetta Stone, Level 1 and 2 online. He also did level 1 of German, Spanish and Latin. I am not sure how much he retained, but he zipped through the courses quickly. He has been stuck on Russian for about two years now, so I think this is probably at God-thing.

Anyway, my goal is to help him with language outside that of the CC. He would like to study at college, but since our college doesn't offer instruction in the languages he wants to study, we will have to be creative and find the courses ourselves.

As for me, I will begin French again this fall. My goal is to relearn French, speaking mostly, through the next year. I tried Rosetta Stone French too, and while I did well on it, I found the process and approach too scattered for me. My son loved it, I found it repetitive and boring. I much preferred Pimsleur (audio) to Rosetta Stone. Therefore, my plan is to use Pimsleur along with some study aids to get my speaking language up to speed.

My Plan for Fall 2011

2011-07-04T15:35:00.001-07:00

I have decided to trust the Lord for His Provision of a full-time job. I have been seeking work since December of 2009, and while that process has been frustrating to me, I have come a long way in my attitude and my willingness to do ANY work of the Lord's choosing. I have reshaped my perspective and my worldview, and I now understand more clearly how the Lord intends to use a job to help train and prepare me for His Work. I get it, I understand the point, and I even think I can go so far as to say why I think it has taken me so long to find work. Yes, the economy in Phoenix has been really bad, but I also know that I have had to do some major maturation, and in that process, I had to come to fully trust the Lord for everything. I have done this, and that is not to say that I am "perfect" in trusting Him -- oh my no! In fact, I still slip and I second-guess Him, and often, I whine and complain about His slowness in doing things for me. Yes, I am fully human flesh, and as such, I still goof up, and I still forget that He is SOVEREIGN, and that as God, He is quite able to do and take care of everything that concerns me today, tomorrow and forever. Praise to God, Glory to His Name, and Honor to Him as Most High God!

Therefore, I write this plan out with the knowledge that I may end up seeing it in a month or two and go, "Oops, that was way off the mark!" Yet, I feel compelled to write it down, if not to comfort myself, perhaps just to layout the testimony for others as the Lord moves in my life. May this come to pass as the Lord determines and delivers -- Selah!

Get hired at University of Phoenix as an Enrollment Advisor (this is the full time position I am interviewing for on Tuesday).
Remain here in Phoenix until such a time as the Lord moves me elsewhere
Help my son graduate from Paradise Valley Community College with an AA in 2013, and then help him choose a good school to pursue a BA degree (Language or music or something else)
Move from my home when the Lord chooses to sell it
Rent a place that will accomodate us and have room for all our music stuff
Be steady, get involved in ministry at PVCC (my church home), and generally LIVE in the Blessed FREEDOM of my Master Jesus, putting everything behind me, and pressing on to the goal of ETERNAL LIFE IN JESUS! PTL!

Not outwardly exciting, but inwardly fulfilling. Along with this list includes several priorities for me:

Graduate from Mercy College in May 2012
Graduate from Regent University in May 2017
Graduate from The Master's College sometime in 2023 or thereabouts
Finish my language study
Continue to work on my cello and begin violin study as the Lord provides to me

I know that seems like a lot of schooling but really it is all part of what I believe is my calling in God's economy and kingdom. I have a calling, just like every other believer, and mine is specific to what God wants me to do in this life. It has to do with ministry abroad, and because of that emphasis, there is language study involved. Music is simply to help faciliate ministry, and since I never learned as a child, I am learning now. This will break the ice, enable community, and allow me to reach people who might not want to be reached via regular channels. My degrees are for a specific ministry position, and the level of schooling is a requirement. I am a scholar, and I love school, so I believe the Lord has chosen me for this work because it is partly my God-given design and partly His Grace (well, all of His Grace) for me to do it. As I have blogged before, I struggle just to do LIFE. I struggle to work in a job, to be out with people, to perform on cello, and so on. BUT -- I do school easily. I love studying, and writing research papers, and the whole THINKING process. I love school, and I love knowledge. I am wired this way, and God is using me to do work in His Name because I am this way. He is GOOD like that, and I love Him for this attribute of His!!

Along with my love of school, I have this weird affinity for all things French. I studied French when I was in Jr. High and High School. I struggled through grammar, so I never finished four years of study. I had then, and I still have now, what my teacher called a "perfect French accent." I have forgotten the language almost completely, yet when I hear it, I understand it, and when I see it in writing, I can read it. I don't speak it, just out of shame and fear of sounding so awful (LOL!), but within my head, there it is. My son laughs at me, because when I repeat phrases he tells me in Russian, I sound French. He tells me, "Mom, stop sounding French!" I cannot help it, I just do it. God has called me into ministry to the French people, and I think this was my calling as a child. I loved learning French, and I was a straight A student. I wanted to study French in college, but was dissuaded by a not-so-nice French teacher who told me I would never make it through high school (well, she thought that about me personally, so there!)

I look back now and I can see God's handprint on my life. I can see my childhood, and my experiences, and my loves and desires coalescing into one vision, the vision of His calling. Before I looked at my life as one fragment, one shard or thread disconnected from the real me. Now it makes sense to me. I am supposed to do this work, and even though it has taken me 40 years to get around to it, the timing, it seems is perfect. God knew that I would choose certain paths, and that they would take me away from His calling for a time. I chose some poor pathways, and I suffered because of those choices. Yet, God didn't stop, He didn't let go, and He has used those choices to bring me back to Him as a more mature, more willing, and more agreeable servant. I have matured, and I am strong in the Lord now. I have ABRAHAM FAITH (yes, I asked for it), and because Abraham is the man I chose to emulate the most, I have learned Abraham lessons. I have had to patiently wait, and patiently endure. I had had to look to the promise reward, but wait years and even consider for a time that the reward would never come.

You see, I started graduate school in 1994. That was approximately 17 years ago. I started it, but because I had a child, I had to give it up. I gave it up willingly, and at my most lowest point, God sent an angel to me to remind me of His faithfulness. I know the person who showed up was an Angel (whether real or just a servant -- the word came to me -- and it set me free). I followed God's word, and I laid my desires for graduate school aside and I picked up my then young son, and embraced my mission to raise him in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

Throughout his childhood, my dream of graduate study never wavered. It simmered on the back burner, and more than twice, I cried my heart out to the Lord as I laid it at His feet. I gave it up, I forgot about it, and I focused on my son instead. God didn't forget my calling, and He didn't forget my desire. My life verse is Psalm 37:4-6, and I believe that when our desires are conformed to Him, God will use them for His Name and His Glory. It took many years for me to learn to find my delight in Him alone, and once I did, God gave me back graduate school, and not only did He enable me to go, but He provided the money so I could go.

I know in my heart what I am to do for the Lord, and how I am to do it. I still struggle with doing LIFE, and by that I simply mean that I am not the most social person, the most friendly or the most out-there. I tend to live under a rock, and I like being alone. It is weird that God would choose someone like me to go on the mission field. I don't like to meet new people. I just cower whenever I have to confront people or talk with them. Yet, I am going (or will go), and I am not afraid to go.

In the mean time, God has provided school for me, and more language study (relearning French for instance), and some other tasks for me to do. He has also provided income so I can live while I am being trained for His work. I lose my focus a lot, and often I struggle just to keep on task. God is GOOD to me, and He helps remind me of what I am to do, and shows me the way. I follow Him, and He leads me on.

I am blessed with this life, and while it is MESSY right now, and there are relationships (damaged ones) that hang in the balance, generally speaking, I am very happy and content. I am good and I am loved, and I press on. I keep on going, moving forward and I look to the Lord for His LAMP and the precious LIGHT of His WORD (Jesus). May God be praised today as I continue to walk worthy, following after Him, and seeking always to do His will. In Jesus' Name I pray this now, Amen.

Majesty

2011-07-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

One of my all time favorite worship videos and performances - I cannot help but fall on my face before my God when IBC sings this song of praise and adoration to the One who sits on Heaven's throne. Blessings on this day of freedom!

Freedom

2011-07-04T09:48:00.003-07:00

"So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free." John 8:36 NLT

Well, it is the 4th of July, and Independence Day here in the USA. I thought I would write a blog post about what it means to be to be free and independent. Of course, I am thankful to God that I live here in the USA, and that I am free to pursue any lifestyle I choose, including a religious one. I am also thankful for the bountiful provision of His Hand and that in our country, I am free to go to school, to work, and to be any kind of professional person I choose. It is not this way in many countries in the world, and most have highly competitive colleges and universities. Not every good student has the chance to be a doctor or a lawyer or even an artist or musician. It is a lottery in many cases, and some students cannot succeed, no matter how hard they try to do so. Not so here in the USA. No school is out of bounds for most students. Of course private and Ivy league schools may be out of bounds price-wise, but generally, most students with decent grades can attend school here. I am blessed to have been born in the USA and I am blessed that my Creator-God loves me and is providing for me this day.

Update: Job Front

I have not heard a word back from Kelly IT Services. That job is supposed to begin next Monday, and for that to happen, certain things have to be done in my home (set up an office, install a phone, etc.) I still have Qwest coming tomorrow (couldn't cancel over the weekend because Qwest doesn't offer 24/7 support like Cox does). I did buy a new router and modem, and that has practically solved my Internet woes (PTL!). Along with the install, to do this job, Kelly is supposed to give me a computer (IMAC) and an ITOUCH so I can be trained on these devices. Right now, I have no job offer, and no movement forward. In addition to all of this, I am supposed to attend some training with Kelly the week before I would start Apple Training.

My second option of working at the University of Phoenix begins tomorrow. I have my interview at 12:45 in Tempe. I am hopeful on this job because it is full-time with benefits. I have received some negative comments about the school, and this job, in particular, but right now I need work, and this job would be a good start.

I have not heard back on Allied College, and they said they would let me know by July 1 on that position. The other jobs I have applied for have returned no interest (no calls, no emails, no status update). This is pretty consistent with how it has been for me. I apply, then I don't hear for months and months.

Macy's has hired a dozen or so new employees. This pressures the older ones to train the new ones, without pay of course, and it makes it very hard for us to do our job. We end up doing the work of two or three people during one busy shift. I am so tired, and physically unable to do this work anymore. I really need to quit the job, but I don't want to do that until I have another in hand.

I feel confident about this UOP opportunity. At the least, I feel if I interview and don't get hired, I will have tried everything, every job in Phoenix, and every possible option for me for work. I can do no more. I will give up then, stop trying, and just look for more PT work until I can graduate and look for teaching positions.

Lastly, my son seems to be doing really well. He came back from the student trip to CA Saturday. He had a great time, and did an all-day missions trip to the heart of the homeless population in the US -- downtown LA. In two-square blocks, there are more homeless people than anywhere else in the US. It was an eye opener for him. I am pleased that he has had this experience, and I hope it will help him see the truth of what is out side our front door.

Aslan, Jordan, Adriane, DJ, and Kris

Photos courtesy of http://www.adrianeblanco.com

Yesterday, DJ played with the Adriane Blanco Band at all three church services. This week, he is off to Dallas to perform with them, and then in two weeks, he goes to Albequrque, NM for another performance. So far, he has made some nice money (not a lot but since he doesn't work elsewhere, it is like PT wages), and he has gotten to travel a lot. More than likely, there will be more performances for him and more opportunities for him to learn how to minister through music. I am blessed by his participation, and thankful to Adriane Blanco, for letting my very young son (still only 17) be a part of his professional touring band. God is so very GOOD to us!

I end this post with this wonderful quote from Psalms. This is my life verse, though I have changed it to Psalm 100 (for my blog). This is the verse I chose when the Lord first introduced Himself to me about five years ago. He pressed into me, changed me, and that day, I was set free. I was set free from so many distresses, and as I have learned how to walk with Him, I have enjoyed the deepest and sweetest fellowship imaginable. I am blessed because I know Him, and He has made me different, He has caused my life to be reordered, and through His work, I am alive today to walk, to sing, to shout, and to proclaim His Goodness! God is GOOD all the time, and ALL THE TIME, GOD IS SO VERY GOOD.

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
~Psalm 37:4-6 NIV

I Think I May Be Getting a Full Time Job

2011-07-01T22:12:00.001-07:00

Well, my...my...my, how things have changed in an instant, in a flash! This morning, I prayed for the Lord to lead me to a job that would provide enough income for me to live on comfortably here in Phoenix. I have been struggling to find work, and the jobs that are coming to me, are ending up not going any where. I was so frustrated this morning, and I told the Lord that I would be agreeable to His will. Now, I have said this before, but my issue was my actual willingness to do the work of His choosing. I thought I was being agreeable, but I wasn't "agreeing" with Him, and that is the key to success with God. I made that change, and BAM! I ended up with a phone interview today, and an in-person interview next week.

This morning, I cried to the Lord, I really cried to Him. I was feeling so desparate, and I was getting such heavy pressure from family, that I simply was UP TO HERE with the whole mess. I was sitting in the tub, and crying out to Him, telling Him that I believed He was able to bring me a job today. I mean, after all, He is GOD, and He was able to THINK the universe into creation -- so logically -- why could He NOT think a job into being for me? It makes sense, you know.

Well, in about an hour, I had applied for a job as an Online Enrollment Advisor for University of Phoenix. I got an email, and proceeded through the phone interview before 2 today. I am scheduled for an interview on Tuesday. This job is FT, comes with benefits, and is salaried. It would work well for me, and regardless of what I know about the school (complaints, students suing over legal issues, etc.) I need this job. I have been told to steer clear of this school, to not get involved, but the problem is that I need work so badly, that I am willing to give it a good try. I cannot worry about what is going on, I can only trust the Lord to bring a job to me. If the Lord thinks it is Ok, then it is Ok. I am trusting Him, and I believe Him and in Him.

So if everything goes well on Tuesday, I could potentially begin this job August 1. I wish it were sooner, but this is good enough. I am asking the Lord to provide for me, and I am agreeing with Him on that provision. God knows my needs, and He is providing good practical work to me. May God be praised forever more! Amen!

Something Seems Off

2011-07-01T09:10:00.001-07:00

Ok, another day of battle with the ants in my home. Yesterday, a trail of biting ants made their way into my dining/kitchen area. These are the kind that if you step in their way, they will attack you. For little guys, they sure have nasty bites! I sprayed and vacuumed, and made good head way. Then this morning, I found scouts circling around a piece of cat food (thanks Ike), and I vaccumed and sprayed again. This time I went on the offensive, and I think I cut them off before they made it into my home with their full army. Oh, ants -- how I do find them frustrating!

On a similar note, I am getting more anxious about this At-Home position with Apple. I have completed everything to be an AppleCare Advisor, yet I have not been hired. Kelly IT has not offered the job to me, but they require that I install a phone as proof for employment. I have ordered the phone, but it will not be installed until next week. The issue is this, or the reason I feel that something is off:

There is no guarantee of employment until an offer is made
They are "waiting" on my background check, yet I know that these checks take 24-72 hours only
I have ordered a phone even though I don't have the job offer
Once the offer comes in, I am supposed to do training with Kelly IT followed by 4-weeks of Apple training
The requirements for training, not being late, not missing a session are stringent (I get that part)
I am also supposed to have a computer set up (through Kelly) for this training, which would begin July 11).

Right now, I have no confirmation of a job. Next week, will be the 5-8th, the following Monday, the training would begin. I have no job, no phone, no Kelly provided computer, etc. I know that this job is not a scam. I found it via Careerbuilder.com, and I applied and have done all my work through the KellyConnect website and the Kelly IT office. The problem is that somehow, the timing seems off. I have done everything as quickly as possible, and now more than likely I will miss the scheduled training. This means that there will be no job offer, and no job. I am concerned that either there is no job to begin with or that Kelly is just hiring people, but not taking them through to the job. Perhaps the recruiter needs to make his quota of recruits and promises the job without there really being a job available. I checked with Apple, and they are doing direct-hires for At Home Advisors, but not in Phoenix. Something seems really fishy.

I am really unsure about what to do. I need a job today, and so far, I have nothing to show for my time or my interview. I have interviewed with Allied Health in Phoenix, yet didn't hear back at all from them. I have also submitted my resume to Robert Half directly (to a Director), and then through their website. I am getting nothing again -- nada, no bites, no responses. I cancelled one interview because they job wanted something different than the post, but other than that -- there is dead silence.

I don't know if I can continue to work at Macy's. I am so physically tired all the time, and now when I come home, I go right to bed. I am exhausted and I only work 20 hours a week.

Oh Lord, what is going on here? Please help me to understand what I am to do today, and how I am to proceed, especially with Kelly IT and these other job applications. Thank you, Lord -- I ask this in Jesus Name! Amen!!

Strange and Wonderful

2011-06-30T20:43:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here trying to blog and waiting on my Internet connection to go through properly. I cannot connect, I get disconnected, and I get constant page not loading errors. I know that my router and modem are old, but this seems just too strange for me. I cannot even begin to contemplate how I will work from home with this slow of an Internet connection.

I have ordered the phone line via Qwest, but I still have no assurance that I will even get hired by Kelly IT Services. The longer it takes, the more I am questioning the entire process. Supposedly they are doing a background check on me, but it has been more than a week, and frankly, there is not much to check (no criminal activity, good credit, work reference, etc.) I find the whole situation disconcerting.

I am trying to be hopeful, to be encouraged, but I am feeling strange about the whole matter. I was enamored with the idea of working for Apple. Even though the money was a little more than Macy's, I liked the work or the kind of work. Now, I am second-guessing myself and thinking that no matter how you slice and dice it, I am going to be without enough money to live on.

I have the mortgage due on Tuesday (actually Sunday, but with the holiday -- it is Tuesday). I don't have the money, and my DH doesn't have it. This time we are flat out of luck on that front. We will be late again, and we will have to pay another $100 fee for it. There is nothing I can do about it right now, there just isn't enough money to go round to make the bills. I am working as hard as I can for Macy's, yet it is not enough. I need a full-time salaried position, and while I am trying to be hopeful on any kind of work, the truth is that I need a good job NOW.

Our note-holder has suggested that they will not continue to hold the loan through the end of August. This means that I will need to find another place soon. I don't have a first/last to lease a place, and I don't have enough income to pay rent of $1k per month (the going rate in our area for a 2bd/2ba apartment). My DH has no plans at all, and he is living here and has no real place to go.

I am ready to go to Texas, should the Lord open that door. I am ready to work here as well. I just need confirmation on a real FT job today. So far, I have not gotten any information at all, neither Kelly nor Robert Half has called me to interview or offer me a job.

Oh Lord, please provide a job to me today!

Austin, Texas

2011-06-30T12:43:00.001-07:00

I have the day off today, and so far, I have paid a bill (APS), and visited both Walmart and Target. I also had lunch with my parents (Honey Ham), and I am now at home resting a bit. I have been in conversation with the Lord since early am. I am struggling with the job situation (recent interviews, applications, and of course, waiting and more waiting). I am also trying to put together a plan for the near term in my life. So much of my plan is already set. My schooling, and the path I am on, is well-set. It won't change now, and I am steadily making good progress towards completing my advanced degrees. I am happy too, and I am back to enjoying my courses. My cello playing is taking a slight break, due to strain of my thumb, but I hope to be moving steadily on in that direction soon too. All in all, these things, the things I believe are the GOD-THINGS in my life are progressing well, and seem to be moving forward at a very relaxed, yet steady pace.

Then there are the MAN THINGS, the things of this world, the job and career and living space, etc., that are stuck in wait and see mode. I am not making forward progress, just one step up, and then a side step or a back step. It seems at times like I am walking in place, and that I am not really getting anywhere at all.

I am in this weird spot where I know what the Lord wants me to do with my life, but I cannot make any decisions regarding how to do it. I know that everything that is part of HIS WILL, all of these things are provided for, and they are coming to pass. It is all the rest, all the worldly things that are out of control, and out of sync with the GOD THINGS.

I want everything to be in sync, for everything to be coordinated and working together. After all, Paul says:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 NLT

This is so true. I see this happening in my daily life. God is causing everything that is HIS WILL for me to come together, to work together. The things that are outside His will seem to be dying off, or at the least, not growing. I need to get off the path I am on (world) and on the path (GOD) so that everything in my life will work together -- towards fulfilling the purpose God has for my life. The BIG QUESTION is how does one do this?

I am a Christ-follower, I am a servant of the Most High, and I am a friend of God's -- I am all these things, and yet, here I sit feeling as though my life is partly in order, partly ready, partly complete. Something is missing, something is off, out of whack and kilter. I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to get setup right again. I want to be 100% moving in the Lord's way, and I am willing and agreeable to doing it. Just how does one do that, outside of what I have already done? I am submitted, I am yielded, and I am ready.

Dear Lord,

You know my heart, and you know my head. You know that I am getting to the point of trusting you 100%. I want to trust you completely, and I want to follow you where ever you lead. I know your way, I love your way, and I want to be completely focused on your work now. I have been too focused on the world, too into how things look, how they could be, and I am ready to give all that up. I know you, and I know that where ever you take me, I will have a home, a car, and the things I like or want to make a home comfortable to strangers and friends. I will have all these things, and I don't need to worry about them anymore. Moreover, I know that my schooling is set and fixed, and I know now that DJ's schooling is also set and fixed. You will provide educational opportunities for him in any place we land -- where ever we go. I don't have to worry about this either. Lastly, I know that you will take care of my parents, and that I will help care for them -- regardless of where I live, either close or far away. You will do all these things because you are GOOD and it is your promise to me that your GOODNESS will always be a part of my life (because you are a part of my life). Therefore, Lord, I surrender all (just like in the song), and I let all these things go. I am choosing to follow you, to go where you go, and to allow you to do whatever you need to do to work all things in my favor. My goal is your goal, and my life is to be your friend from now until my last day here on this Earth. I trust you to do these things, and I let everything, every worry, every fear, and every unknown go. I ask and pray this in the Name of Jesus, Amen. So be it, thy will be done. Selah!

What is Going On, Lord?

2011-06-28T18:02:00.001-07:00

Ok, now I am getting worried. I know I shouldn't be worried, because after all, God is in control (yes, I do believe it!) Yet, I still feel that things are out of control, at the least, my control. Of course -- they are, aren't they? Yes, they are -- I have relinquished my control, I have chosen to surrender my will, and I have place my trust in His capable hands.

My concern is simply this -- what if, when I want to try Technical Recruiting, the place that could give me that job, simply won't consider me because I lack experience. I am having to trust the Lord on this point, I am having to rest in His security. I know He has a plan in all this, and right now, He is moving in and through my life. I am relying on Him, learning to trust and know that He is God. I am reminded of Psalm 46:10 where it says,

"Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world." (NLT)

Yes, Lord, may I be still today, and trust and KNOW that you are God.

Update: Technical Recruiter - July 5, 2011

I submitted my resume for several positions, and only one agency bothered to email me back with a polite thank you note. I haven't heard from Robert Half Technology, which surprized me the most, because the Dvision Director sent the email saying he was looking to direct hire 3 recruiters. I applied on their website, and the email said they would contact me directly. Nope, not a word. So far, I have found that companies are irresponsible and unprofessional in their attitude towards potential candidates. I don't care that there are many of us looking for jobs -- the point is simply that a business should conduct itself professionally, and that means demonstrating courtesy to the applicants who apply for jobs. Most big companies get around this courtesy issue by sending a reply email with a note of thanks BEFORE the screening process. I don't mind this at all, because at the least, I know where I stand. If they are interested, they will call me. It is the other companies that SAY THEY WILL CALL, and then don't.

Kelly IT and Robert Half are exactly alike in that regard. I have interviewed with Kelly and even submitted I-9 paperwork to them. I have no confirmation on a job that is set to begin next Monday. Right now, I cannot see how it would even happen, yet I was told to expect a confirmation once my background check cleared. I know that these checks take no more than 2-3 days, and yet it has been almost two weeks. In Robert Half's case, I interviewed twice with recruiters (in person), and then was dropped off their lists. No calls, no jobs, not even contract positions. I have applied to a number of jobs that I am qualified for, and there has been no interest or movement.

All in all, I am thinking that these agencies scam you. They interview you, and the recruiter gets the points to show they are doing their job. But they don't hire you or place you in positions, they just take credit for getting you signed up.

I have had little success working with companies for direct hire positions too, so now I am at a complete loss to explain what is what. Today, July 5th, I will go to the University of Phoenix for another new interview. I will start the process again, and my feeling is that if I don't get hired to this entry level position, then I am surely not supposed to find good practical work at all -- at the least -- not here in Phoenix.

It's a Good Day

2011-06-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Oh my, talk about aching body -- did I have a major body ache this morning. Last night, I worked from 6-9 p.m. at Macy's, and normally, it would be a pretty easy shift. Monday evenings are not usually busy, and the girls who are there in the morning-evening, do a good job of recovering the department. But, Macy's has hired a number of new sales associates, and they are not reliable for keeping things running well. It is not their fault, just a fact -- new hires don't know how to do the work properly, and often are left on their own to handle things. They sink or swim, that is the Macy's way, and if they survive, they usually end up being a good hire. I worked twice as hard as I normally do, and in 3 hours, I had recovered the entire department. My legs were aching when I left the store, and they throbbed in pain all night long. Today, I feel like I have run a marathon race. I am not looking forward to working on Wednesday p.m., and wish I had a couple days off to recuperate. Oh well!

On the job front, I am waiting to hear back from Kelly IT Services. I scheduled a phone install through Qwest, but I haven't gotten a formal offer yet. This process is bothering me, but I remain hopeful that it will work out in the end. I am a little bit stressed today over this job, and with trying to figure out my money-situation. Plus, my weed eater will not come out of the box (from Walmart), and I got mad at it, and decided NOT to try and cut my weeds down today. I am behind on School, though I did send in my paper late today (it was due last night at 12 midnight). I won't get marked down or anything, but I hate to be late!

While I was feeling lousy (have a headache today), I got a phone call from a recruiter with Software Management Consultant's Inc. I had applied to a job for a part-time website designer person, and they finally called me to schedule an interview. I am not sure this is the right job for me, but it may end up working out OK too. I am going to an interview on Thursday, so we will see what is up with it then.

I also got an email from Robert Half Technology. RHI is the company I first signed up with back in March. I have not done any work for them yet, but I have used their training courses to learn some HR practices. I was thinking of looking for work as a Technical Recruiter, and took the HR Hiring course. The email said they were looking to hire a local Technical Recruiter, so I sent an email over to ask if I would qualify. I don't have any experience, but I do have 20 plus years in IT. Perhaps this will work for me -- it would be a direct hire positon for Robert Half, and I would get benefits (I am certain of that). Plus I think the salary would be good, and the bonus/commission doable.

Update - As I sit here on Tuesday

Right now, I have the following options open to me (in place):

AppleCare Tier 1 Advisor through Kelly IT Services (25 hours per week)
PT IT Support Person at Allied College (interviewed last week)
Interview with SCMI for a PT Web/Graphics person (Thursday)
Email asking for interview for Robert Half Technology as a Technical Recuiter
Plus about a dozen applications and resumes for various other positions (some closed)

More than likely, I will get offered the job with Kelly IT. This position would train me to do Tech Support for Apple, but the pay is so low and the requirements tedious that I really am not sure I want to do it. I actually do want to do it, I just cannot live on the pay. I had thought I could continue to work at Macy's, but I cannot live on both hourly wages -- so really I need a better FT job.

I am in limbo again while I wait for the Lord to do something on my behalf. I am trusting Him for a job. I have made some decisions already, and of those, the main one is to look for a townhome to rent (rather than a house). I need to move to a place where I have no maintenance issues. I want to decorate the inside of my home, and not have to do yard work. I also want a place that is nicely updated, so I have decided not to look to buy a home. Instead, I will just look to rent a really nice place until I am ready to be moved permanently to wherever the Lord chooses.

That is my story today -- now off to get some Advil for my headache! God is so Good to me.

It's Here

2011-06-27T08:00:00.004-07:00

Oh, my aching back and feet! I spent the last two days working Macy's big Super Saturday/Sunday sale, and my entire body aches! I am so bushed this morning, and I have to gear up to work this evening as well. I am behind on school work, and my Dad has been in the hospital since yesterday. Hopefully, he will be sent home today, and then whatever action is required can be followed up by his primary care physician. My Mom is a bit undone -- she gets worried when Dad is not well. I think he will be OK, but at his age, and with some other health issues (which are a normal part of life) do pose a greater concern for her (and me).

My son comes home from camp today, and then leaves on Wednesday to go to California for a missions trip. He will be home one day in between, and then gone again. He will get back on Sunday (July 3), and then five days later, fly to Dallas for a concert date. His life is busy, and very full. I am praying for God's blessing on him as he pursues God's will and plan for his life.

I sit here this morming, drinking my coffee, and I am barely able to focus on the screen as I type this blog post. I am bleary-eyed, and my body doesn't want to cooperate. Even with my high-octane coffee, I feel terrible. I know that my day will get going, and I will get caught up on school work, and I will make it to Macy's tonight. I always am able to do these things, even when I don't feel like doing them. It has something to do with this verse:

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13 NLT

I have been claiming this verse now for several weeks, and so far, I have been able to do some pretty impossible things. Not superhuman impossible, mind you, but just impossible for me, given my back and chronic fatigue. Normally, I couldn't push through this phase, and I would need time off to rest, really rest. Instead, I am pushing through it, feeling as though I cannot do it, but finding myself doing it just the same. It is not my strength, but my Lord's, and without His STRENGTH, I know I couldn't do these things.

Today, I think on this possibility, and I realize that everything I need, I have in Christ Jesus. I have always known this, and as a long-time Christian, was quick to say it whenever I felt overwhelmed or in need. But it has been only in these past years, really these past months, that I have come to BELIEVE it. There is a difference between knowing something and really believing something. I believe GOD is ONE. I believe in Jesus and His finished work on the cross. I believe in Him as my Savior, and I believe that He is coming again. I believe in every part of my being, and I believe that what I know in my head, and feel in my heart -- is TRUE.

I also believe that God is able, somehow, to intervene in my daily life. He is able to breakthrough the dullness, and the difficultly, and make Himself known to me. In doing so, I believe that He is able to direct my steps, not just from some far away place, but from right here, next to me. He is able to point me in the direction I should go, and in doing so, if I follow His direction, He will lead me to where He wants me to be. I believe that when He directs me, if I follow Him, I will be blessed -- blessed in both the going and getting there, but also blessed in the actual doing part, the obedience of following Him. I am blessed for listening to Him, and for heeding Him, and for doing or going in response to His direction. The blessing comes around me, and surrounds me, and upholds me, and in some way, it enables me to do things I simply couldn't imagine myself doing. I do them, I actually do them, but my strength, my heart, my head at times are empty, out of gas, and unable to move forward one inch. God comes and lifts me up, and gives me another gallon of gas, and we go on a mile. It is a miracle, really, a miracle of God, and I stand in AWE of Him today.

I think about this week, and all I have to do, and I cry out to Him and say, "I cannot do it, Lord." He reminds me that He is my STRENGTH, my PORTION and my CUP. I am filled, I have enough, I can do it. My attitude, my willingness to do it is what counts, and not my actual ability. I am willing to allow Him to do it through me, and in this way, He is able to move and go and do whatever He wants or needs to do. My attitude, therefore, is critical. I must be willing, I must allow Him the opportunity to do these things. I have to be willing to allow Him, and in allowing Him, I must first TRUST in His Ability and in His Nature. If He is God, and as God, He is able to do all things -- then I must BELIEVE this, and then TRUST that He will do whatever it is in the best way, the right way, His way.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Trusting Jesus requires knowing Him, and believing that He is God, and that as God, He is able to do all things according to the Father's will. I believe this, and I trust Him to do His work in my life today.

When It Rains

2011-06-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today has turned into a pretty good day for me. After sending my son off to camp (as counselor and band member), I had a nice morning visiting with my good friend, Karen McCall, over some coffee and bagels at a local coffee shop. Then I went to Walmart, and I invested in a weed eater, and another can of paint. I then came home and repainted my hall bathroom. Afterwards, I headed over to my parents for a swim, and dinner out (reverse order). I came home and found an email from a different recruiter regarding a graphics position at a local company near me. I replied, sent a resume, and asked for an interview. All in all, a pretty productive day.

I found out that the background check process with Kelly IT Services can take two weeks, so there is no point in worrying about that job for another week. I am sure I will get hired, and I think it is just a matter of passing the screening. I have no glaring issues on my report, and I am a good driver, clean record, and have no criminal background at all. I cannot think they would stop the process now, especially after I have passed all the appropriate assessments.

This new job opportunity is for part-time graphics/web work, and I think it might be a good fit for me. It could be work-from-home, so coupled with the AppleCare position, I could work FT (two PT jobs) from home. Sweet! I also expect that this position might pay me better than Macy's, so it would mean quitting there, and just working in web design/tech services from this point on. I am feeling good -- I am feeling really, really good.

All of this is to counteract the sort of down evening I had at my folk's house. I love my parents, but they worry about me, and they worry about my DH and tend to get afraid about the "what if's" in life. I try and hold my own, but I usually get really upset, and then feel like I am having to defend myself all the time. I know they mean well, but it wears on me. Right now, I want to get a good job (two good jobs), so I can follow after the Lord, and not let family and friends pressure me. I know they don't mean to do it, and that they only want to help, but sometimes the best way to help is to just be positive and hopeful, and not always critical or so willing to advise.

My goal is to move out of my home, and to do that I need a good job with good income. My prayer now is for the Lord to release to me both of these positions, and to make it possible for me to begin work in one of them very soon. The sooner the better.

Dear Lord,

I am ready for you to do your work, to make this happen, and I am willing to do this work. I know you have a plan, and I know that you will make everything work together for my good. May God be praised today as I trust and rely on Him for this provision. Lord -- have your way in me now. I pray this in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Let's Get Going!

2011-06-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

I got an email from Kelly Services this morning. I am signed up for online training, which is a free resource (like from Robert Half) because I am now contracted with them for work. I haven't gotten my offer to do the AppleCare position, but I am sure that is in the works. I cannot see why they would not place me now, I mean, I have passed all the levels of review and I am pretty solid technically speaking. I think it is just a matter of logistics.

Yesterday, I sent my resume through to the Apothecary Shops again. My cousin, Rich, works there and told me they are looking for a part-time IT person. He keeps telling me to submit my resume, but I think my email is going to their corporate office and not directly to the person who needs to see it. It is OK because I am not sure they are willing to work with me, now that I would only be available in the afternoon. I think this job would make a good second, and then I could let go of Macy's. I thought the "flexible schedule" meant that I had to have a flex schedule, but now in thinking about it, I think they were saying that the job offered some flex. They are looking for a college student, and they would have to factor in a college student's availability. So with this in mind, I think the position might just work. I need the correct person to get my resume, and then perhaps I might be able to do two IT/Tech services jobs instead of working retail (sweet!).

As I ponder over everything that has happened recently, I stand in AWE of my GOD, who has done all of this for me. He has set things in motion, and He is moving out ahead of me to prepare my way. I am reminded of how He led the children of Israel through the wilderness with a cloud by day, a pillar of fire by night.

"By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people." Exodus 13:21-22 NIV

The LORD is leading me through this wilderness to where He wants me to camp, to where I am to sojourn for a time. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for some signs of movement, and now He is moving. It is an exciting time to be following the LORD, and I am so happy that He is taking me where He wants me to go. I know that whatever comes my way, this day, I am completely and comfortably situated right where God has me in mind, right where I am to be, and right where I need to be. He knows me best, and He loves me most, and I am safe in His care and loving embrace.

Will I end up with two new jobs? I think so. It may take some time, and that is probably best since I have to complete my summer school, and that includes writing one 20-page paper. It might be best to continue to work at Macy's until after I complete my training and finish my classes -- then I could devote three weeks (no school) to settling in and getting the hang of things before the fall semester begins. God knows the timing best, so I am leaving it up to Him as to when I might leave Macy's and start a new second job. For now, I am content. I know my needs are covered, and that my GOD is firmly in control of the details of my life. He is so GOOD to me, and I love Him with my entire heart. I love you, Lord!

Memories Flooding Through

2011-06-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

After this morning's outing, I got up the gusto to go back out into the 110 degree heat to run some last minute errands before my son leaves for camp tomorrow. He is working as a counselor/band performer (along with the Adriane Blanco Band). I stopped in to Kirkland's to see what was on sale (everything!), and came away with some wonderful decorating ideas. I have wanted to decorate for many, many years, but I have never had the opportunity to do so. I remember wanting to create a certain look for my home back when I was first married, but my husband didn't put much emphasis into "keeping a home." He was into the college-dorm/out of college bachelor guy look, and didn't see any reason to be any other way. My girl friends who had gotten married before me all kept cute apartments. They devoted themselves to making their new married home sweet and warm and wonderfully welcoming. My home looked like a frat house, with left-overs and mismatched pieces of furniture. Over the course of years, I relied on hand-me downs from family and friends, cast offs really, and I tried my best to make my home look as nice as possible. I wanted a certain style, but with no money, and no support on doing it -- I was always being questioned about what I was doing, what I was thinking, and how I planned on paying for the makeover.It was frustrating for me then, and to this day, I live in a home that has a mis-matched style, with cast offs and hand me downs.

One of the things I want to do, when I can, is style my home according to my preference. As I have gotten older, I am now more interested in how things look, in how they feel, and in the overall way my home greets visitors. I used to be farm/country, and while I still love the cottage look, and shabby chic furnishings, I realize that this is more a habit of mine (being overly frugal), and not necessarily my "style." I am not loaded with resources, so I have to be careful with the little money I do have now. My goal is to create a very warm and welcoming style that suits my needs, and my way of living.

For now, I will have to repurpose some furniture to save money. The first thing up is my living room sofa set. It is a hand-me down from my parents, and while it is a bit slumpy, I think with new slip covers, it can do for a while. I found very nice chocolate slipcovers at Walmart, and I think I will get these as soon as I can. Then I will paint my walls a lovely shade of blue -- sort of a green/blue color. Next, I plan to repurpose my dining room table and chairs. They are currently country green, so I am painting them black. This will cover old paint stains, and will make them look a little nicer. I plan on getting chocolate drapes -- in a lovely fabric to hang at my windows and patio door. I will then accessories with colors in blue, green, some orange/red and brown. I think it will be lovely.

I plan on painting all the walls in my house this same color, and sticking with a simple palatte that matches so there is consistency in my house. My style is modern with some casual elegance tossed in. I love this canvas painting (from Kirklands), and these are the colors I want to use in my home. I also love this clock, and want to have a place to put it in my living room.

I will probably be a little eccletic for a while, because I still love certain aspects of tradition style.

Well, once I get my ideas working, I will post some real photos of my house. For now, it is just nice to dream and make some plans.

I think I Am Hired!

2011-06-23T12:01:00.001-07:00

I just got back from filling out my paperwork for the KellyConnect/AppleCare position. I still haven't received a formal letter, but the paperwork SEEMED to be preemptory, if you know what I mean. I had to sign an agreement on the work-at-home policies regarding this position, and I had to agree to the confidentiality and proprietary nature of the work. It was pretty straightforward, so barring my background screening, I should get hired in the next couple days (I hope). The job won't officially start until July 11, 2011, and then I won't begin taking actual customer calls until I pass the training course and exams. I cannot imagine not passing them, as I am already familiar with Apple products. So keeping my fingers-crossed (not for luck, but just to show my dependance upon God), I am very hopeful that this job is going to work out.

I still don't know what to do about Macy's, but I have had some other ideas, should Macy's decide not to let me move off of PT status. I cannot imagine them doing this, because generally they allow anyone to go PT to Flex. I won't be able to go back to PT, but that is OK. I think Flex will work best, and allow me more control over the hours I do work.

My hope now is to get hired by Kelly IT Services, and then do the training for this program. I think in the long run, this program will enable me to get a good FT position. At the least, I can see other options down the road too. I could get hired directly by Apple (longshot since I don't live near a facility); I could work for one of the Apple Stores; I could springboard this work into another FT position in IT/Technical Services; and I could also remain working from home through KellyConnect in some other position or capacity. I see it as a win-win scenario, regardless of the outcome. I know I can do a good job, and I know I can succeed in this work. I also like the flexible schedule, and the fact that I am using Apple products (which I already use for personal/home use). It just seems like the right job has come to me -- and at the right time. God is so GOOD this way.

What is so amazing for me is that all of a sudden, THINGS are moving in my life. It has been a long, long, long dry spell, where I was totally stuck, and feeling as though I would never find a way out. Then WHAM! I am seeing new jobs posts, and interviewing again. My prayer is that these jobs work out, whereas last time, I started strong, but was rejected after the interview process. I don't see that happening now because I am seeking work through temporary/placement agencies rather than direct hires with companies. I seem to do better in a placement agency than with corporate hires. Perhaps it is just because I interview well in a traditional setting. I did OK with the behavioral interviews, but I prefer this method and approach. It is straightforward, and I like that I can just answer the questions, be friendly and cheerful. I like not being on the spot, so a traditional interview suits me.

My hope now is for confirmation on hiring, and then I can begin the work of getting my office in order. I have a spare room, but I need to have Cox come out and fix my wiring, and I have to have Qwest install a landline with no special services (just phone). This will take a little time, but could easily be done in the next week. Then I have to purchase a new modem and router (mine is so old), and with that, I think my high-speed connection woes will disappear. The spare room needs paint (next week's job), and I will need a desk in there for the Kelly provided computer. I also need to get a boat-load of junk out of the room, pack up extra books, remove the old TV no one watches anymore, and reorganize the closet to accept my son's digital piano and my cello (for use and storage purposes). Then I think the room will look like a professional office space (which is a requirement). Other than this work and a new blind (the one in there is GROSS), I will get some accessories, a new lamp for my desk, and probably a new chair. Overall, I think it will look great, and be a nice quiet space for me to work from home and study for school.

I will need to upgrade my computer. I am using my old PC (10 years old) as my newer HP died on me a couple weeks ago. I would like to purchase an IMAC 27" for my own personal use, but that will have to wait a little while. I am planning on getting an iPhone 3GS as soon as possible, and my son wants the iPhone 4. I have planned this for over a year, but never did it because I thought it was impossible. When my Verizon phone failed two months ago, I should have done it, but I didn't want to rock the boat and dump our service. Plus I thought I might get the iPhone from Verizon. The issue has been cost, and Verizon doesn't seem to be too interested in making their services affordable. Oh well...

My new goal for the summer is to get on board with this job, to get settled and then to move. I have decided that as soon as the Lord provides another home for me, I will go. I need to be out of this home for a number of reasons, the primary one being that our lienholder acts more like a landlord than a financial instituion. Even though we own this home, the paper holder constantly interferes in our business, calling our insurance agent, etc. He is out of line, but we never stood up to him because we thought he might call our loan. He has had this power over us for 12 years, and I am fed up. I want out of this house, and know that I can buy another similar home in my neighborhood, and slash a good $400 off my mortgage each month.

I believe that this is the Lord's will too, so I am trusting Him to provide this to me. I will wait for His choice on a home, and then I will move. I think it will be soon, so I need to get ready. I have already started painting, and each week, I have tackled one room. The first week, I painted my bathroom. The second, my bedroom. This week, the hall bathroom (after repairing the wall last week). Next week, it is my son's bedroom and the spare room (plus hall, if I can do it). The last week will be for the Living/Dining/Kitchen and Laundry area. All of this will freshen my home, and then with some major decluttering, I am hoping to be able to sell my home for what I owe on it. I am not even worried about making money. I need to sell it for the paper and closing costs. Then I can move out and be done with my life in this house.

For a long while, I felt bad about leaving this home. There are many memories here, but really, the memories are bittersweet. I have not had good memories, in general, since moving to AZ. There have been some happy times, of course, but generally the majority of my life has been filled with struggle, financial worry, and a constant fear of reprisal from the law/government. I am free now, free inside, and soon to be free outside. I am ready to walk away, and to live a life that is wholly responsible to my Lord, my son, and my parents (since I care for them). I am ready to take on this responsiblity, and I have been doing so regularly for nearly a full year. I can do it now, and I am no longer afraid of what might or might not be. I cannot explain it other than to say that God has enabled me to see His Hand, and to Trust Him so much that I can stand up and not be afraid, even when I don't know what tomorrow will bring my way. He has done this for me, and I am able to stand up, to say "it will be OK" and really, really mean it. I am OK!

To God be the Glory forever and ever, AMEN!

I Am All Right

2011-06-22T20:57:00.002-07:00

This afternoon, my son and I went over to my parent's house for a swim. It was really hot today, at least 110 degrees, and the pool was wonderfully cool and refreshing. We normally have dinner with them, but since we had already met them for lunch (at Chick-fi-la), none of us were very hungry. Instead we had snack foods (chip and dip) and some watermelon. It was a nice afternoon treat.

While we were with them, we had a discussion about my current situation, specifically my living arrangements. My folks are not pleased with the status of things. While they were so saddened at the turn of events regarding my relationship with my husband, they have since come to terms with our separation and eventual divorce. My parents would like me to get moving, to get on with things, but they understand that so far I have not been able to do that, and they accept it. It is one of those "we may not like it, but we understand there is nothing that can be done about it."

If anything, my folks have staunchly supported me and my son. They have always supported us -- financially, and in other ways -- and they are still there standing by us. They have never tried to separate us, or get in the middle of our personal life. And, throughout the course of the past twenty-thirty years, they have seen a lot of things that they haven't liked or agreed with, but they kept their mouths shut (so to speak). They have been there for me, and they have stepped in when I needed their help. I am so grateful to them for their provision all these years, and for the fact that while they have not always been happy about the choices and the outcomes, they have always tried to be open and honest, and genuine in their care and concern for me and for my son.

As we were talking, I couldn't help but tell my parents about my thoughts on moving. They are more open to the subject now, and even have considered down-sizing themselves. The issue of course is that until I can fully support myself, I am unable to move away. God is preparing me for a move, this is for certain, and I know that it is something that will take place very soon. Even now as I write this post, I think to myself, "I cannot really support myself (as in not having enough money), yet each month, I am the one doing all the supporting." I have had to pay the mortgage again, and I will pay most of the bills -- even without my extra financial aid, the Lord has provided ENOUGH money to cover these bills. I don't know how it is possible because literally there is not ENOUGH to stretch to fit. But, it fits, the bills get covered, and everything moves on.

I realized today that the truth of the matter is that for the past year, I have been supporting myself and my son on the money the Lord's hand has provided to me. I believed erroneously that I couldn't move out or away because I didn't have the "magic number," the amount I thought I needed before I could move. The Lord has shown me that I do not need ENOUGH or any particular amount because I have HIM, and with HIM I always have more than ENOUGH. He makes ends meet, He causes it all to work out, and He makes everything possible.

As I ponder this very thought, I can begin to understand that my fear about not having ENOUGH was consuming me. And when I think about my family, and my brothers who have all, at one time or another, worked two-three jobs to support their families, I find comfort. Sometimes they drove very long distances, and sometimes they worked until they were so beat that we worried about their physical wellness. They did exactly what I have been doing, working as hard as I can, and putting all the effort into making a good life. God provided for them, and He is providing for me. I know that what I am doing is right, and that I am approaching my life situation realistically and with optimism (my hope is in the Lord). I am OK, and it is all because of God's Grace and Mercy. He has done this for me, and I give Him all the Praise and Adoration.

I admit that I have been consumed by fear about my financial well-being, but the truth is that I am so well-set that I need nothing right now. Everything I need has already been provided to me. I may not have it in my hand, but the Lord has it, and He will give it to me right when I need it most.

I told my parents that I would like to purchase a small home in my neighborhood. I saw it listed today, and it is for sale for $68K. It is a Fannie Mae foreclosure, and the downpayment required is only 3%. I would need a total of $5k to move into this home. In this home, my monthly mortgage payment, with insurance and taxes, would be about $400. That is a whopping $400 less than my current home financing through a private individual. I could live comfortably in this little home. It is on a nice street, and except for needing some paint, the house is move-in ready. It is empty, so there would be no issue with people having to move out of it. Of course, my parents wonder how in the world I could even consider such a thing, but when I told them that I checked rent in my neighborhood and that this same size house rents for $1000-1200 per month, I think they understood my plan.

I would like to move into this home. It is close to my current home, and is still very close to everything we need to access. It would be a good place for me to live for the next few years, and with two PT or one FT job, I could make the payments easily. I see it as a totally realistic option for me. Now, I have to consider the Lord's hand and His provision. If He chooses to provide this home to me, then I would be happy to receive it as a gift. The Lord has demonstrated His ability to provide to me, and there is absolutely no reason for me to continue to believe that I cannot move out now. I can, and I am ready to do so.

Lord, if this is your will for me, then I ask that you provide two jobs to me so that I can qualify for a mortgage through the government. I also ask that this home is still available, and that you would enable me to find favor with the government agent so I could purchase it. I am trusting you to provide a home, any home of your choosing, and I ask now for your blessing upon me. In Jesus' Name I ask this and pray, Amen.

Another New Day

2011-06-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

It is a good day here in Phoenix. It will be hot, very hot -- up to 113, the weather guys predict. I really don't like it when it is this hot, but oh well, such is the life of a desert rat. I would prefer a more moderate temperature, but then I would contend with humidity, and that brings all sorts of issues along with it. For now, I am content to stay here in Phoenix, and continue to wait upon the Lord.

I finished my onboarding paperwork with Kelly IT Services, and tomorrow, I go down to submit my I9 paperwork. I still don't have a job offer, and I still don't know if I will get this job with AppleCare or not. Oh well, again, what can I do but wait upon my precious Lord and trust Him to work out all the sticky details.

I have made some provision, some plans, some thoughts about things -- those these are all dependant on this one job (or a job). I am not sure how Macy's will take to me working this hours, and I don't know how I will pick up hours, but this is all in God's hands, and I have to let it be.

I do have some GREAT News. The other day I applied for a bank card with my bank. I really didn't want to do it, but the teller said I was already approved, so I said OK. I thought for sure I would get turned down, just like all the times in the past, but I got a call from my bank yesterday saying that I had been approved. My credit limit is low, a little less than my Capital One card, but it is a good start. Now I am squarely on the road to recovery. My credit score is getting better each month, and as long as I continue to pay my bills on time, then I will be able to get a mortgage or a car loan or whatever I may need in the future.

I am not a credit-hound, as some people are, and since my credit was nearly destroyed due to bad business and financial practices, I am more concerned about being financially set, then being in debt. I don't want debt at all, but to be able to buy a home or major purchase, you need good credit. Also, prospective employers often look at your credit score to determine your stability. I want to show that I am a good employee and not offer any reasons for being turned down.

My goal now is to be steady, a steady employee, a steady financial planner, and a steady servant of the Most High. My role is to do His will, and that means to be able to do it. God is not about credit cards, and building wealth, though He does use the world's markets and money system to accomplish His purposes at times. The Lord uses what is at His disposal (which is everything), but He doesn't misuse (He cannot). Therefore, as long as I am being a good steward of His Provision to me, He will continue to provide and use those resources to produce His work in me and through me. He will not only provide a home, a job, a car, etc., but also He will provide me with the tools and resources I need to be able to go where ever He needs me to go (perhaps a short term missions trip?) These things, all these things require money, credit, health benefits, etc. You cannot go to a foreign country with no money, no health protection, and so on. God needs to cover us with His Blessing so that we can go to some of these places. Granted there are places right at home needing our time and money too. If we have no money to give, then we can give of our time. Sometimes, though, money is what is needed. You cannot feed the poor or clothe the homeless on nothing -- it is just as the Word tells us -- we cannot send a person in need away with well-wishes. We are to provide out of our bounty, and thus we share God's love in a tangible way.

I am all about this now. I give because God has given to me. My money is not mine, it is His, and He has provided it to me for His Name and His Work. I share it with whom He says to share it with, and then God replenishes my stock. He keeps me feed, sheltered, and warm/cool based on His love and protection. I share my gifts, He praises me for my willingness to let them go, and I get rewarded by His Sweet Pleasure. It is a good deal, and I love doing it for Him and for others.

I am about ready to head out to my cello lesson. I am thanking the Lord for my cello, and for my teacher who loves to teach me and her other students. It is always a very happy time for us both. I will wait on the Lord regarding the other matter (Kelly), and I will trust Him to work it all out for my good and His Good Pleasure.

Praising the Lord today, Thanking Him for His Mercy and Grace, and Trusting Him for His Continual Provision and Hope.

Thinking How This Might Work

2011-06-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

OK, so I am pretty happy about this job opportunity, but my family seems to feel it is "not good enough." I don't get it, really I don't. I know it is not enough money, but there is a part of me that is so tired of trying, so tired of looking for work, interviewing for work, and coming up short with no work at all. I want this to be over, and I do want a full-time position so I can live on my own, and start moving forward. The problem is that I simply cannot find FT work, at the least, not here in Phoenix. I seem to do OK with PT work, and that seems to be what the Lord has in mind for me.

What do I do? I have been praying about this job opportunity all day. My family keeps offering other options, other jobs (which I have applied, but heard nothing on), and they seem to want me to wait. The problem, again, is waiting. I am so tired of waiting, so tired of just hanging on. I know that there are good times to wait, and I know that waiting is often God's answer -- waiting for His Best. The problem, is that sometimes you can wait too long, sometimes you can miss opportunities because you are waiting for something that simply will not come to pass.

I have waited so long, been so patient, and here I am still waiting for God to bring a job to me. I happen to have a job, which my Uncle reminded me of today. He said, "Carol, it was really a miracle the way God provided a job for you to do so you could get through this well." Yes, Uncle, you are right! I may not like Macy's and at times, I really don't like the policy they make -- but God did indeed provide a job for me that has enabled me to live comfortably. My financial aid helped get me through the year, and right now, while money is tight, I know that Macy's is still there providing some money to me each month. I am blessed, truly blessed by God's provision of good work.

What I would like is a job that makes oodles of money so I can no longer worry about how to pay bills and such. But, for now, I have some issues to deal with, and these issues will not go away for another year. The first issue is that I am a full-time graduate student, and as such, my schooling has to come first. I cannot do anything, any job that will interfere with my schooling. Secondly, my son is a college student, but he doesn't drive yet. He plans on getting his license this summer, so that will open up a way for him to get to school. The caveat is that he must have a car. If I work from home, he can drive my car to school. If I work someplace else, he is dependent on others to get him to and from school. Minor issues include my cello lesson and chamber group. Certainly I could give these up, but these are things the Lord has provided to me, and they are my gift back to Him. I play for Him, and He provides lessons and a group to perform music.

Right now, my life is complicated. I am in need of a certain amount of money to live on, but I also need some flexibility to my schedule. Macy's has done that for me, and this job would do it as well. I wish the pay were better, of course I do, but it is what it is. I am content to do this work, to do it for one year (that was the committment). After a year, I will have my MA and perhaps I can then look for teaching work (online, part-time) and then the combination would make me enough money. Perhaps God has another answer -- so be it -- so right now, I think I will trust the Lord and see what comes from this interview.

The way I see it right now is this way:

Work 25 hours per week as an AppleCare Advisor
Work 15 hours per week as a Sales Associate at Macy's
Finish my MA degree in May 2012
Begin looking for adjunct teaching positions in June 2012

This means one more year of working at Macy's, but 15 hours might be better for me. It would be two nights and either Saturday or Sunday (opposite of my schedule with the other job). As far as income, I think both jobs will net me about ($125.70 from Macy's; $228.75 from Kelly IT = $354.45 per week/$1417.80 per month). I am short about $582.20, but with my financial aid, I am OK. If I can figure out how to pay my summer school without using my financial aid package, then when it comes due, I will have quite a significant influx to take me through the winter and spring.

It is only one more year, and I can do it -- with His Grace. I am trusting the Lord so completely, and I know that He will make a way.

Dear Lord,

I love you and I trust you. I am looking to you for your provision and I understand that I will have to work two jobs to see this through to the end. I know that once I finish my schooling, I will get a good job. You have always promised me a good job at this point. I ask now that you would provide a good job for me -- whichever job you want, I will do it. I am looking to you, and I believe you will do this for me. I ask this in Jesus Name, Amen.

Interview Success!

2011-06-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

I just finished my second interview (over the phone), and it went very well. This position is with Kelly IT Services, and is a long-term contract. The actual work is as Technical Advisor for Apple. The job itself is work-from-home, and the pay is more than Macy's, but less than I really need. The job looks very doable, but it would be very hard for me to keep on working at Macy's, unless I moved to on-call or flex-team. I am not adverse to doing this, and will have to find out about it tomorrow night.

I like the idea of working for Apple. It is not the kind of job I am hoping for, but I think short-term (for a year or two), it will work ok. First of all, it is from home, which benefits me as far as my studies and cello. Secondly, it is with Apple, and I would receive actual training which would make it a good resume builder. Also, it would enable me to look for other work in Technical Support, and perhaps even get a management position. I am thinking about taking the position because the work hours are better for me. I am also looking for a second job, but now think I might have to stick with Macy's for a while longer.

There are some logistics issues -- first, I need a special place for my office; second, I need to get a phone line. Other than that, I think I could manage this job for a year or so.

So, I am pretty excited. I like the idea of the job, and I like the work. It will be pretty easy, low key, and since it is from home, my body will be in better shape. I am pleased, and I am thanking the Lord for His Mercy and Grace.

Feeling So Out of It Today

2011-06-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

WOW! It has been a real killer of a day so far. First, I didn't sleep well at all, and when I finally got up, I found my entire kitchen floor and counters covered with ants! These guys are getting the best of me, and I am up to HERE with them! I am so ready to throw in the towel and just move -- anywhere -- that I can barely stand it. I have never had such attacks before, not like this, not with such vengeance. At the least I didn't get bitten. The last army were biters, and those are by far the worse kind. These ones were the more "en masse" type, just an overload of ants getting into every thing they could find. I even had them in my drawers, and I had to take everything outside and leave it laying in the sun.

I was dressed for my interview, ready to go out the door, and worried about all the RAID spray, and bleach -- oh my -- what if? Well good news, I survived the ants, and I made it to my interview on time. The position sounds interesting, though I think I am over qualified (again!) They may want someone younger too -- I am too old to be doing this kind of work. I could be an IT Manager really easily, but this is just a part-time support role. Oh well, not much I can do about it. If they like me, then perhaps I will end up hired. If not, then I hope they can find someone really good. I liked the people, I liked the school, and I think I would like to work there. I am pretty open these days. I am ready to do anything besides Macy's, and if this works out, hurrah! If not, then I know I am on the right track and the right job will come to pass.

I am sitting here now, blogging and finishing up my lunch. I have another interview with an IT Recruiter at 2 p.m. I am wondering now about this position too. My hope is that I can get hired doing anything -- just anything at all. I really am so tired. Macy's One-Day Sale did me in, and I have a lot of reading to finish today. I really, really, really need a break from all of this, from my entire life.

Dear Lord,

I am so tired, and I feel overwhelmed right now. I need your help to provide good work for me. Help me to know what to do, what job to pursue, and open the RIGHT door for me. I am willing, so very willing to do this work. I just ask now that you would provide a GOOD job to me, a job that MEETS your criteria. I am tired of trying to figure this out on my own. I am tired of trying to find a job. I ask now that you would provide a job that works for YOU, a job that would please YOU, and a job that accomplishes your WILL for my life. I am ready to let it all go, the job and all. I am ready to do your will FULLY, COMPLETELY, and without reservation for YOUR NAME and YOUR GLORY. Amen, amen, amen.

Status Update

2011-06-16T17:11:00.001-07:00

It has been about ten days since I last posted to my blog. Not much as changed, really, but I have had some new opportunities open up. I am still working at Macy's, and will be heading out to another shift tonight. However, I am hopeful that I will have some other work options very soon.

Since my last blog post, I have made a conscious decision to look for work in a more general IT position. I have also taken some time to complete IT coursework that will polish my skills. So far so good.

On Monday, I have an interview for a part-time position at a local private college. The position is for an Information Technology Specialist, and the hours would be convenient for me. The hourly fee is more than what I am making at Macy's -- but I still will have to keep on working at Macy's just to make ends meet.

I also took an assessment profile and online test for Kelly IT Services. This position is for Technical Sales/Support and is also a part-time, work from home position. The hourly fee is a little more than Macy's, and the hours would be OK since they would be at home. However, it is on-call, and that would mean that I would be in my home office from 6-1 every day (with no real breaks). I am not sure I want to do this work, but I am open to it, should the Lord open up that door for me.

I have several other resumes out, though none have generated interest yet.

My goal right now is to find a job that will pay me $12.50 per hour, for 40 hours per week. I would like more per hour than this, but I can live comfortably at this rate. If I work 20 hours at Macy's for $8 per hour, then I could easily work at another job that pays $10 per hour for 20 hours. I am still coming up short, and with taxes, etc., I am not really able to make enough to cover everything. I am willing to work one or two jobs so long as either or neither conflict with my schooling.

Oh, how I wish I could just find one job that would pay me a decent wage and include benefits?

Well, that is my story. It seems like things are opening up and I am happy for that change. I am uncertain as to how I will make it, but God is my Provider, and He seems to be doing something in the background.

More On Doing His Will

2011-06-06T17:02:00.002-07:00

I am so sick today! Yesterday at work, I about coughed myself silly. I am sure my customers were not happy about me hacking all over their purchases (I did cough into my elbow - like you are supposed to do). Still, the air conditioning caused all sorts of dust to fly around the Petites register, and I simply was overwhelmed by it all. Now, I think I have a summer head cold (stuffy, and feeling full). My ears hurt earlier today, but now are a little bit clearer. Anyhoo, I wish I didn't have to work this evening, but oh well...

I applied for some more positions today, this time, just following the Lord's leading on them. I am not certain about any of these jobs, and I am trusting Him to bring me something soon. I have been patiently waiting for another work opportunity, and so far, I have only had interviews, but no offers. I am positiive that there is something out there for me, and that it will come into view very, very soon.

I am settled on working and focusing on God's will. Every time I get focused on the job, I lose my way, and become obsessed with the job as well as wracked with fear. I cannot live that way, I choose NOT to live that way. I am asking the Lord now to release me for His work, to open a door to practical work for me (a weekly/daily job), and to provide whatever He has in mind for me. I am ready to move away as well, so I am open to anything, and everything. My will Lord is surrendered to Yours now -- may Your Will be done!

I am also content to stick with the plans the Lord has for my life and that includes finishing my MA program at Mercy, and then going to Regent University. I read through some older posts where I felt adamant that the Lord wanted me at Old Dominion or ASU. But in hindsight, I know that while both schools were His will, only Regent is the one that fits His plans perfectly. I am content now to go to Regent, to study online and to complete that program in Biblical Communications. I am reminded by Him that my schooling is for His work, and not for a career. Regent is all about Him, and that is where I first wanted to go, and where the Lord first sent me to check out graduate school. I know this is His way, so I am OK with it. No more wavering, no more waffling -- just straight on until morning (you know -- flying along like Peter Pan!)

Furthermore, some things are changing for my son, and I am greatly encouraged. I took him out to lunch today, and he confided in me that he is indeed planning to get his AA in Audio Engineering, and a BA in Music. I mentioned the "unmentionable" again, but now I know that I have to let this go. He knows he has to study piano again, and that he has to go and see the counselor at school to be approved for this program. It is up to Him now -- the Lord -- and for my son to be obedient to the Lord's call on his life. I know this is God's plan, it always has been, but the details got all wonky and fuzzy, and I worried over them. God told me to relax and let this be, and I should have listened. God is GOOD that way, and He always works every detail out to be a perfect fit to His will.

So for me, that simply means that my plan is set and fixed. It will not change. I am to go to Mercy and then Regent. I will graduate with honors (doing my best, trusting the Lord for the rest), and I will do His work. For a job, I will work in some corporate endeavor, doing something technical, I am sure. It is what I can do, and the Lord will maneuver me into the position of His choosing. I am not to focus on the job or the salary or even the location -- just the work at hand -- which is my schooling, my language study, and my music study. The rest is in His hand, and the rest is up to Him.

I let it all go, I really did. I confessed my trust in His Name, and I let the details go. I cannot hold onto them anymore, and I have no control whatsoever. I am dependent on Him, and I am waiting for His provision. Until it comes, I just keep on doing what He has told me to do. I wait, He provides. It works for me. I am happy, and I am content to be doing God's will. God is so very GOOD to me.

Update: Job

Since I posted this in June, a lot has happened. I stopped looking for work as a career, and accepted the Lord's provision of a JOB. The JOB has turned out to be with the University of Phoenix (Lord willing, and barring no issues with my background check). It is a full-time, salaried and benefitted position, and I am so thankful to the Lord for this JOB. I hope to receive an offer soon, and this will mean I can quit Macy's (PTL!) and start moving forward in my schooling, cello, language study, etc. All the other areas now can be accelerated because my focus will no longer be on getting a JOB. Of course, there is always the chance I won't get hired, and if that happens to be the case, so be it. God knows my needs, and His will be done. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.

Heading out to Macy's

2011-06-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

I have about twenty-thirty minutes before I have to head out to work at Macy's today. I have applied for a couple more jobs, adding them to my Excel spreadsheet. I am looking more proactively, and considering any job that will pay me a fair wage and not conflict with my schooling. I am struggling today with allergies, and with this awful taste whenever I cough. It is from the post-nasal drip that has gone down my throat. Yuck!

As I get ready to head out to work, I am thankful for the opportunity to work today. I will be earning money that will enable me to buy food and gas and pay for my school books. It is not enough to live on comfortably, but it is Ok for now. The Lord is providing the balance to me, and I am confident that I will get a job very soon. I have plenty of feelers out, and I am applying to staffing companies now (temp agencies, recruiters, etc.) Hopefully, this approach will generate some new leads and more definite help.

I am happy and content today, even though I feel under the weather. I don't want to work, but I am scheduled, and so be it. I would rather be at home, because besides this crappy cough, my head really hurts too. I hope I am not getting a sinus infection or a post-secondary lung infection. Neither would be good for me, and the Lord knows that I cannot miss school.

Oh well, I will plod on today, and try and think of better things. God knows my needs today, and He understands how badly I feel right now. I cannot call out, so I have to go to work. It will be OK, God is on my side, and He is right here to help me make it through. Praise be to God, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit! God is so GOOD to me today.

Learning

2011-06-04T08:48:00.004-07:00

I logged into my blog today to find a comment posted from a nice person who had stopped by recently. The links they supplied were supportive and encouraging (so thank you!). I visited each site, read with interest, and was pleased that someone wanted to offer me help and support. I am at a point in my life where I have done everything I can do regarding my relationship with my hushand. I have been in counseling, and I have turned to the One who is able to heal and restore my marriage.

At this point, six years into this particular trial, it looks very much like I will not have the pleasure of being restored in such a way. I have patiently waited, and I have devoted myself to Bible study, prayer, fasting, marriage counseling, and even grief counseling. I have made the decision to wait for the Lord, to rely upon Him, and to live my life in such a way that brings honor to His Name. I am still here, living in the same home, and with the same man that I married almost 27 years ago (in September). We share a child, and we share a roof. We are cordial to one another, but my life is directed towards the Lord, and his life is following after his own pursuits. He still attends church with us, and he acts as though he enjoys it (sings, prays, listens to the message), but there is no change, no inward or outward sign of change. He has gone through counseling as well, and like the many times in the past, he believes it is up to me to accept him as he is, to let by-gones be by-gones, and to live with the choices he makes.

This is how it has always been. The sin is confronted, the pain ensued, and then silence. Nothing changes, nothing ever changes. The behavior goes underground, lays dormant for a time, and then will re-occur. The problem is that for me, I am no longer willing to live this way, to pretend that everything is OK, when it is not. I believe strongly what the Word of God says about sin, and I believe that as believers we are not to silently allow those within our midst to continue to live in sin.

2 Timothy 2:22 NLT says,

Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.

Young men often are foolish, and often do things that they shouldn't. Older men are cautioned, warned, to flee youthful lusts, and to pursue right living. In doing so, they are better able to control their minds and bodies, and live a life that brings honor to the Lord. The problem is that for many young men, addictions occur, and rather than overcoming them through the victory of the blood in Christ, they simply hide them, and hope that they will go away.

This past Sunday, our Pastor preached on the devil. He made a funny remark about how some people choose to ignore Satan. He equated this behavior with bullies on the playground. You know that most teachers and school psychologists tell kids to ignore the bully and to avoid contact with him or her, and that the bully will go away. Studies have shown that avoidance and ignorance do nothing to make the bully go away, and that these actions only deepen the interest of the bully. Often this behavior leads to a more aggressive attack by the bully.

In the same way, Christians who believe that Satan will leave them alone if they ignore him are also setting themselves up for a great attack. The Word tells us to stand fast, to take hold, to put on the whole armor of God. We are not to engage the enemy, but we are to stand fast, to stand up, and to be ready because we WILL be attacked.

The problem with avoidance and ignorance is that by employing these tactics, the issue rarely ever is addressed or goes away. It goes unnoticed for a time, but generally speaking, it always resurfaces again. Just like our real battle with Satan...if we choose to ignore him, he will not go away. If we try and avoid him, he will just follow us around.

When dealing with matters of intimacy, and unfaithfulness, the issue is complex. It is not easy to simply suggest turning to God in prayer, and to study your Bible. Yes, these two things are paramount to any healing process. The issue is complex because it deals with two individuals, two people who may or may not want the same things.

My church, Paradise Valley Community Church, seeks restoration for marriages, but also accepts that some marriages will end in divorce. My old church, didn't hold this view. They were restoration only. In fact, this is where we attended and went through counseling. I was very distraught initially, and while I received wonderful help in nurturing my wounded heart, I received no counseling regarding my marriage. In fact, my husband received counseling as well, but when he chose to end those sessions, no one bothered to even follow up. No one wanted to touch the subject of divorce or to even suggest other alternatives. My former church was a large Bible mega-church, with a well-known counseling center. I don't fault them or their practices at all, I simply found that they were out of touch with the reality of my situation.

In my despair, I turned to my parent's church, which not only supported me, but enfolded me, and has over the past two years, been there for me. I have received more practical care in this loving community than in my previous 13 years at the other church. Moreover, I have been given my options. I have been counseled Biblically on my options, and I know my choices now. It is not just pray about it, Carol or try another Bible study on the matter; no, it is more real and more frank. I am choosing to remain married for this season in my life. I will not end my marriage until the Lord says, "enough." Until then, I am moving forward as best I can, living my life as best I can, and raising my teen-age son as best I can.

Am I hopeful? Sometimes I think I see a glimmer of hope. Usually, it lasts just an instant, it is like the last embers of the fire, slowly going out. I will find something or see something or hear something, and then I am reminded that there is no hope. After so long a time, the only one who can restore that hope is the Lord. If He chooses to do so, then it will be. However, if He chooses to separate us, then it will be as well. I go and I do what the Lord asks of me, and I trust Him for His provision.

I am sorry that I am so hard-nosed about this situation, and that I am no longer accepting of restoration solutions. I would love to be married, and I would love to have the intimacy that can exist in a God-centered, God-honoring marriage. I don't have that, and I have never had it. My hope and my prayer is for restoration of the soul, restoration of peace, and restoration of mind. I am no longer hopeful for restoration of a marriage. I am content to live my life in an unmarried state. I am content to live my life as a married person. God is the One who determines my status, and right now, I am married but separated (emotionally, mentally and spiritually). The Lord will determine whether I am to be separated physically, and up until now, this has not taken place.

Lastly, I love the Lord with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul, and with every ounce of strength that I have in my body. He is my all, and my complete satisfaction and sufficiency. I love Him, I trust Him, and I believe that He is God alone. Whatever happens to me, whatever becomes of me, God will be glorified because this is my deepest heart's desire.

I asked the Lord once why it is that I am suffering so, and He voice returned to me, "You have chosen to glorify Me." It is a funny thing, but the Lord is correct. In all my praise and adoration, I consistently speak these words, "Lord, I glorify your Name." I cannot help it, but this is the word that my heart utters most frequently. Some people choose to praise the Lord, others choose to worship the Lord. I only want to glorify Him, and that means to suffer for Him. The only way the Lord is glorified is by Himself (as in Jesus' death on the cross) or when believers suffer in Christ-like ways. Righteous suffering brings Him glory; not personal or fleshly suffering. It is only when we suffer unjustly, unfairly, and without merit, that the Lord receives our frail little offering of glory.

My heart and mind are conformed to bring Him glory, and I guess for this season in my life, that equates to my suffering unfairly and unjustly and for righteousness-sake. I am not bothered by this fact, and I don't think about it too often. Every now and then, when it gets really hard and downright nasty, then I wonder if my suffering is bringing Him glory. Mostly, I just plod on, and mostly I ask Him "why, Lord?" I know the answer, but my mind doesn't always remember the reason why. Then He gently reminds me, and I accept it, and I surrender to it. It works out OK and I know that someday I will be glorified too. I will be with Him, and I will receive my crown of Righteousness. I am happy to think about that day, and I look to it, knowing that I am running this race of faith, and at times, I don't understand it at all. I don't get it, and I don't always like what happens to me. But, I press on and I keep on running -- looking to my loving Savior, and His open and waiting arms.

I press on, I press on, I press on. Amen, so be it, thy will be done.

On the Move

2011-06-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Well, some new changes have taken place today, and it is about time for me to turn in for the night, so I thought I would write a quick blog post. First off, I have taken a new approach to the job hunt. Instead of focusing on high paying, competitive jobs, I am now seeking jobs that would work for me in the short term. Instead of saying I wanted a career position, I am simply now looking for part-time or full-time work that pays better than Macy's. I also need work that will not kill me as much, and where I can sit down from time to time. I know that there are jobs out there like this, and so my search has narrowed in on these kinds of jobs.

Secondly, I have opened the door to becoming a recruiter. I have had several offers and suggestions in this direction, and I hesitated initially because I thought the pay would be too low and the work too hard. I have since found out that the pay would work for me, and most positions are 40 hours per week.

Thirdly, I realize that I need to change my resume, and work someplace where I can list a supervisor. I cannot get hired being unemployed, and my previous employment was for my husband. I need steady work, and now that I have been at Macy's for almost a year, I am in a good place to move on to another kind of job.

Lastly, I am open to relocating now -- to go where the Lord leads. I had a conversation with my Mom tonight, and she said that they want to move where ever I go and where ever my son attends college. I can see this happening now, but I need a good solid job so that I can help care for them. My goal then is to find a new career that would develop next year or the year after, whenever my son is ready to go on for his BA degree (2012 or 2013). I am open to whatever career that might be, and I am willing to do prep work now to make that happen.

Dear Lord,

I have applied for ten more jobs, and I ask now that you would begin to open up these doors so that I could leave Macy's (thank you for this job), and begin something that will not be so physically grueling for me. I need more hourly pay, and I know now that I can work for $12-15 and be able to make all the bills. It would be better to earn about $20, but I realize that I need to restart my work career, and that I have to begin at the bottom again. I am OK with this, so I ask that you bring me whichever job you think will work out best for us, and for my schooling. I ask this now in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Stepping Out in Faith

2011-06-02T22:27:00.003-07:00

Well I could describe my day as being fairly crappy. First, I woke up to more ants in my kitchen, laundry and bathroom. Secondly, I continued feeling so depressed about some recent developments here at home, and generally, I didn't want to get out of bed (except that I was getting pounced on by my cats, so what could I do?) Lastly, I was feeling stubborn, and I didn't want to play nice -- so you get it, just a really awful and crappy day!

After getting up and moving, and tackling some of the ant issues, I finally got dressed. I headed out to Walmart later in the afternoon, stopped in at Petco for cat food, and then came home. In between, I took a short hours nap, and spent the rest of the day (before and after) applying to more positions on Careerbuilder.com.

It took a while for me to get over my depression and bad mood, but finally I was able to formulate a perception change. You see, the Lord and I had discussed my options, and while I wasn't thrilled with the outcome, I had to accept the fact that for the present time, I am stuck here in Phoenix. I may not want to be here, and I accept that this was my choice, even after several offers from the Lord to move elsewhere. Now I am dissatisfied with that outcome, but there is nothing I can do, nothing at all.

I started to apply to some jobs, and I asked the Lord why He was having me do this now. I mean, I am fed up, depressed, and I really don't care anymore. I know that I cannot work at Macy's much longer, and that I need to make more money, just to live comfortably. I have looked, and looked, and looked, and no jobs have come to pass yet. Plus, I have looked and applied to a wide range of good jobs, but I have found that I am not being considered for them. I feel stuck, really stuck -- yet I know I have to keep on trying, at the least, I cannot throw up my arms and choose to do nothing about my situation. The Lord has told me that I need a job, and I agree (yes, Lord!) The issue has been on what kind of job I can do, and I think I finally understand what He has been saying to me.

The Lord has consistently told me that there are NO JOBS in Phoenix. I certainly have found this out, and after applying hundreds of times, I thought I understood His meaning. However, what I finally grasped was that He was telling me that there would be NO JOB that would provide a career for me here in Phoenix. There are plenty of JOBS, just no career positions. I also know that my decision to remain in Phoenix meant that I would have to stay here until I finished my schooling at Mercy College (2012). This means I have one more year here in Phoenix, and that I will not find a career type JOB until I have my MA degree completed.

I know my schooling comes first and that means that after I finish at Mercy, I will begin straight away at Regent University (Lord willing). I will have another 3-5 years of schooling until I am done with my practical training. Then I will have a short break before I begin my Bible training, and that will happen later in my life, near age 62 or there abouts. For me, and for career purposes, once I have my MA, I will begin a JOB that I will do until I retire at 62-65. I have practically speaking about 13-15 years of work ahead of me, and I have been focusing on finding JOBS that fit that timeline. Moreover, I also know that I need to have a JOB that will enable me to gain management experience (people, programs or resources), and that has also been my focus. I have not found JOBS that fit these specifics, and after so many tries, I am bone-weary and worn out.

So today, amidst all my grumbling and disagreeing, I finally got it sorted (I think). I have been looking for career JOBS in Phoenix when all I needed was a paying JOB for short term purposes. Macy's has fit the bill, but it is taking it's toll on me. Furthermore, I thought I needed to make between 4-6K to really make ends meet, even though I know 2K would do. I have been looking for higher paying jobs when I should have been looking for practical work that pays $12-16 per hour. I really can get by on as little as $12 per hour (or $2k per month). I would prefer to earn closer to $20, but that is ideal and not as critical. I wrote out a payscale equivalent chart to follow when I am applying so that I can see that even a lower paying position could work for me.

I returned to Careerbuilder.com and started to apply for positions in Education. I submitted a couple resumes, and then switched to customer service and information technology. I ended up applying for two positions through Manpower (years ago I worked contract through Manpower, and I had pretty good success). One position was as a Technical Recruiter, and from the job description, it would be a great fit for me (remote office). Will they consider me? I don't know, but at the least, I feel positive about that position. Now that I know that I can make salary and bonus -- commission and still be OK, I am more open to doing this kind of work. Plus, I am considering this as short term, practical experience. I need a position that will change my outlook and focus, and update my resume (get me out of IT). I like that I can do both, HR and IT, and I think it might be Ok for me. Perhaps yes, perhaps no...right now, I really don't care.

I also applied for a couple clerical positions, posted at $15-16 per hour. Again, I don't really mind. I am willing to work 40 hours a week, and at this rate, I would earn about $650 per week. This would work fine for me, and help me make the changes I need to my home as well as prepare me for moving once I get my MA finished. It would also help me transition into whatever career the Lord has in mind for me once I get settled.

I guess what I am doing now is simply choosing to accept where I am right now, and I am choosing to trust the Lord for all the rest. I need a JOB, and the Lord can provide one to me. My attitude has been wrong, and I have looked only to the money. I know that I need the money, but it matters more to me that I am doing the Lord's work. My mind is set and focused now, and I am seeking a temporary position whereby I can make more than I make at Macy's, and not have to stand all day long. I think this is doable, and I am open to whatever job comes my way. The Lord has consistently told me to take the JOB that is offered to me, but there have been no offers yet (several good tries). Perhaps now I will get an offer, and when I do, I will take it. I am trusting Him and stepping out in faith, believing that the Lord will bring me a JOB today.

Forward

2011-06-02T08:29:00.004-07:00

I was up early today to check the status of the ants. They are still in the house, but are now just concerned with the ant traps I set down. I hate that they are swarming, but the whole purpose of ant bait is to get them to take the poison back to their nest and for it to kill the entire colony. It seems to be working, even though I cannot stand the fact that there are hundreds of little critters in my bathroom and laundry room! UGH!

I have today off (and tomorrow -- whoo hoo!) and right now, my plan is to do some work on my home. The ant invasion reminded me that I need to recaulk and repair some openings in my walls (at the baseboard) and that when I did this ten years ago, it virtually stopped the buggers from getting in. It has been that long (or longer) and the caulk is cracked and dry. No wonder they found their way in this year -- it was like an open door to them. I also want to get some paint, and begin painting my home. I will start in the bathroom, once I finish repairing the crack in the wall, and then letting that dry. This will not only make the bathroom look better, but it will simply help with my overall feeling of despair in regard to my home's actual condition.

My home has needed repair for many years, but it was never an important priority. In fact, it wasn't even on the list. The house, like our cars, were left to fall into poor condition due to neglect. It is unfortunate because I don't like to live this way, yet I allowed it to happen. I allowed it due to financial strain and an utterly sense of hopelessness. If you feel that your life and situation are hopeless, you tend not to worry about such things. You justify this as "why should I? It won't matter anyway, so why should I worry when I cannot change any thing at all?" This is how I have lived for nearly 30 years. I learned early on that wanting something, and getting it were two different things. I wanted a lot back when I first got married. I wanted a home, a place where I could be happy and share my life with another person. I wanted children, and a good life. I was not all that interested in houses or cars or money. I wanted a home, a warm place where I could feel safe and secure.

I ended up without a home, though I always lived in houses or apartments. I was never able to make my home feel warm and comfortable, nor did I feel safe and secure. I always lived in fear, fear of being evicted, fear of being forced out, and generally a fear of being found out as a person who didn't pay her bills or keep herself well. I put up a good front, I slapped on a good paint job, but inside, my condition was deteriorating.

I think in part this was due to several factors. The biggest factor was that I had turned away from my inner calling to fulfill a certain plan the Lord had for me. The second factor was that I chose a path of life that was not under God's blessing. It was outside His blessing for me, and I went ahead with it -- against His will. The third reason was that I chose to live in denial about the first two things, and that denial simply ate away at me. Instead of being healed and feeling free (freedom from bondage through Christ), I submitted my will to another who attempted to control me and change me into someone I was not meant to be.

I have lived for so long as a person who wears a mask, not to hide from the world, but to pretend to be something or someone I am not. I hid out of fear and shame, shame for making such a huge mistake, and shame for hurting my family, my friends, and my faith community. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I was stuck, royally stuck in my own choice.

I made the best of things, of course, and I gave it my all (everything). In the end, I survived bloodied and wounded, and unable to stand up. I am miserable now, and I am virtually used up. I don't want to go on this way, and I don't want to keep on pretending to be that person, that person that everyone knows and THINKS is happy and content. In truth, I have learned to be happy and content, but only in the Lord. I am satisfied, and I am at peace with Him -- but in my outer life, my person, I am disatisfied and discontented.

I want my life to change, I want to live it differently. I don't want to be this way anymore. I have asked the Lord for His Grace to accept my life as is, to work with it, to make due, and He has given that Grace to me. I am here today because of His Marvelous Grace. Yet, I want everything to be set right. I want my life to be as it was meant to be, for me to be living the life He called me to live. I don't want to wait anymore, because I feel like I have been waiting forever, for a lifetime already.

I know I must wait, and I know why now. I know that this is of my hand, and of my doing, and of my choosing, and like before, it turned sour on me. It wasn't a good choice, a good option, or the right thing to do. It sure felt right at the time, and it sure seemed OK, but now all I can see and all I can feel is that it is wrong, wrong, wrong.

How do I get myself out of this place? Can I dig myself out of this hole in the ground? No, I cannot. I am helpless, and I feel like I did all those years ago when I realized that all my efforts were worthless. I am stuck, and there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot help myself anymore, and even with a nice paint job, a good looking mask, the unhappiness cannot be covered up. I am unhappy, and I am sad and I am depressed. I know that I have to trust in the Lord, and I know that I have to wait for His Promised Deliverance, yet I find no joy in that thought, no feeling of pleasure. I want my Father to fix this for me, to make it better, and I am crying on the inside right now.

Throughout all the trials of the past couple years, I have never felt this way before. Yes, I felt angry, and yes, I even lost my temper many times. I yelled, I screamed, and I cried so many tears. I had to stand up and defend myself against critics who tried to tell me I was wrong, making things up or had lost my mind. I tried so hard to be calm, to just make it through the hard days, and hard nights. Now, I am done with all of that -- there are no more tears, just regrets for past mistakes that were made without consideration of the Lord. I want so much to go back to when I was a teen and start over, to do it all again. I want to choose God's way, and I want to experience the life He had for me.

The hard light is that I cannot do that. I cannot go back, and I cannot undo the past. I have accepted the past, and I have accepted the mistakes I made. The rub is that now, after all these years and so many long hard months, I am feeling the deep sorrow of regret. I remember saying that I wouldn't regret my choices, that I would live with them, for good or bad. I said that, really I did. Well, I can tell you that I have lived with my choices, and I did my very best with them. I failed miserably, and I never achieved anything but a false sense of well-being. I have been sick for nearly 30 years, with all sorts of maladies, and my body is bent over unable to stand straight now. I live each day in pain, suffering with Fibromyalgia and other arthristis pain. Working retail has not helped, but only has intensified the pain. I am in so much pain, and my body is worn down. I want to quit now, quit everything and run away. I want to go some place where I can rest, a really long rest, but there is no rest in sight.

Today when I logged into my courses at Mercy, I really thought "what a mistake I have made. I need this summer off -- no school work, no nothing." Yet, I am committed to these courses and this plan will enable my graduation in 2012. I cannot give up now, even though I really want to give in and rest.

The Lord knows my sorrows, the Word tells us this is so:

Isaiah 53 NIV

1Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?

2He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

8By oppressiona and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.b

9He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the Lord makesc his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.

11After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light [of life] and be satisfiede;
by his knowledgef my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

12Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,h
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.

13For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

I have grieved my Lord, and I have suffered the consequences of that behavior. I know that sometimes the Lord removes the offense from us, he clears our conscience and doesn't allow us to suffer the consequence of our action or choice. Sometimes, though, the Lord chooses to allow the consequence to stand, to confront us, to face it day in and day out, as a solid reminder of our willfulness and stubborn refusal to do His Will. This is the mark of my life, this is what I have had to endure. It was not anyone else's fault at all, it was all mine. I chose this path, and I chose to remain on this path, even after several opportunities to exit out of it. The Lord offered a way out to me, and I refused. I didn't want to suffer the shame of admitting my mistake, so I pressed on. Later, I didn't want to hurt the one I loved so much (my child), so I remained. And, finally, I didn't want to take on the pressure of leaving my family behind, and have to listen to their cries of help -- so I endured. Three times the Lord has offered an "out" to me, and three times I have chosen to press on, to remain, and to endure. Now, I am at such a point where I want that "out," but there are no outs remaining. There is only one way out for me now, and that is to endure until the end. I cannot do anything or change anything, so I must continue on until such a time as when the Lord chooses to release me and allow me to walk through a different door.

I am praying that this door will be open to me very soon, and that I can be released and I can breathe freely again. I don't remember what that freedom felt like, but I long so for it. I want so much to do His will now, and to be firmly grounded in the plans He has for me. I am tired and I am weary, and I want to go home.

Dear Lord,

I ask for the strength today to endure and to wait for your open door. I ask to be released from this path, this life, and this choice, and to embrace the path and way that you laid out for me. I ask now that you will do whatever is necessary in my life to make your will come to pass, and that you will lift me out of this dark and lonely place, and bring me back into the sunshine and the brillant light of your Glory. In Jesus' the Christ's Name, I ask this now, Amen.

Rethinking Past Choices

2011-06-01T14:48:00.001-07:00

I am waging a war against ants again this summer. Every single year that we have lived in our present home in Phoenix, we spend about 1-2 weeks working to keep the pesky pests out of our home. They always show up around late May to early June, and seem to be determined to get into our home any way possible. I attack with sprays and bleach, and I caulk all little holes, anywhere I find them coming in. This time around, they seem extra determined, and I even found them up in my upper kitchen cupboards this morning. Normally, they stick to the floor and only trail through my kitchen and bathrooms.

I am bleached out right about now, and I am feeling rather low. I got an email back from United Healthcare yesterday with the confirmation that I am not being considered for a job I applied for about five weeks ago. It was a long shot, but I felt that I had good qualifications for it. I realize that they were hiring one person and were looking in five different cities. Can you imagine how many people applied for that one position? I cannot, but I am sure it was a lot.

I was really bummed about it, and even considered whether I was going to find any work at all. I know I have tried, and I have applied on faith so many times. I am frustrated with the lack of success, but deep in my heart, I know the reason why I cannot find a job.

About a year ago, the Lord told me to go some place for work. I said yes, and then I didn't go. In fact, I put my foot down and really pressed the Lord as to why I had to choose to go where He was sending me. I wanted to go, really I did, but I didn't want to leave my family behind. I didn't believe that He was telling me the truth when He told me that there would be NO work here in AZ. I thought, "sure, I get it -- no work, but really Lord, you will have to provide for me somehow, so I am OK with your provision." The problem was that the Lord always tells the truth. If He says there will be NO work, then that means NO work.

I recall the very day He asked me to make a choice, whether to go where He was sending me or stay in Phoenix. I was torn, and I had agonized over the decision. The idea of going appealed to me, but the practical nature of staying suited me best. I wanted to stay, just to make things easier on myself and on my son. The Lord was clear with me, and specifically told me that it would be easier initially to remain in Phoenix, but in the long run, the suffering would be more. I thought "sure, I understand -- you will protect me, and I can handle it." Again, not taking Him seriously when He said it would be better in the long run for me to move when He was offering than to wait. I chose to wait, even after He asked me several times. He made sure I understood my choice, and that I was willing to put up with whatever happened as a result.

Well, the Lord was right (of course!) The past year has gone well for me. I have received my financial aid money which helped me make ends meet. I got hired at Macy's and while that work is hard for me physically, it pays me about $600 per month. My son graduated from our home school and is now at the CC on an Honors Scholarship. He is a straight-A student, and playing in our Worship Pastor's band (and getting to tour a bit). He has grown up so much, and I am pleased with the young man he has become. My parents are OK, but struggling financially now. They are open to moving with me, and have decided to walk away from their home when the time comes (they will break even). This is a huge change, but not an unpredicted change. The Lord assured me that in time my parents would come to where ever I was living, mostly to be near me, but also because they will need my assistance. I didn't want to leave them or go ahead of them, but now I see that it would have been just fine.

Moreover, my schooling is going well, my cello studies are plugging along, and I have made huge growth in my personal and spiritual life. Everything LOOKS UP for me -- except that there is NO job for me so I am stuck in my existing situation, remaining married to a man who doesn't want to be married to me, and having to live under the same roof with him. It is hard to explain without going into a lot of detail, but basically there is no return to our former life due to choices he has made, and continues to make. I need to live on my own for my own spiritual and physical welfare, and generally so that I can continue to follow after the Lord. The only reason we are still here is because neither of us can move out or away.

My heart breaks when I think about what is going on, his on-going pursuit of other women, etc. I want to live away from that, free from it, and with one purpose and pursuit in mind. Yet, the Lord has not provided a job here in Phoenix, so I am stuck in this place, living and dealing with the emotional aspects each day. The sorrow and grief is giangantic, and it weighs down on me. The Lord was right when He told me that it would be easier in the long run to move away, and that staying put would include more suffering after the initial well-being wears off.

Well, this is where I am now, and where I find myself today. I want to move away, I want a job, and I want to go, but I am in the wilderness of a past choice, a choice I made whole-heartedly and with a faithful intention. I knew the Lord was telling the truth, yet I believed that somehow He wouldn't do what He said, or that at the least, He wouldn't allow what He said would come to pass, to actually come to pass.

Now I am begging Him to be released, begging for an open door, and there is nothing for me to do but remain where I am until such a time as I can be released. It is a bitter pill to swallow, and it is the one time when saying "I am sorry" doesn't remove the burden from me. I am forgiven, I am saved, I am under His Banner of Love and Grace, but I am having to live in the hard place for a while. I cannot remove myself, and I cannot make it stop hurting. I have to endure, and I am tired and bone-weary. Yet, until He chooses to help me, I am here waiting on Him.

It seems heartless, and it seems unfair, but the Lord's word is not to be mocked or treated lightly. I have done this so many times, choosing to believe some other version of the WORD. You know, it is like those who say "If God is Love, then how can He doom people to spend an eternity in Hell?" Yes, it is one of those difficult things to understand -- God is Love, but His Righteousness engenders His wrath on those who forsake His free gift of Grace. The Word tells us over and over again that God will not change His mind, that He will not relent -- He says what He means, and He means what He says. We are sorry little things who believe God will change His mind just because we ask Him to do so. It is not always the case, and if He does relent, it is always borne out of His Marvelous Grace.

So Lord, here I am waiting on you. I understand what I have done, and why I am in the place I am in right now. The suffering is hard to take, and the sorrow is great. I know that I must endure, I will endure, and I will trust you through it all. You will always do what you say, and I can trust you to do it. I am sorry for not believing your Word to me, and for now having to suffer through this choice. It was a poor choice on my part, and while I accepted it, I didn't understand the ramifications of what would take place. Now, I want out, and now I want to follow you. I know that I am forgiven, and I know that you love me. Your Word is TRUTH (John 17:17b) - I believe your Word to me. Thank you for sustaining me and keeping me well through it all. In Jesus' Name I pray this today, knowing that I will wait until you deliver me. Amen.

Just When It Looks So Good

2011-05-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, it would figure that as soon as I made this grand proclamation about what I am to do for a living, something would happen that places a gigantic boulder in my path! UGH!

I came home from work yesterday to find that my computer had died. I have struggled with this system since I bought it back in 2007. I don't like HP computers, and it seems that every single one I have owned, has had major issues at some point. The only system that seems to work for me is Gateway. I am typing on my 11 year old Gateway system right now. It is slow, but it still works, and I can check email and get around the Internet.

I have wanted to upgrade to a new computer for a long while. And, I had asked the Lord for permission to do so, but that purchase had to wait. I didn't have the money to buy one, and without a permanent job, it wasn't feasible to add that expense. My son needed a laptop for school, and I made that purchase back in January. My computer has limped along, not wanting to start after it has been shut down for about 6-8 months. This past couple weeks, it almost died on me, and luckily it did reboot and return to life.

Yesterday, before I had left for work I asked my son to install some updated software (in preparation for my skills work -- see my blog post from the day before). I didn't even think that my computer would need to shut down (duh!), but it did, and well, there has been no life since. My son said he spent about an hour trying to turn it back on, and finally he gave up. I tried it several times as well, and had no luck either.

Today, I am sitting here waiting to head to church, and I am wondering how this could be possible. I mean, I am trusting the Lord for a job, and I believe that I am to do something from home (initially or as a telecommuter), and then I end up without a computer. Right now, I don't have any money for a computer. Plus, on Tuesday, my graduate courses begin again, and I will need to log in and be in class each day for the next 8-10 weeks. I am stuck, royally stuck, and I see no way out.

I prayed over this situation, and I am still not sure what the Lord seems to be doing in my life right now. I am willing, so willing to work, and just when I commit to doing whatever is necessary to do that work - I end up without access to a computer. I know that nothing is to come in the way of my graduate courses, yet, without more work, we are hopelessly in trouble. My DH is paying some of the bills this month, and says he can pay part of the mortgage. I will have the balance, but then I am very low on funds for food. I will be bringing in my normal $500-600 per month from Macy's, but I cannot pay any additional bills. Not now, anyway.

Lord, what are you doing, and why is this happening?

I believe in God, and I rely on Him for His provision. I know His plans are GOOD, and that the plans He has for me are GOOD. All I can think of is that this is His way of drawing attention to the fact that I can do nothing without His permission, and I will not work until He brings a job to me. I thought that perhaps the reason I haven't worked all along was due to my unwillingness to do the one job I have held for the past decade. I have come to terms with that job and with doing it now, but still there is no applicable work there for me. I am in the exact same position I was in yesterday, and the day before.

Macy's would like me to work full-time, and I did find out yesterday that I was given "Best Improved Employee" in the store (along with my Supervisor). I don't get anything but the recognition, and while it is nice, it doesn't help me to make more money. My raise is nice too, and while I am thankful for it, I still cannot see making enough to live on. I guess this is the Lord's way of saying to me that no matter the work I do, He will always be the one to provide. I will never be able to make enough money on my own -- it will always be His Hand, His Way, and His Gift to me.

So here I sit, typing on this old system, and thanking the Lord for it. At the least, it works, and I am thankful. Yes, I would like a new computer, and right now, I don't even care what kind it is -- Mac or WIN. I need something to do my classes on, and I need it now.

Dear Lord,

I humbly ask you for help regarding my computer system. You know my needs, and you know what I need to do. I ask now that you will help me see what is going on, and then accept your provision. I ask this now in Jesus' Name, Amen.

It is done!

2011-05-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am stubborn and downright willful at times. I wasn't always this way (well, yes I was -- I will explain), but as I have gotten older, I have become all the more unmoveable. Over the course of the past five years, the Lord has worked on my heart, my mind, and my soul to get me to recognized that while He can work with stubborn people, the only way He will work through us is if we are willing to let our guard down, and do the work (whatever He asks us to do). I tell the Lord, "Yes!" even when in my heart (and sometimes I am not even aware of it) I really mean "No." I often say yes without thinking it through, without considering the options or the cost -- then I find something I don't like, and immediately turn around and say "No" to Him. It shouldn't be this way, but I consistently do it.

Last night, the Lord and I had a good heart-to-heart talk. He has been working on this stubborn part of me for a long while, and I had to accept some truth that I really wasn't willing to accept. Now, we have a very good relationship, the Lord and me, so most of the time when He explains it to me, I confess it and the matter is settled. Sometimes, very rarely, I am unwilling to consider the matter, so He waits for me. He waits and waits and waits until I am ready to accept it. Then we move on. This is what happened today. I spent the better part of the night tossing and turning while dreaming strange dreams, and then finally coming to terms with my rebellious streak. God knows me well, and He knows that most of the time, I quickly accept His determination on a thing. However, there are times, last night for example, when I need time to percolate, to think the matter through, to really come to the end of it. I am glad I did, and I feel better, though still a little undone about the whole matter.

As I posted yesterday, I went to an interview with a technical recruiter. This was someone different, but from the same agency I met with in January. At that time, I had a good interview, but no real options for work. The recruiter suggested some more training for me, and then asked me to redo my resume to focus on my specific interest and skill. I did this with the help of my brother, and I ended up with the interview at Toolbox.com. This wasn't a good fit for me, and I was put off by the way in which they conducted the interview process. I floundered, stopped looking, and then just recently started the search up again.

This time the recruiter was very helpful to me, and if anything, she helped me see that I could make good money as a Web Developer. I have always billed myself as a Web Developer because I really am not a graphic artist. I am a Web Designer, but I know how to use SQL and other server-side applications as well as Unix/Linux. I can code some and I am able to do this kind of work. However, I got my nose out of joint when the man at Toolbox told me I was a sham and a scam artist for trying to say I was a developer. In his opinion, I was nothing (ok, he was chauvinistic and a mysogynist). Now, I am listening to this Recruiting Manager tell me that I am an Intermediate Wed Developer and that I could earn $85k per year. This is good news, and this is what I want to hear -- but I don't believe it is so (my problem, not hers).

The recruiting agency had no real work for me, but I left feeling more positive than I have felt in a long while. I considered my skills, and I considered learning how to upgrade them so I could do this kind of work. I am able, I am a technical user, and I understand SQL and PHP. I just don't code in it -- never have -- but now I am considering learning how to do it. It would benefit me, and enable me to earn more money, not to mention, it would also open up a lot of doors to me. So there you have it...I have been stubbornly refusing to do the work I am best suited to do, and all these many months of looking for work has demonstrated one thing: I am not willing to do the work the Lord has in mind for me.

I have worked as a website designer from home for the past twelve years. It is my most recent experience, and it is what I can do well. I need some skill-refreshers, just to polish up my resume, and such. But I should be able to earn this amount of money easily if I apply myself to learning some new things. I have been struggling to work at Macy's, and disappointed in the $8.38 per hour I make (not putting it down, but I cannot live solely on this amount of money). Now, I see that this has been to humble me, to get me to understand that I can work here or I can work in the job suited to me. There is no other option for work, I have tried them all. I wanted to teach (not yet, no MA); I wanted to do Instructional Design (I can, but it is hard to break through to education); I wanted to do training (computer and systems, but again, not enough experience). I am stuck doing one thing, and that is working on the computer and doing design and development.

I have recognized that the reason I am unwilling to do this work is that the memories of the past 12 years are painful to me. I was used, manipulated into doing work I felt was outside the scope of my experience, and I never saw a penny of my own earnings. I lived pitifully, I was poor, and I was worked nearly to exhaustion (60-70 hours was normal). I also hated collectors who called, and the fact that our bills went unpaid while I waited on clients to pay up. I never made enough money to make a big difference, yet I know that my income is what supported us for all those years. I did it, even when mismanaged and overwhelmed, I survived, and I made our life livable.

The recruiter thanked me for wearing a professional suit. She told me that I am a "people person," and that I exude "confidence." I am sure she thought, "I cannot understand why you are not employed, you are so confident of your abilities, so at ease with who you are." It is true, really it is true. I know who I am, and I know my purpose. I am confident in my skills. I know what I can do, and what needs to happen. I get afraid at times, and I sink down into depression often, but generally I am positive and upbeat about things.

I know that God allowed me to go into this recruiter's office for one reason and that was to show me that I am ready to work, that I possess all the skill necessary to do any job of the Lord's choosing. The Lord has chosen this path for me, and I understand it now. All the other jobs were possible, of course, but my skill is specific to this one area, and I have the necessary experience to promote myself this way.

I guess what I am saying is that perhaps the delay in getting full-time work was simply to allow me to recognize that I am a web designer and developer, and that I can do this work and get paid the going rate. I can manage my own business, and I can be successful. I don't need my husband to sell for me, and I don't need anyone but the Lord to manage my business. The Lord has managed my finances well, and He has made sure that I always have enough money to do everything that is needed. He will make sure I can succeed in this work, and if He chooses to bring a job with a company to me, so be it, thy will be done. If not, then I will work from home doing contract work until I am able to do something else.

My plan, therefore, is simple. I need to make a list of all the skill most Intermediate Web Developers need, and then pursue reading books and taking online training (tutorials). I can do this, I know I can. Besides, I happen to have a 17 year old who knows how to code in all the C languages and in PHP. He can help me get up to speed, and he will love being my teacher. He is good that way. If I spend a little bit of time working on learning some new skill as well as running through the tutorials for Adobe Photoshop CS5 and Dreamweaver, I really should be set to command a greater income than before. I need some hardware too, and the Lord has promised me a new computer this summer. I can use my existing system, but it is so slow, and has a power problem. I need a better computer, and some software, so if this is the Lord's well, then He will provide these things to me.

Lastly, this means that I am focused on getting a good job, whether at home or with another company, but now I know what I am doing. Now, I know how to market myself, and now I know how to line up my skills. The Lord has to do the rest, and it will be because He has determined it to be so. I am content, and I know that with His Grace, I can do all things through Christ Jesus -- I can do this work.

Thank you, Lord, for helping me to see what I need to do, and then how I am to go about doing it. I can do this work, and with your help, I can brush up my skills, polish up my resume, and find good practical work. I need to learn the skills of your choosing, and I am willing (Yes, Lord, I mean it). Help me now to learn how to write in SQL, how to code in PHP and ASP, and how to present myself as a better version of the "old me." I am trusting you for this provision, and I know that you can make this happen quickly. I ask this now in Jesus' Name, Amen. Not my will, Lord; but thy will be done. Amen, so be it. Selah!

I Am On My Way

2011-05-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

I am on my way, ready to embrace the job the Lord has for me. This morning, I had an interview with a recruiter from a technical firm. I had interviewed with them back in January, but at that time, it was only for contract work. I applied for a job yesterday, and a different recruiter called me to interview today. The meeting went well (no job of course), and I came away feeling more positive than I have in a long time.

My goal now is to get a good paying job, and I believe that the timing is right with the Lord. I have my schooling under control, and I am moving forward in the hope that the Lord will direct me to the job He wants for me. I am open, and I am willing to do whatever work He chooses for me.

As I think about this today, I know that God is working in my life right now, and that very soon there will be a job for me.

Dear Lord,

I have been waiting patiently for a job opportunity. I ask now that you provide a good job to me, and that you show me that job now. If I need more training, so be it, I am willing. Provide whatever training and preparation you think I need so that I can be highly favored, highly considered, and offered a good job. I ask this now in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Enjoying My Day

2011-05-26T10:37:00.002-07:00

It's Thursday, and I am at rest. I worked hard yesterday, first battling the ants that found their way into my kitchen, and then doing laundry and house cleaning. I am blessed - I love it when my house is clean and fresh, and everything is put away. So today is a day of rest for me. I am able to stay at home, lounge about, and consider my life as it comes. God has richly blessed me with all manner of blessing in Heaven and on the earth. He is my God, and I am His servant. There is nothing I want, nor need other than Him. To God be the Glory forever and ever, Amen.

As I consider my day, this thought comes to mind: "Lord, what plans do you have for me this day?" I don't have to work at Macy's until Saturday, so I am really loving the last little bit of my vacation. I am looking forward to working full-time (soon, I hope), so that I can have my weekends free again. I miss my Sunday church routine, and I miss having a set schedule. I am comfortable with my classes, and with how much time I have to study to keep my grades up, so I know I can work a regular 9-5 job and do school. Please Lord, soon?

God knows exactly what I need, and His plans for my life are good. They are set, and fixed, which simply means that I am onboard with His desires, and I am fully complying with His purposes for my life. I want what He wants for me, and I am willing (Yes Lord) to go and do whatever He determines needs done. God is Good that way, He always makes sure we are ready, and that we are willing to do the work. I know that in my case, I said I was willing, but when it came right down to it, I wasn't willing to trust Him enough to actually do the work. I liked the "idea" of the work, I liked the idea of "going" but in truth I really wasn't onboard for the actual "doing" part of it. This is now changed for me, and I am fully ready to engage in His work in my life. I know that I can trust Him, and that He is faithful to me. I am ready, I am willing, and I want to get going (Please Lord, soon?)

God is so very GOOD to me, and He loves me completely. I am blessed, and I feel His blessing as it flows down over me. I cannot imagine anything other than this sense of being completely secured within His Powerful and Purposeful plans. I know that whatever comes to pass is His will, and that His will is only for my Good. I am happy to know that I can rest now, no longer trying to seek the answer or figure things out. It is just as it is supposed to be, and God will do whatever He desires from this point on. It is a good feeling to rest in God's plans, and to know that from this time forward, there is nothing I have to do, nothing for me to try to handle or determine. It is all set, it is all fixed, and everything is working together for my Good.

I love you, Lord, and I lift my voice to worship you this day! Praise be to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Three in One, God Almighty, and Eternal - Forever and ever, Amen. Always Amen.

Letting Go of the Past

2011-05-25T08:43:00.002-07:00

I am back from Indiana, and I am refreshed and ready to get started -- started in the sense of moving forward, and making some necessary changes to my daily routine. I enjoyed visiting with my Aunts, and getting to see my cousins. It was lovely weather, wet, slightly humid, with mostly overcast skies (a nice change from hot and sunny in Phoenix). Everything was green, and the flowers were blooming. It was just as I remember Midwestern late May days.

I slept well, considering that we stayed in Berne, Indiana, where there are no street lights. The nights were cool and dark, and the mornings were beautifully filled with the sounds of birds. My Aunt has several bird feeders in her yard, right near her kitchen window, so we could sit at the table and enjoy breakfast while we counted the Cardinals that came to feed. Other birds too -- mostly ones that I don't see here (like Robins), were also prevalent. It was so peaceful, and serene. I also enjoyed the frogs - I love frogs, always have since I was a little girl, and two needed rescuing from my Aunt's pool. I saved them, safely planting them on the grassy edge (I think they were grateful since her pool was being filled, and they struggled to jump out).

We spent our days walking through the old cemeteries, recounting memories of loved one's passed, and seeing how well the folks there trim their plots (pretty good). We felt bad that so many of the stones were unreadable due to the harsh climate and the soft stone. Still, it was lovely to just sit and rest under the big Oaks, and marvel at the old church building, still standing. I cannot recall a nicer vacation, when I simply lived a quiet life, and enjoyed friends, family and fellowship.

We had no grand plans except to attend my Dad's 60th high school reunion (our reason for going), and it was funny, hokey, and very old fashioned (and downright just nice). Everyone we met, chatted with us, and everywhere we went people were so friendly. From the airport attendants to the restraurant waitresses -- everyone seemed to want to chat. I liked that a lot, and found myself opening up, sharing a bit of myself with strangers. It was nice, considering that here in Phoenix, it is only our winter visitors that do that -- most Phoenicians are pretty tight lipped, preferring to be about their business, and not be overly social.

My son had fun, laughed a lot, and enjoyed the climate. He has decided he doesn't want to live in Phoenix anymore (well, that is not new), but now I think his reason is more about choosing where to live versus just getting out of town. He wants to live in a four-season climate (as do I), and really liked Indiana. I think he prefers a little bigger town, though, and would like to be where there are services and ammenities. We visited little towns with 8-9 houses to major cities, so he got to see a large selection of locales. I think he will probably lean towards finding a college out of state now, and that is OK with me. I don't want him to live that far away, but I am willing to go where he goes, if the Lord wills.

Overall, my trip was a delight, and I got to spend some unforgettable moments with my parents and my older relatives. I will remember how we all laughed, and some of the old, old stories, especially those about my grandfather, who died when I was 17. I miss him, even though I didn't know him well. He was a character, and when he would visit, it was always so nice to talk with him (real slow - but he was a quick wit). I miss the old farm, which now belongs to someone else, and the old house, which burned down a couple years ago. The land though looks just like I remember it from my summers in Indiana when I was young. My Aunt's farm around the corner looks the same, and it was nice to be back there to see it again.

God has graciously provided this time for me to return to my childhood past, and to enjoy the blessings of my family (most of whom died in the Lord, and those living are strong professing believers). I like that, I like knowing that my family is with the Lord, and that the ones who remain are striving with Him now. It gives me that second connection of knowing that we are related by blood: by the familial blood, and by the blood of Jesus Christ. God has blessed my life, and my family, and I am giving Him praise today. He is so Good to me, and I love what He has done, what He is doing, and what He will be doing in my life. God is GREAT!

I titled this post, "letting go of the past," because it marks a point in my life where I think I have crossed over from the old life and into the new life. God told me that May 17th would be a day for New Beginnings. I thought He meant a job offer -- isn't that always the case -- we look to the practical, when God is looking to the eternal. I was disappointed that there were no real changes in my life, no emails offering me an interview, no windfalls, no real changes -- just the same old things. It wasn't until I arrived home that I realized what He meant when He asked me if I was ready for this "new beginning." I answered, "Yes, Lord!" and then I waited. I waited some more, questioning Him, wondering when these new changes would take place. Nothing changed in my life, and even coming home on the plane last night, I thought to myself, "I am back in Phoenix, back to my old life."

Yet, I woke up this morning, and sitting here with my coffee and my cats, I am thinking that something has most certainly changed within me. I may not have a job offer, but I have the ability to let go of my past, my entire past now. I am ready to let it all go, and that is every part of it, and then yeild what I hold in my hand to the Lord Himself. In doing so, I am able to allow the Lord full reign in my life. He is able to move me, to change me, and to take me where He wants me to go, and I am willing, so willing to follow. I was willing before, but I think I needed this trip to help me see who I am, really who I was then, and who I am now. I am a child of my father (both literally -- my earthly father and my Heavenly Father). I am so much my Dad's girl, and I am content in that fact. My memories and my history share this common connection, and I am no longer running from it. I am embracing it, have embraced it, and now I can simply let it go. My history is with me, because it is a part of me, it is who I am; but now, God is writing my history, and who I become is not determined by my past, but rather by His Will for my life.

I am honored to know that God's plans for my life are coming to pass, and that in a short time, I will see big accomplishments on my part. God is working behind the scenes to change things, to alter courses, and to straightening me out, so that I can walk in a way that brings Glory to His Name. I am being conformed, and in this way, I am living the life He has purposed for me to live.

As I let go of my past, my history, my roots, I am able now to lay hold of the new destiny that God has prepared for me, a destiny founded before time began, and reserved only for me. It is mine to grasp, and it is freely given to me. I must reach out and take hold of it, and in doing so, I am able to experience all of God's blessings and His Mighty Provision in my life. I am no more trying to figure out how to do this or that thing, but instead, I am waiting for God to move and make that very thing available to me. Sometimes I must wait, and sometimes the thing comes now; but always the thing will be because God has planned it as such.

I am in awe of Him and I sit here today and give thanks to Him for opening my eyes and helping me see that the past days, the past months and years, have worked together to help me let go of who I was, and to embrace fully the person He has made me to be. I have no regrets for to do so would be suggesting that the path I have been on was a mistake, and that the lessons learned had no value. I chose this way to walk, and I suffered through trials associated with this path -- this was my doing, my choice, and I have lived the life that this path promised. There has been much good on this path, and for the sorrow that was there too, it has all worked out to bring me in closer fellowship with my Lord. Therefore, I am content to know that I am Good, that God is GOOD, and that the Good He has in mind for me is coming to pass today.

May God be Praised today and forever more. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!

Happy, but struggling with leg pain

2011-05-17T09:46:00.000-07:00

I had another difficult night's sleep. I have been getting nerve pain in my left femur for about three-four days now. It comes on suddenly, and feels like an electric shock wave from my groin to my knee. I thought it was Sciatica, but now I am convinced it is a stress fracture instead. I have had Sciatica for a number of years, and it usually does come on after falling or twisting my lower back/hips. The pain is intense and has that dull throbbing crush that never goes away. This pain is different, and this pain doesn't run down the side or back of my leg. It is more intense, and it comes and goes, whereas Sciatica flares up and stays with you until you rest. This pain cripples you for about ten minutes, then it goes away. I can be sitting, standing, laying down -- it doesn't matter, it just shoots in there, and then the muscle tightens and cramps up.

The reason I believe this is a stress fracture is because of the way I fell on my knee. I landed vertically, like as if I was jumping up, and hit the soft tissue area below the knee. Stress fractures of the leg most commonly occur with this type of activity, jumping, running, etc. The symptoms usually come on two-ten weeks after the injury, and they typically get worse with normal use. It has been two weeks (three on Friday), and I am feeling worse each day.

The good news is that I am doing what is recommended, rest and Ibuprophen. There is little they can do for this type of fracture, except cast it, and then only if the fracture is severe. Usually for femural fractures, they don't do anything. I would need a Nuclear Bone Scan to determine if I have one, as normal xrays won't reveal anything. I don't have insurance anymore, so I am going to try and take care of this on my own. I have two weeks off from Macy's, and then if I get another job, the opportunity to sit at work. Standing, lifting, and doing retail has not helped, and truthfully, between this pain and my regular hip pain (other side), I am pretty much done in at Macy's. I cannot imagine working there much longer.

Lord, please bring me a job offer? Lord, I am willing to work anywhere I can sit and do a good job. I am willing to drive, if need be, and to do whatever work you choose for me. I know that the only way this stress fracture will heal is to rest, and that it could take 12 or more weeks to months for it to truly heal. I need the time to heal, and I cannot do anything to further injure either area. Please help me today, please bring me some confirmation of a job. I ask this now, Lord, because only You can do this for me, and I am in such terrible need. In Jesus' Name, I ask this...Amen.

Getting Ready to Go

2011-05-16T10:01:00.002-07:00

It's a happy Monday, and I am planning out my trip to Indiana. We leave on Wednesday morning, and I am struggling to figure out what to take with me. The weather is stormy, or will be, and the daily highs range from 60-80. I am planning on jeans and tees, along with a sweatshirt. I have a nice set of clothes for the reunion and Church, but for the days I thought I would just wear casual "winter" clothes. It has been 100 or close to here each day, and I am wearing capris and bermuda shorts, but I don't think I will take any with me. I get cold easily, so jeans will probably work best for me.

On the job front, I am waiting to hear back on potential interviews. I have applied for five good jobs, any of which, I would be happy to take. I am hopeful that I can interview, and I am trusting the Lord to work out whichever job He chooses for me. It would be very nice to have a job interview to come home to, so I am praying that someone will call me to schedule a time to meet for the week after we return. I would like to give my notice to Macy's so I can finish out by June 15th. We will see...the Lord has this timing at hand.

As I look forward to the future, there is still a big hole in the middle of it. I have my schooling under control now, and I feel good about pursuing Regent University. I know that if that is God's will, it will come to pass. If not, then He will lead me to another school of His choosing. Until then, I concentrate on what I am doing, praying for His continued blessing and His providential care (trusting for financial aid, etc.) God is so Good to me to provide a way for me to go to school, and I know His plans will come to pass.

The hole for me is a job, practical good work for me to do so I can live comfortably throughout the rest of my life. I have no one to provide for me, so I need to take that responsibility on myself. I did it, I have done it before, but I shirked back, and hoped that I could remain a SAHM. I cannot not, I know that now. I have to work, and I can either work at Macy's (and suffer miserably for the work is not a good fit for me physically) or I can work in a job that pays well, and requires less physical effort. I need the latter, and I need it now. I am disgusted with myself, to think that I took a year and half to come round to accepting this truth. I had accepted it, God was going forth in my life, opening up doors, and then WHAM! I shut down and would not go. I would not accept His precious gift of work. I looked at it and whined, "No, Lord -- I want to stay at home, to work from home, to be what I always have been -- a Mom!" I knew that I would always be a Mom, but I wanted that freedom to be at home, to do my own thing, to go where I wanted to go. I wasn't willing to go where He wanted me to go.

In all this "going" I assumed that meant physically going someplace, like in moving to another state. Although God gave me options of going elsewhere, He also expected me to go where ever He opened a door. That meant going down the street or across town for good work. I complained at the distance, the time required for travel. I complained about gas prices, and I complained about the hours. I wanted what I wanted, and not what He wanted -- even though He kept telling me, "Carol, you need a job."

Oh Lord, how foolish and arrogant I have been -- I have not taken the jobs you showed to me, for a myriad of reasons, and here I sit, begging you, waiting on you, asking and pleading again, for you to open up one job for me to do. I am ready now to go, ready to drive 20-30 or more minutes just to work. I am ready to sit in front of the computer and do any kind of work. I am ready to trust my days and weeks to you, the schedule of how everything will be done, to your hand. I ask that you do this for me, open that door, and let us go through it. I pray now that you will show me what to do, and give me the Grace to accept whatever job is offered to me. I need a job today, and I want to work today. I ask this now in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Thinking Through the Job Market and My Willingness to Work Full-time

2011-05-15T09:19:00.003-07:00

After yesterday's grade in Colonial American Literature, I was really bummed. I had to work at Macy's, so I went with a not-so-great attitude. I did my best, and after about an hour, found out I was getting reviewed. Great! (really, UGH!) My review went well, I "met" expectations, which is a crummy way of saying that all your hardwork was noticed and you are doing a fair job. You are average. Yes, had I consistently opened credit accounts, and upped my IPT (items per transaction), then I would have "exceeded" expectations, and been considered more favorably. I got a raise, up to $8.38 per hour (not putting it down, but it is still very low). It is what retail pays, so be it. I am happy that at the least my manager likes me, and sees in me the possibility of doing better (exceeding next time).

I don't think there will be a next time for me. I am home from church today because at 11:30, I have a recital at my son's piano teacher's home. Normally, we would go to the early service, but after working all day at Macy's, I can barely walk. I will have to sit for an hour, and play cello, and I would rather rest now, before I have to perform. I hate that I miss so much church, but until I can leave Macy's and find a regular M-F job, it is what it is.

I have applied now to five new jobs. These are all as Instructional Designers, which is really a Web Design position within academic circles. I am not working on the actual school web site, but I would be creating teaching materials for presentation on the web. It requires similar skill, less programming experience, and more creativity in design and visual output. Plus the work is more along the lines of supporting the faculty with teaching their courses, and I like that idea. I like to be helpful, and to use my skill whenever I can do it. The question is whether these jobs will look at me without a degree in Instructional Design.

I already considered following that route, getting a MET degree so that I could have that on my resume. But that option required two years of courses, and there was no financial aid for me to do it. I set it aside, and decided to apply for entry level positions, saying that I was looking to transition from Web Design to Instructional Design. It makes sense really, but someone has to be willing to look at me with that intention. I am hopeful that one of these jobs will actually consider me as a good candidate.

My issue it seems (to the Lord at the least) has been my unwillingness to work full-time and go to school part-time. I know that I have said I was willing to do it, but my attitude was not aligned 100%. I was willing, but not willing. I didn't want work to impact my life, to change things too much. Yet, I knew in my heart and in my head that I had to work. I have waited so long, and now I am in a tight financial situation. I need a JOB very badly, and my attitude is still not 100% on board with it.

I asked the Lord why I was not being considered, why I was not getting offers, and His Word came back to me -- I wasn't willing to do the work. Yes, I confess that this was true. I liked the idea of making the money, but not doing the work. You cannot have one without the other, so I just considered it as a money-thing, not a real life Job thing. The Lord had told me previously that He wouldn't provide me a job if I wasn't willing to do the work. I had to promise Him that I would do the work. I said, "Of course, Lord, I promise you," but in my heart, there was something He knew about me -- something, I didn't even accept. I was not willing, and therefore, the Lord didn't open those doors.

I have tried to wrestle with this truth, and it stings me. I really believed I was willing to work. I have been so patient, so hopeful, so depressed at times. I have been willing, Lord! His Word tells me otherwise because there has been no job for nearly two years, and I am still sitting here applying, but not going to work anywhere but at Macy's.

I thought perhaps this meant I wasn't to work at all -- just part-time until I finished Mercy. I was Ok with this, but then materials needs shot up, and I was confronted with the reality of the situation. I cannot be this way any longer, I have to stand up and take responsibility (that which the Lord gives me), and I have to do the work. I have to take the job that is offered, and do the work.

So here I sit waiting on a job, hoping that this time the offer will come. Perhaps it will, perhaps this time, my heart and head and willingness are all aligned. I pray it is so, I pray it is so.

Dear Lord,

I knew back in 2010 that I was going to have to take responsibility for my life. Under your leadership and with your provision, I would have to work to provide for myself and my son. I trusted you to provide a good job to me, I am still trusting you to provide one, but no job has come to me. I have interviewed, but no offers. I understand now that in my defiance, I wanted to remain at home, to stay at home, to work from home, to remain a SAHM. I didn't want a career job, I wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn't want anything other than what I had -- I wanted to go to work to help support the family, to go to school to honor you and complete your work, and to support my parents and my son -- to be what I was before my life changed. I understand now that the old life is gone, it is buried, and it cannot be ressurected. I have to walk in the new life, and the new life requires that I take firmly hold of it. I am no longer a SAHM, but I am a career woman who must work to support her family. I rely on you to provide a career job for me, one that will work with my new life and not conflict with the plans you have for me. I surrender now my desire to remain at home, and I embrace your desire for me to be responsible and in control (under your Headship). I ask now that you would direct my steps, show me where to go to find a good job, and then give me your Grace to accept the responsibility of doing the work. I know that with your help, I can do this. I pray this in Jesus' Name, Amen. Thy will be done -- Selah!

Feeling Strong

2011-05-13T10:23:00.001-07:00

Today is my last day off before I return to work tomorrow. I have Sunday through the following week off to Indiana. I am finally feeling rested, though I think I need a good six weeks of no work/no school to do that for me. Oh well, that isn't going to happen, so I am satisfied with what I do have, and that is a good long week of vacation with family back home in Indiana.

I am anxious about my papers and my final grades, though I know I did well. I worry about grades beause I am a perfectionist who cannot deliver perfect papers! I have to turn them in before they are 100% and then I stress over the little errors they contain. I know it, I do it all the time, but at some point, you just have to let them go. I did that this semester, and truthfully, I was so proud of both of my papers. My Joyce paper is my best, but I am worried now about plagarism. My other Professor uses SafeAssign which checks your paper against a major database. I don't plagarize, but I do heavily quote when necessary, and apparently "quoting" is no longer acceptable. Everything must be paraphrased. I get it, but MLA still allows quotes so I try and keep it to 50% of my paper. Still, I had to quote on that paper because of the subtext, and I am hoping that my Professor doesn't ding me on my usage and style. AGH! The trials of graduate level English courses.

I am set to take two classes this summer. I had decided to wait and take only one, thus prolonging my studies out another year, but really I don't want to do that unless absolutely necessary. I want to finish Mercy in 2012, and begin the next phase of schooling that fall. I have 5-7 years ahead of me, and I need all the time I can get to finish up the course work and major dissertation. I am not worried so much about the work, I am more worried about finishing my MA on time. Oh well...I can only do what the Lord allows, and for now, I am sticking to the 2-2-2-2-2 or five semesters of two courses each approach.

I am leaning now towards Regent University, AGAIN! I love the fact that this program is directly related to ministry. I would like to be about His business as soon as possible and I want to start taking these courses now. I have to finish Mercy, of course, but I am so ready to start taking Bible classes, to begin courses that will directly prepare me for ministry. I have to wait for the Lord's provision, but I definitely feel called to attend here. I cannot explain it because it is just a feeling that says "this is where I want you." I want to go there so badly now, whereas before, I was considering it along with the other schools, preferring none. Now, though, this is something I feel inside of me, growing and calling me, so I have to consider it more carefully. I believe this is the Lord's will for my life, and I need to rest in His calling, knowing that His calling always includes everything needed for the task at hand and the life to be lived.

As I get ready for my day, I am thanking the Lord for His provision of life to me. I am blessed beyond measure, and I am grateful that He has chosen me for this work. I know He will equip me and He will provide everything that is necessary for my life and for His work. I am resting in His care today, trusting for His provision, and believing that He is God. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah - pause and calmly think of that!

Update: May 15, 2011

I got my first paper back -- a B+! I was so disappointed. My Professor said it wasn't research (true - it was an essay), and that I wandered around a bit. The topic I picked was really difficult to find enough research on, so I had to use what I could. I was upset at first, but now I am OK with it. Each Professor will grade differently, and it is important to experience different views on what is and what is not a good paper. It will help me be better, so I am OK with it now (pride was wounded there because the last B paper I got was as an undergraduate - I always get As). My Bibliography was missing a heading (my fault), so I got an A- on that one. Over all, I am hoping that I get an A- in the class. I have an A in discussion, and the course is weighted in thirds. That should prove an A- for an overall grade. It will keep my GPA at 3.83, which is OK. I don't want it to dip below 3.8, but I think I have to stay above 3.5 for Honors. Oh well, I had to surrender my perfectionist attitude and pride to the Lord yesterday, and I can see this as a regular habit of mine -- laying it down, trusting Him, and letting it go. God is Good, and I am satisfied with my work. I did my very best, and think I wrote a very good paper. I think that says something, really, if you think about it. I mean, my Professor wanted something else, but I wasn't ashamed of my work. It wasn't as if I knew it was missing his mark -- I thought it was solid, and very well done. He may have very high standards (he does), and he may not give out As easily. Therefore, for not hitting his target, a B+ was a good effort. I have this same Professor next Fall, and I will do better, now that I know what he expects. It is all part of the learning process, and while I may not like it, this way teaches me how to improve versus just getting As all the time.

Seeing the Light

2011-05-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

I think I am seeing the light at the end of a very long tunnel. It has been an incredibly difficult semester for me, with two graduate courses, and working 20 hours at Macy's. I am so exhausted, and so relieved to have the semester over, and a full week off from work. I am not sure how this all came about, but I am off this week through the 24th (I asked for the latter dates for my vacation to Indiana). I am enjoying resting, and taking it easy this week, and I know that I will need the time to get us ready to leave on next Tuesday. Today is a good day, and I am trusting the Lord to provide a job to me.

Some new changes have come to light, and I am struggling to accept the reality of them. First off, my DH has agreed to purchase a vehicle he cannot afford. He has the car now, but has to prove insurance, and pay off some DMV fees before the car will be available to him. He doesn't have the money, and I don't have the money, so I am stuck with the thought that he will not have any car at all. He traded his car in to the Insurance company after he was hit three weeks ago. He picked up the check to cover the damages, and now is trying to get himself another car. I am fine with his choice, and it is a nice car. It is just that he cannot make the bills here at home, so how does he plan on making car payments. It is frustrating to me.

Then there is the issue with my situation right now. I am tired of being the one holding the purse, and I want more money so that I am not always worried about the electricity remaining on. I know that if I had a good job, everything would be OK. It is weird to think that all I need is work, and I would be able to live comfortably. I am not talking about major income either. I need $2K to cover everything, and if I could bring in more, well that would just add to my savings account. I am a college educated woman with over 20 years of practical work experience. You'd think I could find work? You'd think there would be A JOB out there for me. Instead, I am a full-time student, and a PT employee of Macy's. In a good marriage, with a husband who provided well, I would be set. Working part-time and going to school would be just fine. But in my case, with the ball landing on my side of the court all the time, I am the one responsible for everything. I am tired of carrying this load, and I need someone to share it with me. Yet, there is no one to do that, and it is getting heavier and heavier with every minute. I am tired, and I am weary, and I am all alone.

I know that God has called me to this path, to walk alone, and at times I love it. I love the life I am living, and I love the fact that I am doing so well. However, there are times when it is nice to have a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to help you through things. I have neither, and I am holding my life together with the tiny threads that I can see, and can knot. My son is doing well, and he is finding school a breeze. I am blessed that he will get another year of scholarship money because of his good grades. Yet, here we sit, in a home that is about to fall down on us, with no money coming in, and no way out.

I titled this post "seeing the light" and now when I think about it, things still look pretty dark for me. I want a way out, and I want to work. I want this to all go away, and to begin a new life. I want to wake up every day and know that I am doing good work, and that on Friday's I will be paid an honest wage. I want to know that if the dryer breaks, I can go to Lowes and get another one. I want to know that if I have to buy new tires, I can go and get them, and not worry about how to pay for them. I simply want the comfort of living a modest life, modest and middle class, and know that I am working towards a retirement whereby I won't be dependent on the state or my child for my living. I want to be free, and I want to be in control. God is in control of my life, and I trust Him to provide for me, but I need to feel that control, to see that everything is as it should be. I try to let things be, but I fret. I am so reliant on my vision -- to see things so I can understand them. Oh Lord, what can I do?

Trust me, the WORD comes back. Yes, Lord -- help me to trust you today. I know you are God and that as God this is nothing to you. You can change this around, you can make it better for me. You are able, more than able to handle anything that concerns me this day. I am relying on you, and I am resting in your provision. Please provide for me today? In Jesus' Name I ask, Amen. Selah! *PAUSE AND CALMLY THINK ABOUT THAT!*

Finally, The Answer!

2011-05-10T14:53:00.001-07:00

Today was incredibly stressfull for me. After a relaxing time at the hair salon, I came home to find that I came down with some sort of stomach virus. I have been running to the bathroom nearly every hour since, and I am totally worn out. I hate these kinds of food-borne illnesses. They really do a number on your intestinal system.

As I drove my son over to his piano teacher's house for an extra lesson today (to work with one of the violinists on her recital piece), I realized that this Sunday will be the last time my son will go to piano lessons. We started lessons in January of 2004, and he has taken them for the past seven years. He is a fine pianist but has decided that classical piano is not an interest. He likes playing Jazz and Rock now, so he decided to quit lessons. I am sure his teacher is really sad over the loss (a student loss, but even more so, because she was often his substitute Mom -- encouraging, chastening, etc. when necessary). I am sad that he is growing up so suddenly, and that he is almost done with his first semester in college. He had finals today, and has two more exams before he officially ends this first semester. So far, he has gotten all As, and I am certain he will get As in the rest of his courses. He is such a good student, and he does enjoy school.

I sit here struggling to figure everything out, and I wonder what God is up to in my life. My checking account is dipping periously low to empty, and I don't have any recourse open to me. I have my money from Macy's, and Lord willing, my stipend from my Uncle, but there will be no major influx in income until November (when my financial aid check arrives). I am scared, and I am worried because I have bills to pay -- my car registration and smog test is due this week, and I will have books to purchase for summer school. Plus I have tuition for summer (not covered under financial aid), and I have little money for food and gas.

I need a way out. I have applied for four Instructional Design positons, and I have no idea if they will come to pass or not. Perhaps I might get an interview, but at this stage of the game, I think not. I want to work, and I want to finish school. I want it all, but it seems like I cannot have it all right now.

Next week, we leave to go to Indiana, and I had hoped to have about $500 to take with me (not thinking of spending that money, but just having it to cover us). I won't have that much at all, and probably not even $100 to take along. I am bummed about the income, and I am bummed that I am heading into summer with absolutely no way or means to pay my mortgage and other bills. I have empty hands, and I don't see any way out.

My faith is in God, and I know He will provide, but I don't see any way in front of me. I had hoped to be able to find some work right away, or I had thought I might get hired at BSU as a graduate assistant online. Nothing has come to pass on that front, and I have nothing to look forward to doing right now. I did drop a course at Mercy, so now instead of graduating in 2012, I will not graduate until 2013. I am bummed, really bummed, and I need help.

Dear Lord,

Please help me to figure this out. Show me a way out today, and help me, guide me through an open door. I cannot do it alone, and I need your Help. Please, Lord, I ask now in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Seeing Things in a New Way

2011-05-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

I was so disappointed in the opportunity at BSU, and it took a while for me to find a positive out of that experience. Upon reflection, however, I have come to understand that I am already qualified to be an Instructional Designer, and while some schools may ask for a Masters in Educational Technology, many employers won't. I started looking at jobs on the Internet, and I have applied to three that ask for a BA only. I am hopeful that perhaps this was the Lord's intention and that He is guiding me into a this field of work.

I can see the opportunity now, whereas before, I only saw Website Design. I have been a designer for nearly 12 years, and after the last interview where my integrity was inpuned (I was told I was lying about being a designer), I stopped looking at jobs completely. Now, with this new focus, I can see how it is possible for me to be hired in higher education or corporate education as an Instructional Designer. I think this is a good path for me to follow, and I am hopeful (again) that the Lord is maneuvering me into this field for practical work.

When The Road Looks Blocked

2011-05-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I have my answer back from BSU. It is funny really, I mean, about two weeks ago when I found out that they don't accept graduate assistants in the first year, I thought for sure I knew that I would need to let that opportunity go by. I was disappointed, but I made my peace with it, and let it go. I embraced staying put, focusing on my studies at Mercy and then Old Dominion, and decided that I would trust the Lord and follow Him in these plans.

Then I got an email from the advisor asking me if I had changed my mind, if I was still going to go to BSU. I thought, "this must be my sign" and I went ahead and changed my plans. I was waiting for final confirmation today, and then finally it came through to me. I am a bit disappointed, but at the same time, I am alittle put off. The website or the program makes it sound like they offer financial waivers on their courses, but when I logged in to register, all the courses say that they are not eligble for waivers. This seems to be dishonest. I should have read the fine print, of course, but I didn't it. I believed what the advisor was saying.

So now I know that BSU offers no tuition assistance at all, and that if I want to go there, I will have to pay for it myself. I cannot do this, so I am taking this as my final confirmation to stay on the existing path and not go anywhere else. I will continue my studies at Mercy, and wait for the next clear step. I will not fear the turning tide of events in my personal life, nor worry over how I will live this summer. I will trust the Lord completely, and know that He is able to provide for me.

I have tuition due at Mercy, and now I am wondering whether I need to put that off as well. I don't mind waiting another semester, it will be Ok really, but then that puts my PhD off another year too. Oh well, that is too much worry for today, so for now, I will thank the Lord for this plan, and trust Him to clear the debris away and make my path smooth.

Confused and Feeling Vunerable

2011-05-06T11:54:00.001-07:00

Just when I was feeling so good and so strong, a curve ball gets lobbed right into my face, nearly knocking me off my feet. I am confused, and feeling vunerable today, and I need the Lord's provision NOW. Let me explain...as of this morning, I was doing well, thinking that the Lord's plans for my life were clicking by, with everything just as it was meant to be. I felt good, thinking that there would be confirmation on Boise State, a tuition waiver, and then a promised job as an assistant in the department (with PT pay at $5 more per hour than my current Macy's position). Then WHAM! I am tossed over, and I am now thinking, "what in the world is going on, Lord? How did all this happen!"

I think it was about a two months ago when the Lord and I talked about things, sorting out some upcoming details, and getting things straightened out so that I would know what to expect. At that time, I was considering my son's need for a car, and my need for a second vehicle. My DH had the use of our old Thunderbird, and it was pretty much dead (being driven into the ground and being really old and beat up). At that time, the Lord said that I would need to help my DH buy another car, and that I would need to finance it for him. I thought back then that God would be providing a good job, and that I would be able to do this easily. Then no job, no prospect, and the turn to Boise State, and not thinking about jobs anymore (at the least until I finished up my Mercy schooling).

With the thought of having good credit, a good job, and the ability to secure financing, I thought it would be OK to do this, and with the Lord's desire for it to be, I was willing to do it. Of course, over time, everything changed, and I put that thought out of my head.

About three weeks ago, my DH was in a car accident. Some lady backed into the side of his car, ripping a gigantic hole in the door. Her insurance totaled the car, and will reimburse him the cost of the value, or about $2400. He was happy because this meant he could get another car. I was OK with it, hoping he would find something and trusting that it wouldn't affect me at all.

Well, I come to find out today, that my name is on the title of that car. I had thought this wasn't the case, but lo and behold my name is on the car. Furthermore, my DH has found someone to sell him a car (old and beat up) with super high finance charges. He has agreed to buy this car, and pay $200 per month on it for one year. Ok, that would be fine IF he had that money to pay for it himself, but he doesn't. Furthermore, half that car money is mine, and while I am agreeable to letting him have it to buy a car, part of me doesn't want to get saddled with another beater. Then there is the underlying issue that says that somehow I will find myself in the position of having to pay the car off -- because he won't have the money. And, there is the issue with the fact that to get that money, I have to go with him to total the car out, and then deposit it into my account to wait for it to clear.

So this is what freaks me out right now. I am in a good place, struggling financially, only in the sense that I am making a small amount of money, and in that I don't have any hope for a full-time job yet. My DH seems oblivious to the fact that he is going to have to make the mortgage payment next month, and with only one client (who pays him $500) that just aint gonna happen. I am looking at a whopping $1100 of my contribution, and that leaves us $400 short to cover major expenses. How can he spend $200 per month on a car, when he cannot even support his family? Moreover, will he take $200 out of his $500 and leave us with less than what we need? Of course, this is his plan, always his plan. He robs Peter to pay Paul, and believes that the Universe will somehow pay for everything else. He promises to pay, but never delivers.

I made up my mind to leave him after our marriage hit rock bottom a year ago. I let all the animosity go, and decided that I didn't want to live this way anymore. Putting the fidelity issues aside, the truth is that I don't want to live in want, or waiting for the Sherriff to show up for unpaid bills. I wanted to live honorably, legally, as the Lord tells us to do so in His Word. I wanted to pay my bills on time, not promise what I couldn't keep, and live freely unto the Lord in everything.

So here I am waiting to find out how this will all work out. The Lord has promised a job to me, some work this summer that will cover our expenses. I don't know what this job will be, but I know that now I am desperate for it. I need $2k to live comfortably, and without any contribution from my DH, that means I need $900 (or $1500 if you swap a job with Macy's) each month. I don't have it, I don't know where it will come from, and I need it now.

Dear Lord,

I know that you are my Provider, and that this is nothing to you. You can bring me $1k or $2k more each month like that (with a snap!) I need your hand to bless me today, and I need a job now. I cannot wait any longer, and I am not willing to allow anything to keep me from your work -- so I am confused as to what you want me to do, and whether I am to work FT now or trust you to provide for me through another avenue. Oh Lord, help me today. Help me to understand how this will all work out, and what I will do or should do about it (or anything). I am trusting you, and I rest in your care. I love you and I know you love me. In Jesus' Name, I ask this now, Amen.